Show You Care

White Lies and Opinions

Lazy

헐

Everyone gives up on me or uses me to their advantage

People offend /me/ and then /theyre/ the ones who stay mad

They tell me they care and then when it comes to something thats important to me they judge me for it or think they have the right to give me their opinion about it, ignorantly

People expect me to respect their time but never consider the fact that I give up my own time for them while they protect their own

I always think maybe this person is the one that actually gives a fuck

And then they disappoint me

Attention

I think my problem is that I desperately want attention but I generally am not "attention-seeking." I like to think I am a good listener, but sometimes I wish people would be the same for me. I always feel guilty for talking about myself, and I honestly care more about my friends' situations as well but I think it's caused my friends to take advantage of that. Even if they offend me I let it slide, laugh it off, but I always worry soo much about making sure I don't offend them. I just wish that other people would consider me before they said things so easily.

It's like, I'll be talking to a friend, and somehow, a conversation about my life or something that happened to me flips around quickly to be a conversation about the other person, and  a very long one. It's like, something dramatic happens to me and I want to tell someone and they make it about them. This sounds pretentious but it's actually really true..I feel like with almost every situation I have, my friends will turn it around and say things like "At least it's not as bad as my situation blah blah" or "Oh that reminds me of my situation blah blah" and then I end up giving feedback about their life.

It's really caused me to not talk about myself whatsoever with people which isn't really healthy but I can't stand being ignored like that I just find it kind of rude...
But the problem is then people I talk to don't even /consider/ the fact that things happen to me and think my life is simple and easy and that really really bothers me because it isn't, at all, and I have problems just like them I just don't /talk/ about them all the time.

So yeah, I know I'm incredibly selfish and rude but the thing is I do care about what my friends are saying, it's not that at all..it's just that I don't feel like anyone really thinks of me, wonders how I am doing, asks about my life...

I'm so easily walked over and it bothers me soo much but I let it happen...

Emotions

Damn idk

Whenever I havent seen someone in awhile and they just seem to want to talk about themselves im not sure if I should just let them and not mention anything about me and just wait for them to ask, or if I should butt in and say things that ive been up to as well...
But like even if they do ask I feel awkward because honestly its annoying to listen to someone go on and on and on about themselves because I feel unimportant you know so at the same time I dont want to start talking and stuff and make them feel the same way...I also dont want them to feel bad for talking so much because I actually do care I just feel like they don't you know
So most of the time I give short responses and talk abt things that dont have to be explained thoroughly so I dont feel like.im being selfish and talking about myself too much but then people might think i dont trust them or that I dont want to tell them ehat ive been up to which isnt the case...and sometimes they ask me to elaborate and I feel bad if I dont bc they might actually care but then if I do I feel bad for taking their time with a useless story so idk
Its always so awkward
But like if they dont ask then I feel awkward for not bringing stuff up that they may care about but just not think to ask about....but then again what if they dont care...and its always awk later on when people are like omg why didnt yoy tell me and im like well you only talk bout yourself.....but its like I could jsut talk abt me you know
Like am I supposed to talk about myself. ...I feel like itd be annoying to people...

This post makes no sense

Just a Couple Thoughts

I have a lot that I could vent right now but I am trying my best to stay positive atm so instead I'm going to write it all out and delete it.

...

There. Gone.

I was just having some negative and hurtful thoughts and I really hate that I think things like that sometimes, because I like to think that I have the potential to be a good person, but sometimes certain things happen that bring the worst out of me. Now I feel a bit refreshed having typed it all up and deleting it.

Cassey Ho, on her blog, addressed some of her followers having a problem with the way her thigh gap looks, and she said she doesn't care because she loves her legs.

I think it was a great reminder for me that it's more important to make yourself happy before pleasing others. Because I have definitely been lacking in this area, I think now more than ever it is important for me to focus on my own happiness and well being. I've neglected it long enough, and I'm tired of other people trying to change me or make me do things that I'm not comfortable with.

So yeah.

Just had to type this up because it was bothering me.

The Future

Sitting at Einstein Bros. Bagels and drinking a vanilla latte thinking about a lot of things all at once~

I have another test tomorrow and I'm almost at the point of giving up on everything but I know I won't because I'm too proud, and also too chicken...

I think about how in a lot of dramas, the girl's life is so hard but she still maintains good grades and a couple part time jobs and I wonder why the hell I can't do the same thing but then I realize it's because while I'm watching dramas other people are going out and getting shit done...

