Mornings

I am a firm believer in non-stressful mornings, and taking a small portion of the beginning of your day to eat and take your time getting ready before starting a busy day; I value my mornings so much that I would rather get up half an hour earlier than needed to have this down time to drink coffee and have a decent breakfast and not be rushing out the door than sleep that extra bit. It makes my day easier to handle and more enjoyable and keeps me awake and happy.

I definitely agree with the statement that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but only because taking the time to feed yourself and make sure you are prepared for the day is incredibly important to me. The days I wake up late I feel guilty and fatigued and usually unhappy for the rest of the day.

It didn't used to be like this but now I see the importance of this "me" time of mine to my life.

Anyway, I am going to vent here because I am selfish and want pity but no one around me will give me that if I vent to them so yeah, I'm a baby and would like, for just once, for someone to sympathize with me but whatever I have a blog so I can just complain on here for a bit and get it all out, hopefully so that I don't feel like shit the rest of the day.

This morning I woke up late and wasn't able to shower, which is fine for me if I have time to do other things but I literally did not have this time at all and I just kind of rushed to get ready and didn't eat enough and the worst part is that I didn't have coffee at all. This sounds so petty but my entire day is messed up if I don't have morning coffee, because I get headaches and I stay extremely tired all day and it's just not fun.

Anyway so I went to class but I didn't check the weather because I was in a hurry so I was soooo cold outside and had no idea I would've needed a jacket and I should've just brought one but how the hell was I supposed to know..the other day it was sooo warm so I didn't expect it to take a full 180 turn and be cold again...Anyway I kinda ran to class and literally could not stay awake in my first two classes. On top of that, I guess because I was already kind of feeling awkward being the only one in the streets without warmth it felt like people were staring at me which probably wasn't true but it seemed like it.

So yeah, then I went to get something to eat because I knew I needed coffee and a snack to get through the next class so I went to a bagel place and of course there were no seats inside so I had to sit outside and was again, cold as hell...and the coffee wasn't that good ugh but I felt better and went back inside to go to class and there were seats...I was like wtf right when I'm leaving people get up OK.

ANYway, the thing that bothers me is that the reason I was so tired this morning to sleep in is that I didn't go to sleep until like 3 last night and once I fell asleep I didn't stay asleep like I just didn't sleep well and it might have been because I woke up late YESTERDAY on account of I stayed up late the night before on my phone / playing games with the roomie. So I'm like...fuck...all of this because I was irresponsible?

I really think that lifestyle is a daily process, like you can't mess up or it screws more than you want up. I try really hard to be disciplined in this but sometimes I just can't help it or like, my roommate goes to sleep at like 4 am on the daily so I feel bad if she wants to do something but I'm being lame and going to sleep you know? But like at the same time I don't wanna be tired as shit all the time...

And like, sometimes it isn't on account of my being irresponsible..like the other day my roommate was playing music really loud? so I couldn't sleep, or kept waking up because of it and I feel bad like she should be able to do what she wants but I had to sleep so idk like am i right to be angry about that? or not..i have no clue tbh.

But yeah so I'm in a terrible mood right now and really don't want to go to my MIS class because that means I have to like...talk to people and be all social and stuff and ugh I'm not in the mood to do anything but sleep and watch shows and stuff but I have homework and a test Friday and I really want to be a good student this semester but I feel like no on is on my side; I don't have friends in my classes yet, still, and I don't know people in my major who I can study with so I'm literally alone with my motivation to study and some days, like today, I don't feel like I can inspire myself enough to study.

ANyway i will shut up now thank u for listening blog

I'm annoying lol

BYE

Choices

The Future

Sitting at Einstein Bros. Bagels and drinking a vanilla latte thinking about a lot of things all at once~

I have another test tomorrow and I'm almost at the point of giving up on everything but I know I won't because I'm too proud, and also too chicken...

I think about how in a lot of dramas, the girl's life is so hard but she still maintains good grades and a couple part time jobs and I wonder why the hell I can't do the same thing but then I realize it's because while I'm watching dramas other people are going out and getting shit done...

So I think, from now on I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to be one of those people and not spend money carelessly or on myself and I'm going to work out every day and I'm going to work and be social and get good grades and it's going to be wonderful...

But I don't...

Why don't I?

I think if you truly want something bad enough you'll go for it, right? I mean, I sit here and think about how badly I want something but I don't do anything about it. So does that mean I don't want it badly enough? Idk.

