This morning I realized I really didn't have anything to do today besides study and do homework, so I thought I would go find a nice place to sit and read on campus to do this. However, campus was a lot quieter than usual and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. Nonetheless I found a spot and tried to study and didn't really get a lot done because I was distracted by all the little things going on around me. I guess because things were for the most part kind of quiet, any movement or noise called my attention.
Anyway there was this huge tree that had been kind of dug up (?). Basically they cut a hole around it so you could see deeper into the tree than just the part coming up from the ground. I'm not sure why or how they did this or even who did this but it was kind of interesting to me because I didn't know that tree trunks extended so far deeper into the earth; I kind of assumed their roots were right below the surface or something but this tree's trunk was a lot longer and I wondered how far exactly it went into the earth before it became roots. Lately I've been assuming everything is metaphorical so I was thinking about it and it's kind of funny how sometimes things are a lot 'deeper' than we make them; problems are a lot worse than we think, there's a lot more to some people than we assume, things are not always as they seem I guess.
Anyway so this got me thinking about myself and what kind of a person I am on the outside, as opposed to what's "hidden underneath." I think on the outside I appear to be very vulnerable, gullible and kind of just a shy, not very friendly person. But there's a lot more to me than that. I think even I have begun to think of myself as being this kind of person so much so that I have forgotten the true person I am.
I'm not vulnerable, rather, I try to accept the good in people and I try my hardest to make sure that I am not making someone uncomfortable or angry. I do my best to get on people's good sides. Is that me being vulnerable? I'm not sure. But I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter. Why do I need to give a name to a certain aspect of myself? Maybe instead of "gullible" I am just a person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe instead of me being someone who is "cynical" I am a person who tries to accept reality for what it is instead of getting my hopes up and finding disappointment?
It's kind of ironic that today, Lee Changsub tweeted a song recommendation, Tasha's "Black Happiness" because a lyric in that song goes, "You gotta be strong, you gotta hold on and love yourself." The whole song is talking about being ashamed of her skin color, or just being ashamed of who you are and her resolution is that you just have to "be strong and love yourself." I think that, along with my observation of the tree has made me realize that instead of profiling certain aspects of yourself and ignoring the truth behind them, instead of focusing on the aspects of yourself that other people can see and ignoring the aspects of yourself that really truly define you, we should be focusing on the aspects of ourselves that make us who we are, and make us a person that we can love. Because they say if you can't love yourself, no one will.
This kind of just proves how the little things that Changsub does have big impacts on my life and the way I view life itself, and also that nature is sometimes most honest.
Anyway, those are just things that have been floating through my head today so I thought I would write them down.
If you are reading this, listen to Tasha's song and LIVE IT!
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, September 2, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Love
To me, love is a choice.
Sure, you don't choose who you have feelings for but you choose how you react to them. If you react to them by shutting them away, trying your best to forget about them, then you aren't choosing love. It's simple. Feelings, crushes, etc are natural, but love is not a feeling. Love isn't something you hide away and disguise with friendship, feelings are what you hide away and disguise with friendship. Love isn't something that just goes away or changes unless you let it. You can't love someone without your consent, without trying to love them and understand them. It takes emotional and mental absorption and engagement. This is why I despise hearing the words "I love you." If you love me, show me. Don't tell me. Words mean nothing when you don't know what it means to love. When you tell me you love me, I should already know. You don't need to confess your love for it to be real, and you shouldn't have to feel like saying "I love you" is a huge step in a relationship. Love is a huge step in a relationship, but not the words "I love you."
Right now, in my life, I am choosing not to love. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I do. My heart flutters and I get nervous and there is a person who I feel like I could love if I let myself. But I'm just pushing past this and prioritizing other things. That doesn't mean I can't love, or am incapable of loving, but just that right now, I don't need love in my life. There are more important things to me. Maybe later in my lifetime I'll be looking for a romantic relationship, and will choose love then. But for right now, I'm not emotionally ready to truly love someone. So I choose not to.
