Lonely

Tonight, I feel lonely.

Not so much in the way that I need someone right next to me right now or that I even want to talk to someone but more that I don't even feel comfortable around myself right now.

I feel mad, hurt, cheated, annoyed, disappointed, guilty, jealous, and alone...

But to be honest, I'm so used to feeling like this that it's almost comfortable in a way. But today, for some reason, I want it to change.

Can't I just be in love with someone? I want to feel that. I want to love someone so much it's physically painful. But instead, I'm just left with feelings of resentment and regret and it's upsetting. I watch so many dramas, hoping that I can feel pain in the way the characters do when they love but instead I feel pain trying to love like them.

I can't do it, and I don't know why.

Why can't I love anyone?

I can't even remember the last time my heart fluttered because of someone who wasn't on the television screen. Someone told me I'm a hopeless romantic. It made me laugh, because it's probably true. But I can't find the least bit of romance in me besides my obsession with Korean dramas.

I just want to love...why is that so difficult.......................................