So I think, from now on I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to be one of those people and not spend money carelessly or on myself and I'm going to work out every day and I'm going to work and be social and get good grades and it's going to be wonderful...

But I don't...

Why don't I?

I think if you truly want something bad enough you'll go for it, right? I mean, I sit here and think about how badly I want something but I don't do anything about it. So does that mean I don't want it badly enough? Idk.

I think about how easy it would be to just...take my money and buy a plane ticket to anywhere....spend a few nights there...be alone..on my own...like I could do that you know? I'm 18...I'm allowed to do that...I don't even have to tell anyone. 
I am pretty sure I could efficiently make up a lie and just go do something outrageous on my own and no one would even know. But I won't.

But why? It sounds fun, it'd be an experience, a challenge...but I can probably say 100% that I won't do that. But I don't know why.

Like, I feel trapped by some...subconscious desire to be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend....despite the fact that I tell myself all the time to be spontaneous and focus on the things that I want to get out of life and not the things that other people expect of me, or the things that I know...

Honestly I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I have a dream like the next person but I know it's unattainable.....is that why I am not driven to do anything with myself?

I feel like I have become lazy in almost every aspect of my life...without inspiration or motivation...purely because of the fact that I deem things impossible from the start. Maybe that's why I don't do anything about the things that I want in life...it's not that I don't want them badly enough but it's because I don't have the faith in myself to accomplish them.

I want to impress myself, and show myself what I am capable of but I feel like there isn't much opportunity for this...HOW can I do this? How can I become the go-getter person that I used to be again?

I've been searching for years for the right inspiration..the right thing to really jump start myself back into my old way of thinking...but I just...haven't...found it....

And now I feel like it's too late....

I know that I'm the one hindering myself from accomplishing great things yet, I sit here and blame it on circumstance..convince myself that I'll do good things later....and remain unhappy...

How much longer will I continue to do this to myself...

Also, I hate Christmas music.

Image v Self Image

I absolutely hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight.
Do you honestly think I want to lose weight because I care what you think of my body? Hell no, it's because I want to feel comfortable with my own body. I honestly find it completely rude when other people think they can judge your decisions on what to eat, how much to eat, what diet you're on, how often you work out, how you workout, etc because all of those things involve personal decisions and making yourself feel good and it has nothing to do with other people. Don't judge me because I'm uncomfortable with my body, you have no right. I don't give a shit if every person in the whole goddamn world thinks I'm attractive, if I want to lose weight I'm going to do it.
There's nothing wrong with self-improvement and setting goals and such when related to food and exercise gives you something to feel accomplished about. Lately, I have been missing this sense of accomplishment that I used to have through other things. So why the hell can't I want to work out? It isn't because I'm conforming to society's judgment of beautiful, nor is it because I want to impress other people. I want to get fit and see progress and complete daily goals and weekly goals and monthly goals and feel proud of myself for them. I want to show myself that I can do it, so I can be confident in myself and comfortable with my body, regardless of what it looks like. Even if I look the same to other people, the fact that I put in effort and time into taking care of myself makes me look better to ME.
So fuck all those people who think they're doing you a favor by telling you that you're pretty anyway and don't need to work out. They make me feel guilty for wanting to, and that's pretty fucking messed up. I shouldn't have to feel judged for my decision to work out or not. No one has that right except me.

Personality Traits

Sometimes the aspects of other people that you swear will never be attributed to your own personality are the exact aspects of yourself that you choose to ignore, using others' demonstration of them as an excuse to ignore them in yourself. The sad thing is that everyone recognizes that this is true, yet still chooses to ignore the fact that it is true for themselves. We see it in other people; that boy over there swears he will never be like his father but is acting in the same way, that girl chastises others for their judgmental nature but is exactly the same herself....but for some reason accepting it in our own life is difficult. What I'm wondering is...are these traits inevitable or are they things we have control over...and if we have control to what extent is this control.......

idk, just thoughts

Late Night Thoughts

I've realized that no matter what you say or do, people are going to believe what they want.
Regardless of whether or not your words are true or have merit, people are going to use them against you.
They'll even go as far as to make up evidence, convince their friends and other people that they are right as justification for holding that belief (there's power in numbers i guess), or indirectly insult people just as excuses for being rude, stubborn, jealous, narrow-minded or for ignoring their own problems and focusing on other people.

But in life, that's not going to get you anywhere. If you waste your time focusing on what you don't like about other people, you are ignoring yourself, ignoring opportunity for your own improvement. It may be easier to put other people down in the moment but in the end it gets you nowhere. They're still going to do what they do and you can talk about it all you want but most likely that isn't going to change.