Sure, you don't choose who you have feelings for but you choose how you react to them. If you react to them by shutting them away, trying your best to forget about them, then you aren't choosing love. It's simple. Feelings, crushes, etc are natural, but love is not a feeling. Love isn't something you hide away and disguise with friendship, feelings are what you hide away and disguise with friendship. Love isn't something that just goes away or changes unless you let it. You can't love someone without your consent, without trying to love them and understand them. It takes emotional and mental absorption and engagement. This is why I despise hearing the words "I love you." If you love me, show me. Don't tell me. Words mean nothing when you don't know what it means to love. When you tell me you love me, I should already know. You don't need to confess your love for it to be real, and you shouldn't have to feel like saying "I love you" is a huge step in a relationship. Love is a huge step in a relationship, but not the words "I love you."
Right now, in my life, I am choosing not to love. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I do. My heart flutters and I get nervous and there is a person who I feel like I could love if I let myself. But I'm just pushing past this and prioritizing other things. That doesn't mean I can't love, or am incapable of loving, but just that right now, I don't need love in my life. There are more important things to me. Maybe later in my lifetime I'll be looking for a romantic relationship, and will choose love then. But for right now, I'm not emotionally ready to truly love someone. So I choose not to.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Someone...
If I'm ever going to find someone who I'm meant to be with or whatever, I really hope he's fun.
Like...intelligent when it comes down to something serious or intellectual, but someone I can be stupid and weird with and it not be awkward or annoying.
I'm realizing that the 'perfect guy' is probably not going to be someone who is 'perfect' but someone who is perfect for me.
Like...intelligent when it comes down to something serious or intellectual, but someone I can be stupid and weird with and it not be awkward or annoying.
I'm realizing that the 'perfect guy' is probably not going to be someone who is 'perfect' but someone who is perfect for me.
Favorite Songs
To be honest, I think the songs that will stick with me the longest are the ones I don't share with people. Those songs by unknown bands that you fell in love with for the music...not the band members or the influence from friends or its popularity but for the way it makes you feel. You don't have to explain yourself to other people about why you like these songs, or even tell people that theyre your favorite. And you may have other temporary favorites along the way but these songs are forever. I have a couple of songs like these and when I hear them, I feel most..myself.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Falling in LOVE
falling in love is kind of like music…
…the more you listen to it, the more you connect with it. You start to memorize the lyrics, the beat, the tune….you begin to associate it with certain areas of your life, it becomes a part of your memories, you use it to reminisce, it suits any mood you have, it cheers you up, brings you down, gets you excited, makes you feel every emotion humanly possible…it gets stuck in your head for hours and takes over your mind….
Anyway I just think that the more you try to truly understand a person, the same way we analyze, memorize and obsess over music, the easier it is to fall in love with them.
…the more you listen to it, the more you connect with it. You start to memorize the lyrics, the beat, the tune….you begin to associate it with certain areas of your life, it becomes a part of your memories, you use it to reminisce, it suits any mood you have, it cheers you up, brings you down, gets you excited, makes you feel every emotion humanly possible…it gets stuck in your head for hours and takes over your mind….
Anyway I just think that the more you try to truly understand a person, the same way we analyze, memorize and obsess over music, the easier it is to fall in love with them.
Outside
Today, I spent a good deal of my day outside, where it was easily in the upper 90s, but with the humidity, it felt even hotter. Anyway, my initial motivation for spending time in the sun was to tan, which, if you know me, is nearly impossible, but I figure if I up the time I spend outdoors each day then slowly I will tan.
So I sat on a bench at a nearby park and kind of just read a book and watched the scenery and whatnot and I realized that being outdoors is really inspiring. It got me thinking about so many things that I've never considered and there was so much going through my mind at once but it wasn't overwhelming like usual- it was peaceful in a way, and felt like I was becoming more knowledgeable of the world just by observation.
I don't recall who but some man in history argued that observation was the key to learning and I'm starting to kind of agree.
Anyway I was going to put my headphones on and escape with the 1200 songs on my ipod to keep my mind busy but I ended up throwing away this idea because the sounds around me were just fine- not too distracting but not silent enough to drive me crazy. This got me thinking; these sounds are so simple and beautiful and so different from the electronics that we allow ourselves to obsess over nowadays and its interesting because if someone tried to reproduce these natural sounds like the sound of a car speeding by or a bird chirping or the grass flowing in the wind or the sound of water trickling, then it would be extremely annoying. Come to think of it, whenever songs or movies try to reproduce these songs I find that I get a huge headache or its just bothersome....