I think about how easy it would be to just...take my money and buy a plane ticket to anywhere....spend a few nights there...be alone..on my own...like I could do that you know? I'm 18...I'm allowed to do that...I don't even have to tell anyone. 
I am pretty sure I could efficiently make up a lie and just go do something outrageous on my own and no one would even know. But I won't.

But why? It sounds fun, it'd be an experience, a challenge...but I can probably say 100% that I won't do that. But I don't know why.

Like, I feel trapped by some...subconscious desire to be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend....despite the fact that I tell myself all the time to be spontaneous and focus on the things that I want to get out of life and not the things that other people expect of me, or the things that I know...

Honestly I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I have a dream like the next person but I know it's unattainable.....is that why I am not driven to do anything with myself?

I feel like I have become lazy in almost every aspect of my life...without inspiration or motivation...purely because of the fact that I deem things impossible from the start. Maybe that's why I don't do anything about the things that I want in life...it's not that I don't want them badly enough but it's because I don't have the faith in myself to accomplish them.

I want to impress myself, and show myself what I am capable of but I feel like there isn't much opportunity for this...HOW can I do this? How can I become the go-getter person that I used to be again?

I've been searching for years for the right inspiration..the right thing to really jump start myself back into my old way of thinking...but I just...haven't...found it....

And now I feel like it's too late....

I know that I'm the one hindering myself from accomplishing great things yet, I sit here and blame it on circumstance..convince myself that I'll do good things later....and remain unhappy...

How much longer will I continue to do this to myself...

Also, I hate Christmas music.

Pitiful

Sometimes I make myself out to be a really pitiful person instead of being strong or whatever in front of people even though in reality I am a lot more hardheaded and I don't actually pity myself like

I guess sometimes I just want people to feel sorry for me even though I don't really have a reason?

But like, at the same time it's like...
I don't need people to pity me, I'm totally fine handling my problems and shit on my own

So idk why I do it but instead of like, voicing my anger or whatever about things I turn it around and make it less about the things causing me pain and more about /me/ causing painful things to happen.

idk if any of that makes sense but it does to me/

Things I've realized about myself

This morning I realized I really didn't have anything to do today besides study and do homework, so I thought I would go find a nice place to sit and read on campus to do this. However, campus was a lot quieter than usual and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. Nonetheless I found a spot and tried to study and didn't really get a lot done because I was distracted by all the little things going on around me. I guess because things were for the most part kind of quiet, any movement or noise called my attention.

Anyway there was this huge tree that had been kind of dug up (?). Basically they cut a hole around it so you could see deeper into the tree than just the part coming up from the ground. I'm not sure why or how they did this or even who did this but it was kind of interesting to me because I didn't know that tree trunks extended so far deeper into the earth; I kind of assumed their roots were right below the surface or something but this tree's trunk was a lot longer and I wondered how far exactly it went into the earth before it became roots. Lately I've been assuming everything is metaphorical so I was thinking about it and it's kind of funny how sometimes things are a lot 'deeper' than we make them; problems are a lot worse than we think, there's a lot more to some people than we assume, things are not always as they seem I guess.

Anyway so this got me thinking about myself and what kind of a person I am on the outside, as opposed to what's "hidden underneath." I think on the outside I appear to be very vulnerable, gullible and kind of just a shy,  not very friendly person. But there's a lot more to me than that. I think even I have begun to think of myself as being this kind of person so much so that I have forgotten the true person I am.

I'm not vulnerable, rather, I try to accept the good in people and I try my hardest to make sure that I am not making someone uncomfortable or angry. I do my best to get on people's good sides. Is that me being vulnerable? I'm not sure. But I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter. Why do I need to give a name to a certain aspect of myself? Maybe instead of "gullible" I am just a person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe instead of me being someone who is "cynical" I am a person who tries to accept reality for what it is instead of getting my hopes up and finding disappointment?

It's kind of ironic that today, Lee Changsub tweeted a song recommendation, Tasha's "Black Happiness" because a lyric in that song goes, "You gotta be strong, you gotta hold on and love yourself." The whole song is talking about being ashamed of her skin color, or just being ashamed of who you are and her resolution is that you just have to "be strong and love yourself." I think that, along with my observation of the tree has made me realize that instead of profiling certain aspects of yourself and ignoring the truth behind them, instead of focusing on the aspects of yourself that other people can see and ignoring the aspects of yourself that really truly define you, we should be focusing on the aspects of ourselves that make us who we are, and make us a person that we can love. Because they say if you can't love yourself, no one will.

