Reply 1994 1-15 Thoughts

spoilers and stuff

The Future

Sitting at Einstein Bros. Bagels and drinking a vanilla latte thinking about a lot of things all at once~

I have another test tomorrow and I'm almost at the point of giving up on everything but I know I won't because I'm too proud, and also too chicken...

I think about how in a lot of dramas, the girl's life is so hard but she still maintains good grades and a couple part time jobs and I wonder why the hell I can't do the same thing but then I realize it's because while I'm watching dramas other people are going out and getting shit done...

So I think, from now on I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to be one of those people and not spend money carelessly or on myself and I'm going to work out every day and I'm going to work and be social and get good grades and it's going to be wonderful...

But I don't...

Why don't I?

I think if you truly want something bad enough you'll go for it, right? I mean, I sit here and think about how badly I want something but I don't do anything about it. So does that mean I don't want it badly enough? Idk.

I think about how easy it would be to just...take my money and buy a plane ticket to anywhere....spend a few nights there...be alone..on my own...like I could do that you know? I'm 18...I'm allowed to do that...I don't even have to tell anyone. 
I am pretty sure I could efficiently make up a lie and just go do something outrageous on my own and no one would even know. But I won't.

But why? It sounds fun, it'd be an experience, a challenge...but I can probably say 100% that I won't do that. But I don't know why.

Like, I feel trapped by some...subconscious desire to be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend....despite the fact that I tell myself all the time to be spontaneous and focus on the things that I want to get out of life and not the things that other people expect of me, or the things that I know...

Honestly I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I have a dream like the next person but I know it's unattainable.....is that why I am not driven to do anything with myself?

I feel like I have become lazy in almost every aspect of my life...without inspiration or motivation...purely because of the fact that I deem things impossible from the start. Maybe that's why I don't do anything about the things that I want in life...it's not that I don't want them badly enough but it's because I don't have the faith in myself to accomplish them.

I want to impress myself, and show myself what I am capable of but I feel like there isn't much opportunity for this...HOW can I do this? How can I become the go-getter person that I used to be again?

I've been searching for years for the right inspiration..the right thing to really jump start myself back into my old way of thinking...but I just...haven't...found it....

And now I feel like it's too late....

I know that I'm the one hindering myself from accomplishing great things yet, I sit here and blame it on circumstance..convince myself that I'll do good things later....and remain unhappy...

How much longer will I continue to do this to myself...

Also, I hate Christmas music.

Sadness

I got personal again so please do not read if you are one to judge.

Girl Stuff

Normally, I'm against all of that superficial crap like getting your hair done or getting a facial, etc because I think it is dehumanizing as a woman and when I do it demoralizes me.

However, yesterday I went to a salon with my mother to get a pedicure and our eyebrows waxed for my sister's wedding.  I have never had my eyebrows done so it was a new and very scary experience for me. Afterward, I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked so different. It was almost radical the way I had changed. The sad thing is, he only person who is going to notice this change is me. No one else is going to notice the subtle difference in my eyebrow shape or size. No one else is going to notice that my toes are cutely painted.

So it made me wonder why did I even do it?

But I think I finally understand.

It doesn't matter who notices, as long as you feel beautiful. I don't need someone's approval. The fact that I feel pretty and have spoiled myself after a long week of self loathing and depression is all I need. Now, I can continue this week feeling better about my physical appearance, which gives me more confidence.

I know a lot of people chastise women for all the beautifying things we do, and many guys say they don't care if you don't look perfect and that they like girls' "natural faces" but that isn't why we do it. I'm not trying to impress anyone but myself. And guys do notice that something is different, they just can't make out what. And this is what is so perfect about it. These little changes have such a huge difference for my mental health, and the subtle changes are what catch people's eyes.

Anyway I don't know why I wrote this or what the point is but I'm just saying that sometimes one needs to make themselves feel beautiful because if you can't love yourself then no one will.

Love

To me, love is a choice.
Sure, you don't choose who you have feelings for but you choose how you react to them. If you react to them by shutting them away, trying your best to forget about them, then you aren't choosing love. It's simple. Feelings, crushes, etc are natural, but love is not a feeling. Love isn't something you hide away and disguise with friendship, feelings are what you hide away and disguise with friendship. Love isn't something that just goes away or changes unless you let it. You can't love someone without your consent, without trying to love them and understand them. It takes emotional and mental absorption and engagement. This is why I despise hearing the words "I love you." If you love me, show me. Don't tell me. Words mean nothing when you don't know what it means to love. When you tell me you love me, I should already know. You don't need to confess your love for it to be real, and you shouldn't have to feel like saying "I love you" is a huge step in a relationship. Love is a huge step in a relationship, but not the words "I love you."

