Wrong

Why do I always have to feel like what I'm doing is wrong?
Can't someone agree with me for once? Can't someone tell me "Hanna you're doing the right thing" or "Hanna I'm proud of your decision I agree with you."
Why do I have to feel guilty for doing things when my intentions are good? Why do I feel guilty for other people's sadness when it isn't my fault? Why can't I just be normal and be selfish and not care? Why when I try to explain why I've done what I've done and what I've sacrificed and why do I just get "No one asked you to do that"? Can't I get a little appreciation?
Why, when I am sitting in front of you crying my eyes out talking about what I've gone through do you sit there and argue with me about it and tell me it's my fault? When all I was trying to do was help? Why can't you tell me it's going to be okay and that you're sorry?
I just need confirmation that I'm doing something right. Because right now it feels like my whole entire life is a mistake. No one even tries to understand me. I'll never feel good enough for anyone or anything or even myself. I'll never feel accepted. No one gives a shit and it's starting to get to me.
My own parents ignore my sadness but God forbid if another child is hurting. I'm not even fully accepted my friends. They don't want to be around me. They'll invite someone else or make up excuses not to see me.

Even if everything I'm doing is wrong can't someone, anyone just tell me that it's okay? And that I'm not a terrible person? Do I not even deserve that? Am I that bad of a person?

I've prevented myself from crying, from becoming angry, from telling people how I feel, from showing my emotions, from telling people what I want, from all of that for so long; I've let people manipulate me and told people things they want to hear because I wasn't comfortable telling people what I think and now it seems like all that effort has gone to waste because it doesn't make a fucking difference.

And now I'm blasting my music to cover the sound of me crying so that I don't get attention from anyone.

And in two hours I'm going to go out with friends and act like I'm fine and smile and laugh and be a third wheel when all I really want is for someone to care. Ask me if I'm okay. Hug me, tell me things are going to be fine. That's all I want.

But it doesn't matter what I want, does it.

Nope.



I don't know how much longer I can be strong.