This kind of just proves how the little things that Changsub does have big impacts on my life and the way I view life itself, and also that nature is sometimes most honest.

Anyway, those are just things that have been floating through my head today so I thought I would write them down.

If you are reading this, listen to Tasha's song and LIVE IT!

Balance

I don't know whether to be one of those people who constantly puts themselves out there for their own betterment or to be modest and try to get somewhere on my own.

Because tbh I really hate attention whores and people who use everyone else so that they can achieve what they want. I really hate it when people constantly post pictures of themselves and are super friendly with everyone else just so that people will like them and to get their name out there...

but at the same time if i sit here and am modest about what i can do and don't put myself out there then it's going to be really freaking hard to get somewhere in life and I have no idea how I'm going to make connections and build friendships and whatnot.

I guess it's about balance, but I really don't even know how to find that.

I mean let's say I advertise myself on every social media possible and get a whole bunch of people to follow me and compliment me and whatever the hell they want. Does this mean I am genuinely good at what I do or am I just good at attracting people?

This is what I'm confused about.

I have a deep respect for people who make it on their own but then again I have to wonder how much more successful they'd be if they had advertised themselves more. At the same time it makes them more genuine to be self-made.

So I guess right now I'm in that stage where I really don't know what kind of persona to put on and whether or not I should use the internet to build relationships and gain 'followers' and whatnot or whatever.

Ugh. This is very difficult for me to understand.

Live for Yourself.

Lately I've had a lot of wisdom shared with me and I've learned a lot about life and loving people and being a respectful human being and it's made me have really complex thoughts that I don't even know if I quite understand.

I'm becoming more opinionated but I can't tell if these opinions are born from ignorance or if they're sound...so I don't know if I should share them or keep them to myself to avoid any possible embarrassment...and even if these opinions are 'sound' well...what does that even mean?

So they're acceptable by society...so what?

I don't need the acceptance of society or my friends and peers to be "right" or "wrong" do I? What's saying they are "right" and "wrong" anyway?

In the end, it's not them who will determine what was right and wrong, what was good and bad, what opinions were 'sound' and what thoughts were revolutionary.
I'm not a super religious person but I have my beliefs about what determines all of this, but who is saying that I'm right about even that? Science can explain many things but there is no way of testing and experimenting to find out what thoughts and opinions are morally correct, or what religion or belief is the truth. Really there is no way for any one human to know what exactly is "right" and what is the "truth" about anything. So why do we spend our lives trying to please other human beings?

Through typing all of this I'm kind of realizing the importance of living for yourself. No matter what you do, someone is going to disagree. Someone is going to disapprove. So instead of living to please others, or do what you think society wants you to, or what society thinks is 'right', do what /you/ think is right. Do what allows you to accomplish what you want to accomplish. Make your own goals and accomplish them. Exceed them. Go beyond your own limits, not those set upon you by people who won't matter in the grand scheme of your life. Ignore the people that tell you that you are doing something wrong. Make your own mistakes and learn from them.

Falling in LOVE

falling in love is kind of like music…

…the more you listen to it, the more you connect with it. You start to memorize the lyrics, the beat, the tune….you begin to associate it with certain areas of your life, it becomes a part of your memories, you use it to reminisce, it suits any mood you have, it cheers you up, brings you down, gets you excited, makes you feel every emotion humanly possible…it gets stuck in your head for hours and takes over your mind….


Anyway I just think that the more you try to truly understand a person, the same way we analyze, memorize and obsess over music, the easier it is to fall in love with them.

Outside

Today, I spent a good deal of my day outside, where it was easily in the upper 90s, but with the humidity, it felt even hotter. Anyway, my initial motivation for spending time in the sun was to tan, which, if you know me, is nearly impossible, but I figure if I up the time I spend outdoors each day then slowly I will tan.

So I sat on a bench at a nearby park and kind of just read a book and watched the scenery and whatnot and I realized that being outdoors is really inspiring. It got me thinking about so many things that I've never considered and there was so much going through my mind at once but it wasn't overwhelming like usual- it was peaceful in a way, and felt like I was becoming more knowledgeable of the world just by observation.

I don't recall who but some man in history argued that observation was the key to learning and I'm starting to kind of agree.

Anyway I was going to put my headphones on and escape with the 1200 songs on my ipod to keep my mind busy but I ended up throwing away this idea because the sounds around me were just fine- not too distracting but not silent enough to drive me crazy. This got me thinking; these sounds are so simple and beautiful and so different from the electronics that we allow ourselves to obsess over nowadays and its interesting because if someone tried to reproduce these natural sounds like the sound of a car speeding by or a bird chirping or the grass flowing in the wind or the sound of water trickling, then it would be extremely annoying. Come to think of it, whenever songs or movies try to reproduce these songs I find that I get a huge headache or its just bothersome....

