The Future

Sitting at Einstein Bros. Bagels and drinking a vanilla latte thinking about a lot of things all at once~

I have another test tomorrow and I'm almost at the point of giving up on everything but I know I won't because I'm too proud, and also too chicken...

I think about how in a lot of dramas, the girl's life is so hard but she still maintains good grades and a couple part time jobs and I wonder why the hell I can't do the same thing but then I realize it's because while I'm watching dramas other people are going out and getting shit done...

So I think, from now on I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to be one of those people and not spend money carelessly or on myself and I'm going to work out every day and I'm going to work and be social and get good grades and it's going to be wonderful...

But I don't...

Why don't I?

I think if you truly want something bad enough you'll go for it, right? I mean, I sit here and think about how badly I want something but I don't do anything about it. So does that mean I don't want it badly enough? Idk.

I think about how easy it would be to just...take my money and buy a plane ticket to anywhere....spend a few nights there...be alone..on my own...like I could do that you know? I'm 18...I'm allowed to do that...I don't even have to tell anyone. 
I am pretty sure I could efficiently make up a lie and just go do something outrageous on my own and no one would even know. But I won't.

But why? It sounds fun, it'd be an experience, a challenge...but I can probably say 100% that I won't do that. But I don't know why.

Like, I feel trapped by some...subconscious desire to be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend....despite the fact that I tell myself all the time to be spontaneous and focus on the things that I want to get out of life and not the things that other people expect of me, or the things that I know...

Honestly I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I have a dream like the next person but I know it's unattainable.....is that why I am not driven to do anything with myself?

I feel like I have become lazy in almost every aspect of my life...without inspiration or motivation...purely because of the fact that I deem things impossible from the start. Maybe that's why I don't do anything about the things that I want in life...it's not that I don't want them badly enough but it's because I don't have the faith in myself to accomplish them.

I want to impress myself, and show myself what I am capable of but I feel like there isn't much opportunity for this...HOW can I do this? How can I become the go-getter person that I used to be again?

I've been searching for years for the right inspiration..the right thing to really jump start myself back into my old way of thinking...but I just...haven't...found it....

And now I feel like it's too late....

I know that I'm the one hindering myself from accomplishing great things yet, I sit here and blame it on circumstance..convince myself that I'll do good things later....and remain unhappy...

How much longer will I continue to do this to myself...

Also, I hate Christmas music.