In my own life I have realized this later than I should, and now when I see it in others it hurts knowing that they may end up like me. I've experienced both ends of this, like most people do, and I think a lot of people stubbornly refuse to accept the fact that they are wrong.

Today I was thinking about how far I have come since high school and despite my many, many mistakes, I feel proud knowing I made my way through it all. Yet, still, even until now, there are things that continue to bother me, haunt me, and have made me close my heart off to things I know I should accept.
I will say, however, that certain decisions that I have made have been the best choice I could have made, I just should have done them sooner.

It surprises me how other people can stay the same...here I am...feeling like I have changed so much...but maybe I haven't at all. Maybe I am the same...because when I look at others, nothing is different. I'm just glad I am not the one they are hurting anymore.

I'm glad I avoided any serious harm though...I never made decisions that put me in dangerous positions and for that I am proud. It feels good knowing that i have stood up for myself and recognized that I was not mature enough for some things before doing them. Even though I was pressured for months, and criticized on both ends, and even though a lot of times I was vague about what I wanted, I never did anything that went against my morals, and isn't that something to be proud of?

What I'm wondering is, does that make me more immature than others? Or more mature for realizing that I was immature?

OOOOh life does not make sense at times.

I think I am just the type of person who instead of trying to make a situation better just endures it...I always think to myself, "just endure for this much longer and you can rest" instead of thinking of how to make that time easier for myself. I think this is a blessing and a curse...


Anyway...last thought...I know this has just been all over the place but yeah ok
I was told that all my tweets are me hating life and...it kind of made me sad...I don't want people to see that side of me; even though I am hurting I don't want people to pity me. It bothers me when other people look down on me or 'recognize' my depression...that's something I want to keep to myself. I know tweeting about it may seem like a call for attention but I didn't know any other way to cleanse without venting to people which I try to avoid at all costs. This is one reason I made this blog and also one reason I deleted my twitter.
I hope people in the future will see me as a happy person, and recognize that, like everyone, I have been through a lot, but I am still strong. The last thing I want to be seen as is weak.

Self? Or...

I started writing about a fictional character and then after awhile I kind of realized I was writing about myself and it scared the shit out of me

I guess it's kind of silly like
I know my flaws and I'm well aware of the fact that I think too logically and that I'm ridiculously prideful and somewhat judgmental but instead of admitting it to myself and changing it I transferred the guilt I feel about these things to a fictional character

But that makes it even more hilarious like
here I am admitting these things and like I /know/ that they're true and all yet I still continue to convince myself that I'm just strong-willed or independent and I'm probably going to continue to do that when I close out of this tab and it's just so weird like how can it be so simple to understand and embrace these things but so difficult to get over them...

Like I guess I convince myself that these are just aspects of my personality that don't need to be changed but do they? Like I should probably be less selfish and jealous all the time but instead of practicing that I just let it go with the excuse that it's just how I am but like is it? Or am I just convincing myself that that's who I am when in reality I'm just being stubborn even about that like oh my goodness I don't even know what I'm doing!

It's like kind of trippy

Do I really have cynical views towards love and romantic relationships or am I just a romantic hiding behind the cynicism????
Is it really that difficult for me to think emotionally or do I just force myself to think logically to ignore the fact that I am far too emotional about things??
Am I really shy and awkward or do I just use that as an excuse not to show the world how opinionated and outspoken I am about things????
Do I really care about school more than most things or do I use school as an excuse not to care about other things???
Am I just afraid of my personality? Or am I so comfortable with my personality that I don't feel like I need other people to see it???
Do I try too hard and pretend oblivion because I want people to accept me and agree with me or is it because I'm too afraid to speak my mind and be disagreed with???
Are my opinions so strong that I feel the need to argue against other people or is it that my opinions are so weak that I'll just argue against anything?

Like damn! I don't even knnooowww lol
i hope no one I know reads this because oops..awk...

Life

Imagine waking up every morning with notifications on your phone, looking in the mirror and seeing a pretty face and skinny body, opening your closet and finding beautiful, cute clothing, getting calls from people who want to talk to you, going to a job you enjoy where you are doing what you love and doing it well, being recognized by people for your talents, being able to be yourself and choose what kind of person you want people to see you as, being proud of your individuality, accepting your flaws, going out to nice places to eat, not having to worry about money, not being bored, having places to be at night, having people to take photos with and not worrying about what angle the camera is at because you're happy with how you look at any angle, having stories to tell, fun things to do, people to meet, places to go, people to fall in love with you, people to fall in love with...being happy...