So that was one of my revelations: Sometimes the most natural things are the most calming, and you don't need an "escape from the world" to escape the world. Not sure if that makes much sense but it does to me so I'm going to leave it at that.
So as I was reading and thinking and appreciating these things, I noticed the people around me.
Honestly, I'm not much of a people person and I don't smile at people when they walk by me or whatever and I get extremely offended when people stare at me because I'm probably one of the most self conscious people I have met and idk that's just how it is.
But I noticed a certain man who was running on the circular half mile path around the park who I noticed was struggling greatly and looked tired as hell. He wasn't very fit, but in his workout shorts and oversized T-Shirt I could tell what his goal was. His back was sweaty and his posture was terrible like he had been running for days, and he often tripped over his feet and hung his head down in tire. Somehow I admired this man more than the two girls walking their dog with cute workout clothing on and perfect hair and tans and nice legs and whatnot... Because while they were gossiping and glaring at me like I was some sort of alien for reading or sitting on a bench for godsake or who knows what, this poor man was pushing himself over and over again to do another lap...another half mile...even though he was obviously dead tired.
There were other people there, of course, some running, some walking, some just admiring the lake or the park but to me, it was more interesting that a man, who could so easily give up and just stop, telling himself he's done enough for the day, could roll his eyes, take a deep breath and go another round. The beginning of the lap was probably the hardest, the way he knows he has an entire half mile left until he can take a drink, but it was probably the easiest too, being more shaded or whatnot, which really doesn't have anything to do with anything but I thought it was interesting that the most difficult time can also be the easiest.
I know I seem very creepy right now but I'm usually this observant so don't be surprised.
Anyway as I was leaving I looked at him across the park for one last time and turned away, and an interesting thought crossed my mind.
I will never see this person again. Isn't it strange how the people we encounter in our daily lives are most likely people who will only occupy a couple moments of our entire lives? We may see them a time or two again, but these people are as much a part of our lives as the grass we walk on, the roads we drive on, the air we breathe..they exist, we acknowledge them, but don't give them any real significance. But they are important. Without these little encounters like the one I had today, I wouldn't learn to observe, or appreciate the little things in life.
So I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even if it's a few minutes of your day, being outdoors or observing people or the world around you is so important. And more important is finding meaning in those little things. I find that the more meaning you find in the things that seem not to matter to you, the more you discover about life and yourself.
One last thought before I end this endless ramble of mine... Before I crawled back into the sauna of a car I was driving, I noticed a broken trashcan on the corner of the field. Above it, sitting on a pole, was a bird. I don't know why but this interested me. Right above the gross death of trash, thrown away, never to be used again, was something so alive and lively that it made me realize that life is a neverending cycle of life and death and these little things should be appreciated. Eh. That doesn't sound very profound; I apologize.
Alright, I think I am done.
Have a beautiful day, if you are reading this. And listen to The Script.
So I sat on a bench at a nearby park and kind of just read a book and watched the scenery and whatnot and I realized that being outdoors is really inspiring. It got me thinking about so many things that I've never considered and there was so much going through my mind at once but it wasn't overwhelming like usual- it was peaceful in a way, and felt like I was becoming more knowledgeable of the world just by observation.
I don't recall who but some man in history argued that observation was the key to learning and I'm starting to kind of agree.
Anyway I was going to put my headphones on and escape with the 1200 songs on my ipod to keep my mind busy but I ended up throwing away this idea because the sounds around me were just fine- not too distracting but not silent enough to drive me crazy. This got me thinking; these sounds are so simple and beautiful and so different from the electronics that we allow ourselves to obsess over nowadays and its interesting because if someone tried to reproduce these natural sounds like the sound of a car speeding by or a bird chirping or the grass flowing in the wind or the sound of water trickling, then it would be extremely annoying. Come to think of it, whenever songs or movies try to reproduce these songs I find that I get a huge headache or its just bothersome....
So that was one of my revelations: Sometimes the most natural things are the most calming, and you don't need an "escape from the world" to escape the world. Not sure if that makes much sense but it does to me so I'm going to leave it at that.
So as I was reading and thinking and appreciating these things, I noticed the people around me.
Honestly, I'm not much of a people person and I don't smile at people when they walk by me or whatever and I get extremely offended when people stare at me because I'm probably one of the most self conscious people I have met and idk that's just how it is.
