I've realized that no matter what you say or do, people are going to believe what they want.
Regardless of whether or not your words are true or have merit, people are going to use them against you.
They'll even go as far as to make up evidence, convince their friends and other people that they are right as justification for holding that belief (there's power in numbers i guess), or indirectly insult people just as excuses for being rude, stubborn, jealous, narrow-minded or for ignoring their own problems and focusing on other people.
But in life, that's not going to get you anywhere. If you waste your time focusing on what you don't like about other people, you are ignoring yourself, ignoring opportunity for your own improvement. It may be easier to put other people down in the moment but in the end it gets you nowhere. They're still going to do what they do and you can talk about it all you want but most likely that isn't going to change.
In my own life I have realized this later than I should, and now when I see it in others it hurts knowing that they may end up like me. I've experienced both ends of this, like most people do, and I think a lot of people stubbornly refuse to accept the fact that they are wrong.
Today I was thinking about how far I have come since high school and despite my many, many mistakes, I feel proud knowing I made my way through it all. Yet, still, even until now, there are things that continue to bother me, haunt me, and have made me close my heart off to things I know I should accept.
I will say, however, that certain decisions that I have made have been the best choice I could have made, I just should have done them sooner.
It surprises me how other people can stay the same...here I am...feeling like I have changed so much...but maybe I haven't at all. Maybe I am the same...because when I look at others, nothing is different. I'm just glad I am not the one they are hurting anymore.
I'm glad I avoided any serious harm though...I never made decisions that put me in dangerous positions and for that I am proud. It feels good knowing that i have stood up for myself and recognized that I was not mature enough for some things before doing them. Even though I was pressured for months, and criticized on both ends, and even though a lot of times I was vague about what I wanted, I never did anything that went against my morals, and isn't that something to be proud of?
What I'm wondering is, does that make me more immature than others? Or more mature for realizing that I was immature?
OOOOh life does not make sense at times.
I think I am just the type of person who instead of trying to make a situation better just endures it...I always think to myself, "just endure for this much longer and you can rest" instead of thinking of how to make that time easier for myself. I think this is a blessing and a curse...
Anyway...last thought...I know this has just been all over the place but yeah ok
I was told that all my tweets are me hating life and...it kind of made me sad...I don't want people to see that side of me; even though I am hurting I don't want people to pity me. It bothers me when other people look down on me or 'recognize' my depression...that's something I want to keep to myself. I know tweeting about it may seem like a call for attention but I didn't know any other way to cleanse without venting to people which I try to avoid at all costs. This is one reason I made this blog and also one reason I deleted my twitter.
I hope people in the future will see me as a happy person, and recognize that, like everyone, I have been through a lot, but I am still strong. The last thing I want to be seen as is weak.