Right now, in my life, I am choosing not to love. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I do. My heart flutters and I get nervous and there is a person who I feel like I could love if I let myself. But I'm just pushing past this and prioritizing other things. That doesn't mean I can't love, or am incapable of loving, but just that right now, I don't need love in my life. There are more important things to me. Maybe later in my lifetime I'll be looking for a romantic relationship, and will choose love then. But for right now, I'm not emotionally ready to truly love someone. So I choose not to.

oops

Sometimes I make no sense and I sound so freaking stupid and it's kind of frustrating so I just tell myself that I tried so it's okay

My Problem

I think people think that I'm selfish and don't really care about others but tbh my problem is that I think about how other people will feel or what they will think too often.

I'm not trying to make myself sound like a really good person or whatever, honestly I think it is a flaw of mine but I can't help it.

Even with the little things that happen, I think about how everyone else will feel as a result of something I'm doing and will probably change it if I think it will make someone feel uncomfortable or sad or upset or something. I change my mind about things often, and think to logically through situations which puts me in even worse ones.

Especially with relationships.

So for example this morning my grandpa asked how my boyfriend was and well, I don't have a boyfriend but part of me wanted to just go along with it so he wouldn't be embarrassed. Obviously that's not a good idea because then that would make me 1. a liar and 2. have to explain myself later resulting in further embarrassment for him.

Or with a guy, he might ask to give him a chance and I might be interested but I don't really want a long term relationship so I say sure and then I change my mind and I really don't want to be with him but instead of telling him that I'll lie and say "oh, it's not good timing" or "well it just isn't working" or I'll distance myself until he thinks I'm a total bitch and then gets mad at me so we break up or something like that because I don't want to be mean enough and say "I don't like you," or "I'm over you" or "I gave you a chance but I don't want to go further" or something like that which all sound so natural but I just cannot bring myself to say that so I concoct these huge excuses and lies that make me feel terrible and take forever to explain and the person ends up feeling just as hurt as they would've before except maybe even worse because then they think it's something they've done wrong but NO! I just have no idea what the fuck I am doing in my life and I didn't understand my feelings when I said "Sure let's go out"!!! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! This has happened at least four times and I am just ready to find someone I am 100% sure about. I mean I know relationships take work but sometimes it isn't worth it and I kind of just want to live for myself first but somehow I always find myself saying "ok let's try it" even though I KNOW I'm going to end it because I don't relaly want a relationshiP and OMFG I AM RAMBLING ON I'm sorry I'm done talking about my stupid boy problems anywAY

Things like that happen all the fucking time and I'm really trying to be better about them but it's hard.

Often, if I have a decision to make I don't think about what will make me happier but I think about who will be affected by both ends of the decision. If I do one thing, it's going to make these people upset or make them see me as a terrible person but on the other hand if I do the other option then these other people will hate me.

So sometimes I try to negotiate it, but that always ends up falling apart on me and I end up with both sides hating me for whatever reasons they have.

It sucks.

It even happens when it isn't me. If my brother says something offensive to someone else I feel the need to apologize and try to fix the situation somehow but then that might result in embarrassing him in some way or making him mad at me. I'm really bad at making the right choice. Or any choice.

This trip that I'm on right now...I don't have to be here. I could have had someone take me home so I could be with my friends and in the comfort of my own time but I thought it would be rude to leave my younger siblings with my grandparents and also it could offend them if I don't come. So here I am, going to the zoo and the old folks church because I'm trying to be respectful to my family.

It's like my entire life is spent in this complacency with my choices and I'm trying really hard to accept my situations and just deal with them. I can't think of the last time that I did something that went the way I wanted. But instead of putting my opinion out there or trying to make what I want happen, I suck it up and deal with the way things run. I don't know if it has contributed to my unhappiness or happiness but regardless, I don't think it's healthy.

I guess to sum up I'm the type of person who, when someone at the diner gets my order wrong, will just take what they give me, and even though it /was/ their mistake, I won't say anything because I don't want them to feel bad or have to do more work. Even if it means eating and paying for something that I hate terribly.