But I noticed a certain man who was running on the circular half mile path around the park who I noticed was struggling greatly and looked tired as hell. He wasn't very fit, but in his workout shorts and oversized T-Shirt I could tell what his goal was. His back was sweaty and his posture was terrible like he had been running for days, and he often tripped over his feet and hung his head down in tire. Somehow I admired this man more than the two girls walking their dog with cute workout clothing on and perfect hair and tans and nice legs and whatnot... Because while they were gossiping and glaring at me like I was some sort of alien for reading or sitting on a bench for godsake or who knows what, this poor man was pushing himself over and over again to do another lap...another half mile...even though he was obviously dead tired.
There were other people there, of course, some running, some walking, some just admiring the lake or the park but to me, it was more interesting that a man, who could so easily give up and just stop, telling himself he's done enough for the day, could roll his eyes, take a deep breath and go another round. The beginning of the lap was probably the hardest, the way he knows he has an entire half mile left until he can take a drink, but it was probably the easiest too, being more shaded or whatnot, which really doesn't have anything to do with anything but I thought it was interesting that the most difficult time can also be the easiest.
I know I seem very creepy right now but I'm usually this observant so don't be surprised.
Anyway as I was leaving I looked at him across the park for one last time and turned away, and an interesting thought crossed my mind.
I will never see this person again. Isn't it strange how the people we encounter in our daily lives are most likely people who will only occupy a couple moments of our entire lives? We may see them a time or two again, but these people are as much a part of our lives as the grass we walk on, the roads we drive on, the air we breathe..they exist, we acknowledge them, but don't give them any real significance. But they are important. Without these little encounters like the one I had today, I wouldn't learn to observe, or appreciate the little things in life.
So I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even if it's a few minutes of your day, being outdoors or observing people or the world around you is so important. And more important is finding meaning in those little things. I find that the more meaning you find in the things that seem not to matter to you, the more you discover about life and yourself.
One last thought before I end this endless ramble of mine... Before I crawled back into the sauna of a car I was driving, I noticed a broken trashcan on the corner of the field. Above it, sitting on a pole, was a bird. I don't know why but this interested me. Right above the gross death of trash, thrown away, never to be used again, was something so alive and lively that it made me realize that life is a neverending cycle of life and death and these little things should be appreciated. Eh. That doesn't sound very profound; I apologize.
Alright, I think I am done.
Have a beautiful day, if you are reading this. And listen to The Script.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Lonely
Tonight, I feel lonely.
Not so much in the way that I need someone right next to me right now or that I even want to talk to someone but more that I don't even feel comfortable around myself right now.
I feel mad, hurt, cheated, annoyed, disappointed, guilty, jealous, and alone...
But to be honest, I'm so used to feeling like this that it's almost comfortable in a way. But today, for some reason, I want it to change.
Can't I just be in love with someone? I want to feel that. I want to love someone so much it's physically painful. But instead, I'm just left with feelings of resentment and regret and it's upsetting. I watch so many dramas, hoping that I can feel pain in the way the characters do when they love but instead I feel pain trying to love like them.
I can't do it, and I don't know why.
Why can't I love anyone?
I can't even remember the last time my heart fluttered because of someone who wasn't on the television screen. Someone told me I'm a hopeless romantic. It made me laugh, because it's probably true. But I can't find the least bit of romance in me besides my obsession with Korean dramas.
I just want to love...why is that so difficult.......................................
Not so much in the way that I need someone right next to me right now or that I even want to talk to someone but more that I don't even feel comfortable around myself right now.
I feel mad, hurt, cheated, annoyed, disappointed, guilty, jealous, and alone...
But to be honest, I'm so used to feeling like this that it's almost comfortable in a way. But today, for some reason, I want it to change.
Can't I just be in love with someone? I want to feel that. I want to love someone so much it's physically painful. But instead, I'm just left with feelings of resentment and regret and it's upsetting. I watch so many dramas, hoping that I can feel pain in the way the characters do when they love but instead I feel pain trying to love like them.
I can't do it, and I don't know why.
Why can't I love anyone?
I can't even remember the last time my heart fluttered because of someone who wasn't on the television screen. Someone told me I'm a hopeless romantic. It made me laugh, because it's probably true. But I can't find the least bit of romance in me besides my obsession with Korean dramas.
I just want to love...why is that so difficult.......................................
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