Those Days

131125 Music Rec

idk I just like writing down songs I like when I think of them & hear them after a while you know

1. Bigbang - Top of the World
This used to be my all time favorite song until certain situations changed that buuut anyway this is still one of my favorite Bigbang songs...I especially love how fucking high Daesung can take his voice and still sound beautiful so yeah this is a really impressive and catchy song and it is very dear to my heart.

2. HITT - I'll Always Love You
When HITT debuted I fell in love with them and was extremely upset to find out that they broke up but this song is really pretty and adorable. Their cover of "Just the Way You Are" is also amazing buuut this is actually their song so yeah. Anyway I absolutely love this song because it's sweet & pretty & they have great vocals ^^

3. Matchbox Twenty - How Far We've Come
In junior high/early high school I really liked this song because it always came on during my gymnastics practices and would remind me that I need to go far in life to prove that living is worth it. I still really like this song because of the message it has, and also because it is so nostalgic for me.

4. LED Apple - With the Wind
This is a relatively new song but it's beautiful; Hanbyul's voice is irresistible & he shows off his vocals really well here. Not much else to say except I really like this song.

5. APeace - One
Talk about great vocals & harmonization...I love this song because it's beautiful and makes me feel peaceful. It came on shuffle the other day and I freaked out & felt all warm and fuzzy inside so I had to include it. Beautiful song. I wish APeace was given more attention. I love a lot of their songs but this one especially.

Dreams

Lately, my dreams have been extremely vivid and require extreme psychological investment and honestly I feel like they are taking a huge emotional toll on me. I wake up either crying or gasping or even it's to the point where I feel /bad/ for waking up like I feel like I've wronged the people in my dream by ending it if that makes any sense.

The other week I had a really terrible dream and while I don't really remember it now, the entire day I felt like I wasn't there...like everything felt so foreign and weird and it was like I wasn't even alive or moving or doing things at all it was the strangest thing.

I know I have strange sleep habits and have been known to talk in my sleep but it's getting kind of scary for me because sometimes I can't remember if things happened in a dream or in real life and I hate it soo much like I know that is kind of normal and happens to a lot of people but damn! I dream almost every night and they are always vivid and long and involve life changing decisions and I wake up feeling emotionally drained and I haven't even started the day.

I don't know if it is my lack of excitement in my life lately or what but something is causing me to have some pretty scary fucking dreams and it's freaking me out.


On another note, as for like "life dreams" and goals and shit, I'm kind of not exactly sure what mine are like...
Everyone has dreams that they know are unattainable and no matter how much you say "anything is possible" there are some things that just aren't going to happen with the resources you have but like
What is more important?
Like I have several 'dream jobs' or things I would love to do before I get too old to do them..like there are plenty of experiences I want to have before I graduate college and plenty of things I want to do but like, I know for a fact I can't do them so should I chase after the impossible or should I like, just stick with what I know I can do?

Honestly I hate studying and I really dislike school and if I were to have it my way I would drop out and get a job and save money to travel and shit but like that's just ridiculous.
And like /duh/ everyone dreams of going to Korea and studying abroad and shit but like how reasonable is it for me to assume that that is possible for me??? It probably won't happen....

Like idk I just feel like I'm not really going anywhere in life or doing anything that I really truly want to but at the same time I should be thankful just for the fact that I'm in a really good school and that I'm passing and shit but it's like that kind of stuff I honestly have lost interest in and I just want /other/ things for myself but that is selfish you know? IDK

I'm confused about a lot of things and it annoys me that I don't know who I am or what I want.

ohhh wellllll.

Life Update !!

This week has been a little strange but nonetheless kind of fun since I kept myself busy. I just worry about my diet; I haven't really had a real meal in a while so maybe tomorrow I will reverse that. We'll see. Anyway, Tuesday VIXX released their video and I was kind of freaking out about it all day and then I had a KUSA meeting where we watched Speedy Scandal which was a really funny adorable movie and I liked it and now I finally know where this gif came from laughs.

