Sick?

I'm beginning to wonder if my depression is associated to my social habits.
I used to think it was because of my health because when I suddenly no longer have an appetite for anything and stop eating I get depressed but I think the root of the problem is that even the smallest things that happen to me affect my mental state.
For example, if I feel like I should have said hello to someone but I didn't then it bothers me all day long and ultimately I'm in a really guilty, sad mood for the longest time just because I didn't wave and smile at someone.
Or if in class, no one sits by me I feel isolated and alone for the rest of the day. If I say something awkward or stupid then I feel self-aware for the rest of the day and I think it's all this kind of stuff that is affecting my mental health and also my physical health.

This whole week, I have not been able to eat in the dorm's cafeteria. The moment I step foot in the cafeteria, any appetite I had disappears. Today, I didn't even go down there because I was so anxious about it.
And today, I have been having the worst thoughts I have had in a long time. And when this happens I suddenly have no fears and do things that I really wouldn't were I in my right mind.
Today I kept thinking,over and over again, that I want to try a cigarette. I'm 18 so it is completely legal, so why not, right? I love the smell of smoke; I always have. But if I start I may become addicted. But I keep telling myself that isn't a bad thing, even though I know it is.
I even thought, legitimately, about considering getting a tattoo. I thought, "THAT is a great topic of conversation. Great way to make friends."
Then I thought about trying hookah. It's also legal so why the hell not? It smells amazing when I walk past the hookah bars and I think I would really like it. But I know I SHOULDNT I just somehow have no fears when I'm in this state.

Things like this have been occupying my thoughts lately; I just want to do something fun and forget about all the things wrong that I have done. I'm embarrassed with myself most of the time and I hate not being confident. Today was one of the worst. No plans, no one to hang out with...my friend didn't seem to want to talk to me...and I just sat there and scrolled through facebook, looking at everyone else's wonderful Saturdays..............

I'm beginning to think there is literally something /WRONG/ with me.
Like, why is it that I am so ill?

This happens too often, where I get sick, don't have periods for months and months, get depressed, tired all the time, no appetite, guilt and embarrassment....why does this happen?
Is it something I am doing to myself?

I honestly don't know. But it bothers me and I don't see how anyone would want to befriend someone like me.

Well anyway,
time to watch kdramas. <3

Otherwise

Things have been great besides all of that ~*~emotional~*~ crap.

I went to a Chuseok festival type thing at a junior high school in Austin and it was a lot of fun. I enjoyed learning about traditional Korean games and things and I loved being around people who appreciate Korea as much as I do. It was interesting because everyone there was speaking Korean and I understood a lot of it which made me proud.

I also went to my first UT football game and saw a lot of different kinds of people. I ushered as volunteer/I-got-free-membership-for-a-club-if-I-did-it and it was really fun to see all the types of people that go to football games.

One man asked me why I was working; he thought I got in trouble skipping classes or something and that's why i was an usher and was surprised when I told him I volunteered as part of the Korean Undergraduate Students Association. He was like, "But you're not Korean" and thought maybe it was part of my degree. It's funny how many people are so shocked that someone can like a culture that is not their own. It's 2013 goddamnit why is that so surprising. If I were Chinese he wouldn't have told me that which is kind of a funny thing to think about.

Anyway so then there was this other old man who passed by me and said, "You're really cute!" and I was really fucking creeped out but I am assuming he was drunk.

There were some British guys all dressed in neon colors and they saw the view from the top of the stadium and said "Wow this is /really/ something" and it was kind of cool to see people so fascinated by something that is right at home for me. It made me feel like I was a part of something great. Then compared to other people who saw that their seats were all the way at the top and rolled their eyes and were frustrated by it and complaining. I think people sometimes let their appreciation for something dwindle because of their expectations and it's kind of sad. One guy even made a point of coming down and telling me how mad he was about his seats like there was something I could do about it right....

Anyway there were just a lot of really interesting different people and I got to know a couple of the people in my club as well which was really pretty cool.

I just hope they don't silently wish I wasn't there. I mean...some people don't like it when white people are so interested in their culture. I'll never understand why because then people also get mad when white people are racist or disregard other cultures buuut whatever. I just hope that these people don't feel burdened by me. I want to make friends with them but I feel like they won't like me. Or at least...I feel like they won't want me around.

So after when they were all talking about doing something I just left without saying bye which I realize may have been rude but I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me.

Anyway, so far this semester has been fun. I have Calculus homework due tonight and I really don't want to do it buuut oh well I better do it........