I'm way too aware of other people that I can't truly be MYSELF because I feel like I might offend someone. I want so badly to just be me and say what I want and do what I want and be the way I want to be but something is stopping me.

I really need to start making decisions based on what I truly WANT. For ME.

But I can't help considering all the people around me and how they will view me because of my choices.

Orientation, Day 1

If there is one thing that I have learned today, it is that making friends is not so easy.
I feel awkward talking to people I don't know and asking them generic questions about themselves. I feel like you can't become friends that way. There has to be some other sort of uniting factor or shared interest so you can have deeper conversations.
Honestly, I'm not liking this whole concept very much, because I am being forced to make friends with a roommate who I do not really care for, and a couple of people stuck in a group with me. It's like forced friendship. Not gonna happen for me.
Then again I'm probably just being bitter and cynical again like usual and need to suck it up and go meet people.

Doesn't help that I had less than an hour of sleep last night and only just now ate for the first time today. It's 5pm, btw.

Hungry and sleepy me is not a very happy me.

Favorite Songs

To be honest, I think the songs that will stick with me the longest are the ones I don't share with people. Those songs by unknown bands that you fell in love with for the music...not the band members or the influence from friends or its popularity but for the way it makes you feel. You don't have to explain yourself to other people about why you like these songs, or even tell people that theyre your favorite. And you may have other temporary favorites along the way but these songs are forever. I have a couple of songs like these and when I hear them, I feel most..myself.

Outside

Today, I spent a good deal of my day outside, where it was easily in the upper 90s, but with the humidity, it felt even hotter. Anyway, my initial motivation for spending time in the sun was to tan, which, if you know me, is nearly impossible, but I figure if I up the time I spend outdoors each day then slowly I will tan.

So I sat on a bench at a nearby park and kind of just read a book and watched the scenery and whatnot and I realized that being outdoors is really inspiring. It got me thinking about so many things that I've never considered and there was so much going through my mind at once but it wasn't overwhelming like usual- it was peaceful in a way, and felt like I was becoming more knowledgeable of the world just by observation.

I don't recall who but some man in history argued that observation was the key to learning and I'm starting to kind of agree.

Anyway I was going to put my headphones on and escape with the 1200 songs on my ipod to keep my mind busy but I ended up throwing away this idea because the sounds around me were just fine- not too distracting but not silent enough to drive me crazy. This got me thinking; these sounds are so simple and beautiful and so different from the electronics that we allow ourselves to obsess over nowadays and its interesting because if someone tried to reproduce these natural sounds like the sound of a car speeding by or a bird chirping or the grass flowing in the wind or the sound of water trickling, then it would be extremely annoying. Come to think of it, whenever songs or movies try to reproduce these songs I find that I get a huge headache or its just bothersome....

So that was one of my revelations: Sometimes the most natural things are the most calming, and you don't need an "escape from the world" to escape the world. Not sure if that makes much sense but it does to me so I'm going to leave it at that.

So as I was reading and thinking and appreciating these things, I noticed the people around me.
Honestly, I'm not much of a people person and I don't smile at people when they walk by me or whatever and I get extremely offended when people stare at me because I'm probably one of the most self conscious people I have met and idk that's just how it is.

But I noticed a certain man who was running on the circular half mile path around the park who I noticed was struggling greatly and looked tired as hell. He wasn't very fit, but in his workout shorts and oversized T-Shirt I could tell what his goal was. His back was sweaty and his posture was terrible like he had been running for days, and he often tripped over his feet and hung his head down in tire. Somehow I admired this man more than the two girls walking their dog with cute workout clothing on and perfect hair and tans and nice legs and whatnot... Because while they were gossiping and glaring at me like I was some sort of alien for reading or sitting on a bench for godsake or who knows what, this poor man was pushing himself over and over again to do another lap...another half mile...even though he was obviously dead tired.

There were other people there, of course, some running, some walking, some just admiring the lake or the park but to me, it was more interesting that a man, who could so easily give up and just stop, telling himself he's done enough for the day, could roll his eyes, take a deep breath and go another round. The beginning of the lap was probably the hardest, the way he knows he has an entire half mile left until he can take a drink, but it was probably the easiest too, being more shaded or whatnot, which really doesn't have anything to do with anything but I thought it was interesting that the most difficult time can also be the easiest.

I know I seem very creepy right now but I'm usually this observant so don't be surprised.

Anyway as I was leaving I looked at him across the park for one last time and turned away, and an interesting thought crossed my mind.