Relationshit?

It's kind of looked down on by everyone around me to like, live with a guy before getting married and whatever and like, honestly for the longest time I've agreed but to be honest, I feel like I would rather live with a guy before getting married...
I feel like marriage is between families but relationships are supposed to be between two people...
Anyway idk why I had this thought LOL I'm not even looking for a relationship.
I mean I think I'm just having that longing feeling again where you want a boy~ but I don't think I would be able to emotionally handle a relationship now anyway so it's all good~ it's ok if i dont have anyone.
But I'm just saying if I were to have someone I would want to date them or live with them for a really long time before deciding to get married.

Contradiction

You know those days where everything seems to contradict itself like the weather is cool but when you wear a sweater you're hot or you dress really nice feeling confident and then when you're out on the streets you suddenly feel incredibly aware of yourself and insecure or where you feel like you have so much to do yet you're bored or you're not hungry but you jsut wanna eat everything or you really just don't give a fuck but you're worrying about everything and it's just all at once in your little head and you kind of don't really know what to do well I am having one of those days

opinion / individuality

So I am currently on the bus on my way home for the weekend but I just had a thought so I thought I would write it down.

I was thinking about how normally, when I am walking to class, and probably running late teehee, I get frustrated when the big old bus is trucking down the road preventing me from crossing. From my perspective as a pedestrian, I feel like the buses and cars and bicyclists are a hassle and essentially something "in my way."

However, at the moment, I am put in the opposite position, and, hoping to not get home too too late in the evening, the pedestrians preventing the bus from going forward are more of an annoyance to me.

It's kind of like when you are a customer at a restaurant and you think of the customer being always right, so even if you give the worker a hard time or give them a very precise order or instructions or complain about the little mistakes they make, you justify yourself by saying "Well that's their job," or something of that nature.

But then if YOU are the worker or employee and you receive a customer like explained above, you might become frustrated or feel that they are being far too picky and rude and you might be tempted to "spit intheir food" or something outrageous like that. You'll justify yourself by saying that you dont deserve that kind of treatment because youre already working very hard and dont need any complications.

So I guess in a sense just seeing things from our own perspectives causes us to be somewhat selfish in our view of certain situations.

I think that respect is a two way street, and that if you are given it you should give it. If more people thought about their decisions considering other peoples' points of view more often instead of living in their own close minded world then the world would be a better place. I know this is kind of a generally accepted idea but in reality we dont often realize when we are being selfish or not considering other peoples' situations.

I think maybe it is important to do little things like thanking the person who serves you at a restaurant or smiling at the people who you pass on the street or having patience for the pedestrians walking across the street.

because they are also going somewhere. Just because you dont know what is going on in their life doesnt mean nothing is. In the same way, just because you may not appreciate one aspect of life doesnt mean someone else doesnt. So you should respect it regardless.

For example, yesterday I was talking to my roommate and she was telling me how a lot of Art majors in her class were talking about art museums and how much meaning they have and how important they are to society and how interesting they are and I think at one point she referred to them as "real museums" unlike, she said, science or history museums that have no merit. Now this pissed off my roommate, being an environmental science major with a lot of interest interest in science in general.

To this girl, from her perspective which focused on what she was interested in, science and history were not important or worthy of praise or whatever. But to my roommate it is her MAJOR for crying out loud, what she is investing her life into.

So I think it is extremely unfair to say that just because something isn't important to YOU that it is not important at ALL.

I think if more people looked at things and ideas with the mindset of "this may not have meaning to me but I appreciate that it may have meaning to SOMEONE", then society would most likely be a more accepting and open minded body.

it's so easy to judge things with the thought that they are not beautiful or worth something or important just because of your own taste and opinions but oftentimes things are beautiful nonetheless, regardless of if anyone at all appreciates them as beautiful.

for example with music,  alot of times people think of music as being "good" or "bad" depending on their taste instead of considering that for a certain taste it may be wonderful but for another it may be terrible. Like some people think that country music is "bad music" when in fact there is good country and bad country, and said good country could be bad country to someone else.

instead of looking at things or ideas or art or ANYTHING with the mindset of "oh I dont like this therefore it is bad or wrong" shouldnt we be considering that it may be right to some people or in some sense but just not in our own life?

if someone's life was given inspiration and meaning by the influence of miley cyrus then is miley cyrus really "bad" pop culture? Or if someone's devotion to a really popular talented musical group led to antisocial behavior and depression then are they still a great group?

