Emotions

Honestly, it's almost scary how I have managed to make myself immune to my own feelings. It's to the point that I fear I barely even experience emotion. The only feelings I am really in touch with lately are ones of embarrassment and anger, and those are even more subtle than they used to be.

I don't think it's that I'm just apathetic, because in all honesty, I care a lot about the people around me, and worry a lot about hurting their feelings. But my emotions are becoming more and more dull...I rarely get excited about things, I don't feel nervous when I go out, or when I send a juicy text message...I don't feel upset as much when things don't go the way I wish, and I don't feel like there is really anything that I want.....

I thought at first I was just maturing, because at some point, you kind of have to stop letting yourself be affected by little things that happen in life...If someone pisses you off, you suck it up and remain respectful and classy, even if you don't agree with them, if someone says something cheesy or sweet you have to realize that actions are stronger than words and you can't let yourself be swayed by things that someone says so easily, you have to have the judgment to tell when words are said carelessly and when they actually mean something, and you can't let insecurities define you...

But maybe, blindly, I have been believing that I am mature, when really, I am just avoiding the things that are supposed to help me mature.

I haven't felt heartbreak in so long, save through my dramas...my heart hasn't skipped a beat for someone in a very long time, and I'm starting to think it might not again...my friends talk about the guys they like and how its hurting them to not be with them, and how even just seeing them lights up their day and I miss that feeling but I don't even remember how to feel that. I keep telling myself that I'm just waiting for the right guy to change my heart but I don't even know if I believe in that anymore. I'm starting to believe, more and more, that love is a decision...that you have to /make/ yourself love someone, choose to have them affect you and change you...

I need goals...I haven't felt success in too long..I want to work for something and do well at it and feel accomplished, which is why i want to work out or try something new but I have so many /doubts/ and /insecurities/ about it that I think are really taking over me...I have been wanting to lose weight for almost four years and it hasn't happened because I am so goddamn lazy...whenever I get inspired, it dies quickly...I lose inspiration..I have no drive...

I haven't been....taking care of myself.......

The thing is I absolutely don't want someone to come along and make me feel special and give me "inspiration" or whatever...because I want to do it myself...find inspiration elsewhere..I don't want to put my faith in the opinions of another person ever again, nor do I want their opinion of me to affect me so much....

Something I regret more than anything is letting myself lose what I really cared about because of someone else taking over my life. So I think what happened is I've turned off my responsiveness to things, and it's made me a very dull, lifeless thing.