I will never see this person again. Isn't it strange how the people we encounter in our daily lives are most likely people who will only occupy a couple moments of our entire lives? We may see them a time or two again, but these people are as much a part of our lives as the grass we walk on, the roads we drive on, the air we breathe..they exist, we acknowledge them, but don't give them any real significance. But they are important. Without these little encounters like the one I had today, I wouldn't learn to observe, or appreciate the little things in life.

So I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even if it's a few minutes of your day, being outdoors or observing people or the world around you is so important. And more important is finding meaning in those little things. I find that the more meaning you find in the things that seem not to matter to you, the more you discover about life and yourself.

One last thought before I end this endless ramble of mine... Before I crawled back into the sauna of a car I was driving, I noticed a broken trashcan on the corner of the field. Above it, sitting on a pole, was a bird. I don't know why but this interested me. Right above the gross death of trash, thrown away, never to be used again, was something so alive and lively that it made me realize that life is a neverending cycle of life and death and these little things should be appreciated. Eh. That doesn't sound very profound; I apologize.

Alright, I think I am done.

Have a beautiful day, if you are reading this. And listen to The Script.

Feelings....

From now on, I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.
It seems like most people misinterpret the things I tell them and I come off as a total bitch...
Well now to avoid that I'm just not going to tell people things.

Also,
I think the fact that I want to love someone is starting to have adverse effects on me and I'm mistaking feelings of friendship for a crush. Should probably stop letting that happen to me.
Then again, maybe this time it's real, right?
Nah.

Lol.

Hanna

ramblings about things

I just want to read books and find someone to talk to about them and discuss and argue and learn and test each other and broaden my knowledge of the world...

Then I want to write beautiful things and have someone read them and criticize and help me improve and add their own wisdom to what I write so I can become more open minded...

And then I want to read others' writings and talk about what they love and try to appreciate what is important to them and have them lecture me on life and show me in detail the things they obsess about and why they do and me not understand it but just feeel their love for it and continue to learn...

And then I want to go places with someone and discuss things that are happening in the world and debate and observe things as they happen and study and take photos and just live in the world as it is...


I don't want to go to the movies, or play video games, or go bowling... I just want to talk.

I'm tired of these immature friendships where all we can find to do is talk about the other people around us and the silly drama that goes on in our daily lives that doesn't have any meaning at all in the world so we replace decent, worthwhile conversation with "fun"...

As Eleanor Roosevelt would say, "great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." I want to have a great mind.

Hanna

June 3rd

Today I tried a more difficult nail design than I am used to from cutepolish, and it came out decent :)

That's really all the good news I have...

Unfortunately today is another lazy day, probably because I am just so exhausted. It's really sad, because the people that I would love to keep in touch with and have formed a really good, honest relationship with are the people who will be furthest from me in the future and most difficult to keep in contact with. I wonder if that's just a test to see if we're really meant to be friends or not... Either way, I'm going to miss them immensely while I deal with having those people that I'm just tired of around.

Second, I've realized that almost every single thing that you do will be taken in the wrong way.

Don't text someone back: It's because you're purposely ignoring them.

Don't give someone the attention they think they deserve: It's because you don't care about them.

Act a certain way: It's most definitely because of some malicious hidden intentions of yours.

It's like no one in this entire world has any empathy or understanding left in them and only think of your actions and how they affect themselves. Maybe, just maybe, if once in awhile people tried to truly understand why you do the things you do, they would find that most of the time it has nothing to do with them.

혈... I think I've just proved to myself something I've been battling with...

Well, I'll work on that I guess.

But in all seriousness, don't react to something with just your suspicious assumptions...instead try to understand before you make any judgment.

In other news, I listened to EXO's new album and while I cannot say that I like the whole "Wolf" concept (at all btw) I do like the rest of their music and find it pretty good so props to them.

Also, I'm becoming more of a fan of American hip hop music and all that stupid shit, which is weird because besides being catchy there's nothing that great about it. I guess music is interesting because it grows on you; the more you listen to a certain type of music the more you inevitably fall in love with it...which makes music both mesmerizing and kind of scary.

Lastly,

I am thoroughly upset with myself because I have not dieted nor worked out in the past four days and it's definitely taken a toll on my mood and self worth so I need to head to the gym, if not tonight, then tomorrow! I also need to stop carelessly spending money; I bought three new nail polishes today which is worth the $6 but...I need to stop now!

Have a nice day if you're reading, which I doubt,

Hanna