I think most things in life are this way: there is no right or wrong and we should respect all opinions for that reason.

Sorry for the unnecessarily long post!

Pet Peeve!

I just felt the need to say this but I really HATE being looked down on.
I don't think it is at all necessary to try to prove that you are better than someone. It doesn't matter!
I don't care if you think you know more than me, think you're prettier than me, think you're funnier than me, cooler than me, better than me in any way... Respect is still something I deserve, especially when, despite little degrading comments made to make me feel like I am less than you, I give you respect.
And I do not appreciate when people put me on the spot and run me into a corner with a question that makes me lose, either way I answer it.
I am not pitiful and I am not less than you and though I am being nice right now, I am not the type of person you want to piss off. I'm giving you a chance to make a good impression and you haven't so far, so don't be surprised when I stop laughing it off when you insult me and come back with something bitter.

Ok have a nice day i just needed to get that off my chest ^^

Things I've realized about myself

This morning I realized I really didn't have anything to do today besides study and do homework, so I thought I would go find a nice place to sit and read on campus to do this. However, campus was a lot quieter than usual and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. Nonetheless I found a spot and tried to study and didn't really get a lot done because I was distracted by all the little things going on around me. I guess because things were for the most part kind of quiet, any movement or noise called my attention.

Anyway there was this huge tree that had been kind of dug up (?). Basically they cut a hole around it so you could see deeper into the tree than just the part coming up from the ground. I'm not sure why or how they did this or even who did this but it was kind of interesting to me because I didn't know that tree trunks extended so far deeper into the earth; I kind of assumed their roots were right below the surface or something but this tree's trunk was a lot longer and I wondered how far exactly it went into the earth before it became roots. Lately I've been assuming everything is metaphorical so I was thinking about it and it's kind of funny how sometimes things are a lot 'deeper' than we make them; problems are a lot worse than we think, there's a lot more to some people than we assume, things are not always as they seem I guess.

Anyway so this got me thinking about myself and what kind of a person I am on the outside, as opposed to what's "hidden underneath." I think on the outside I appear to be very vulnerable, gullible and kind of just a shy,  not very friendly person. But there's a lot more to me than that. I think even I have begun to think of myself as being this kind of person so much so that I have forgotten the true person I am.

I'm not vulnerable, rather, I try to accept the good in people and I try my hardest to make sure that I am not making someone uncomfortable or angry. I do my best to get on people's good sides. Is that me being vulnerable? I'm not sure. But I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter. Why do I need to give a name to a certain aspect of myself? Maybe instead of "gullible" I am just a person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe instead of me being someone who is "cynical" I am a person who tries to accept reality for what it is instead of getting my hopes up and finding disappointment?

It's kind of ironic that today, Lee Changsub tweeted a song recommendation, Tasha's "Black Happiness" because a lyric in that song goes, "You gotta be strong, you gotta hold on and love yourself." The whole song is talking about being ashamed of her skin color, or just being ashamed of who you are and her resolution is that you just have to "be strong and love yourself." I think that, along with my observation of the tree has made me realize that instead of profiling certain aspects of yourself and ignoring the truth behind them, instead of focusing on the aspects of yourself that other people can see and ignoring the aspects of yourself that really truly define you, we should be focusing on the aspects of ourselves that make us who we are, and make us a person that we can love. Because they say if you can't love yourself, no one will.

This kind of just proves how the little things that Changsub does have big impacts on my life and the way I view life itself, and also that nature is sometimes most honest.

Anyway, those are just things that have been floating through my head today so I thought I would write them down.

If you are reading this, listen to Tasha's song and LIVE IT!

gdfgdf

I want someone with confidence.
Don't ask to kiss me, or wait for the "right time," just grab me by the arm, pull me close and kiss me. Surprise me. Don't make me feel nervous in anticipation, overwhelm me.

If you want to talk to me, call me. Text me. Show up at my place and take me somewhere.
Be unexpected. Don't wait for my approval. Just do it. There are no rules.
Keep me interested and excited, but don't keep me waiting.

Tell me what you're thinking. Don't hesitate. Ask me what you want to know. Make me tell you. Make me do the things I want to without thinking. Don't think too much. It's simple.

Just go with it and I'll follow.



edit; i made this post long time ago so not sure how relevant it is tbqh but yeh forgot to post