Self? Or...

I started writing about a fictional character and then after awhile I kind of realized I was writing about myself and it scared the shit out of me

I guess it's kind of silly like
I know my flaws and I'm well aware of the fact that I think too logically and that I'm ridiculously prideful and somewhat judgmental but instead of admitting it to myself and changing it I transferred the guilt I feel about these things to a fictional character

But that makes it even more hilarious like
here I am admitting these things and like I /know/ that they're true and all yet I still continue to convince myself that I'm just strong-willed or independent and I'm probably going to continue to do that when I close out of this tab and it's just so weird like how can it be so simple to understand and embrace these things but so difficult to get over them...

Like I guess I convince myself that these are just aspects of my personality that don't need to be changed but do they? Like I should probably be less selfish and jealous all the time but instead of practicing that I just let it go with the excuse that it's just how I am but like is it? Or am I just convincing myself that that's who I am when in reality I'm just being stubborn even about that like oh my goodness I don't even know what I'm doing!

It's like kind of trippy

Do I really have cynical views towards love and romantic relationships or am I just a romantic hiding behind the cynicism????
Is it really that difficult for me to think emotionally or do I just force myself to think logically to ignore the fact that I am far too emotional about things??
Am I really shy and awkward or do I just use that as an excuse not to show the world how opinionated and outspoken I am about things????
Do I really care about school more than most things or do I use school as an excuse not to care about other things???
Am I just afraid of my personality? Or am I so comfortable with my personality that I don't feel like I need other people to see it???
Do I try too hard and pretend oblivion because I want people to accept me and agree with me or is it because I'm too afraid to speak my mind and be disagreed with???
Are my opinions so strong that I feel the need to argue against other people or is it that my opinions are so weak that I'll just argue against anything?

Like damn! I don't even knnooowww lol
i hope no one I know reads this because oops..awk...