So that was one of my revelations: Sometimes the most natural things are the most calming, and you don't need an "escape from the world" to escape the world. Not sure if that makes much sense but it does to me so I'm going to leave it at that.

So as I was reading and thinking and appreciating these things, I noticed the people around me.
Honestly, I'm not much of a people person and I don't smile at people when they walk by me or whatever and I get extremely offended when people stare at me because I'm probably one of the most self conscious people I have met and idk that's just how it is.

But I noticed a certain man who was running on the circular half mile path around the park who I noticed was struggling greatly and looked tired as hell. He wasn't very fit, but in his workout shorts and oversized T-Shirt I could tell what his goal was. His back was sweaty and his posture was terrible like he had been running for days, and he often tripped over his feet and hung his head down in tire. Somehow I admired this man more than the two girls walking their dog with cute workout clothing on and perfect hair and tans and nice legs and whatnot... Because while they were gossiping and glaring at me like I was some sort of alien for reading or sitting on a bench for godsake or who knows what, this poor man was pushing himself over and over again to do another lap...another half mile...even though he was obviously dead tired.

There were other people there, of course, some running, some walking, some just admiring the lake or the park but to me, it was more interesting that a man, who could so easily give up and just stop, telling himself he's done enough for the day, could roll his eyes, take a deep breath and go another round. The beginning of the lap was probably the hardest, the way he knows he has an entire half mile left until he can take a drink, but it was probably the easiest too, being more shaded or whatnot, which really doesn't have anything to do with anything but I thought it was interesting that the most difficult time can also be the easiest.

I know I seem very creepy right now but I'm usually this observant so don't be surprised.

Anyway as I was leaving I looked at him across the park for one last time and turned away, and an interesting thought crossed my mind.

I will never see this person again. Isn't it strange how the people we encounter in our daily lives are most likely people who will only occupy a couple moments of our entire lives? We may see them a time or two again, but these people are as much a part of our lives as the grass we walk on, the roads we drive on, the air we breathe..they exist, we acknowledge them, but don't give them any real significance. But they are important. Without these little encounters like the one I had today, I wouldn't learn to observe, or appreciate the little things in life.

So I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even if it's a few minutes of your day, being outdoors or observing people or the world around you is so important. And more important is finding meaning in those little things. I find that the more meaning you find in the things that seem not to matter to you, the more you discover about life and yourself.

One last thought before I end this endless ramble of mine... Before I crawled back into the sauna of a car I was driving, I noticed a broken trashcan on the corner of the field. Above it, sitting on a pole, was a bird. I don't know why but this interested me. Right above the gross death of trash, thrown away, never to be used again, was something so alive and lively that it made me realize that life is a neverending cycle of life and death and these little things should be appreciated. Eh. That doesn't sound very profound; I apologize.

Alright, I think I am done.

Have a beautiful day, if you are reading this. And listen to The Script.

Feelings....

From now on, I'm keeping my thoughts to myself.
It seems like most people misinterpret the things I tell them and I come off as a total bitch...
Well now to avoid that I'm just not going to tell people things.

Also,
I think the fact that I want to love someone is starting to have adverse effects on me and I'm mistaking feelings of friendship for a crush. Should probably stop letting that happen to me.
Then again, maybe this time it's real, right?
Nah.

Lol.

Hanna

ramblings about things

I just want to read books and find someone to talk to about them and discuss and argue and learn and test each other and broaden my knowledge of the world...

Then I want to write beautiful things and have someone read them and criticize and help me improve and add their own wisdom to what I write so I can become more open minded...

And then I want to read others' writings and talk about what they love and try to appreciate what is important to them and have them lecture me on life and show me in detail the things they obsess about and why they do and me not understand it but just feeel their love for it and continue to learn...

And then I want to go places with someone and discuss things that are happening in the world and debate and observe things as they happen and study and take photos and just live in the world as it is...


I don't want to go to the movies, or play video games, or go bowling... I just want to talk.

I'm tired of these immature friendships where all we can find to do is talk about the other people around us and the silly drama that goes on in our daily lives that doesn't have any meaning at all in the world so we replace decent, worthwhile conversation with "fun"...

As Eleanor Roosevelt would say, "great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." I want to have a great mind.

Hanna