Wednesday I went to a friend's place to bake and it was kind of a fail; we used a pot instead of a bowl and then aluminum foil instead of a cookie sheet...Anyway the cookies didn't turn out that great but oh well. Then I went to a jazz concert for my friend because he couldn't go and it was for a grade or something so anyway I sat through that which was interesting and it made me slightly miss doing music but at the same time I feel like I made the right decision by giving it up, you know?

Thursday a girl in my class and I fangirlled a lot about VIXX and kpop and shit and it was nice..it's kinda funny how all of the friends that I make are because of kpop ^^ At first I felt really lame because of that but a friend of mine told me that people make friends because of similar interests and there is nothing wrong with that so I'm just going to own it and be proud of that aspect of me. Thennnn, I hung out with a friend and then studied for my Microeconomics midterm which was today, so I bought two Monsters (oops) and stayed up really late studying then woke up early to study again so I'm kind of tired.

It was SO COLD today like literally I was freezing my fucking ass off and I forgot an umbrella so I had to go to class all wet because it was raining and literally I was dripping wet onto my paper. So I made a point to go home and get an umbrella before my midterm and it was just a really bad test and I didn't even finish and I'm REALLY upset with myself about it but I'm trying not to think about it.

Anyway so then me and my friend decided to go catch a movie so we caught a bus that had a transfer except the bus we needed to transfer on was like...30 minutes late so we basically stood in the freezing rain for an hour waiting for it which was unpleasant. I felt really bad because this lady and her 2 year old child were waiting for us and not really wrapped in warm clothing and then they missed the bus when it finally came T T

Anyway we made our way to the mall and had some pretzels and then watched Thor which was pretty much good all because of Loki (criessss fangirllinggggg). Then we headed back and on the bus back this man was talking to us about super heroes and it was actually a super interesting experience because I was thinking about it and like, people are not scary at all I don't know why people get the notion that living in a big city needs to be scary and shit like all the people I see on the bus are really friendly and shit and I'm sure there are bad people too but like, why should I just assume that everyone is going to try to rob me or something like there's nothing wrong with being friendly and careful at the same time you know?

Like this guy was legit talking passionately and I mean /passionately/ about super heroes and his opinions and whatnot and like he pulled out a fucking copy of Iron Man from his backpack and I was like why does he keep that in there but like it was really funny and like I was having a normal human conversation with this stranger old man and it wasn't scary at all like he's just a person you know?

The more I experience people here in Austin the less afraid I am of people I mean there have been a few instances where I really was frightened but for the most part people are generally accepting and leave you alone even if they're initially kind of freaky.

The only time I've legit been scared was when some man downtown followed me around asking me if I wanted some of his cigarette like he legit followed us across the street and stuff and I was really freaked out but other than that I think I've handled the stranger thing pretty well like I talk to people and am respectful and I think that's a lot better than assuming theyre bad people and judging them.......

Idk like lately I've just been really angry when people judge people based on the way they live or act like I don't think anyone has the right to judge people because you don't know what they've gone through or what kind of situation they are in so what gives you the right to judge them like idk.

Lately it has been kind of a goal of mine to just smile at people I see even if they intimidate me because tbh I just find people really interesting like everyone is so /different/ it's crazy idK but yeah sometimes I smile at people and they look at me funny T T But then for some reason I get really embarrassed around people I know and look away so I'm confused why is it easier with strangers than other people ahahaha ok im rambling on

ANYway so now I am in my dorm and I might watch the MAMAs oorrr I might watch a drama or who knows what

That is all for now goodbye ~~~

Currently listening to: Mr. Mr. - Do You Feel Me

Pitiful

Sometimes I make myself out to be a really pitiful person instead of being strong or whatever in front of people even though in reality I am a lot more hardheaded and I don't actually pity myself like

I guess sometimes I just want people to feel sorry for me even though I don't really have a reason?

But like, at the same time it's like...
I don't need people to pity me, I'm totally fine handling my problems and shit on my own

So idk why I do it but instead of like, voicing my anger or whatever about things I turn it around and make it less about the things causing me pain and more about /me/ causing painful things to happen.

idk if any of that makes sense but it does to me/

Chubby Chubby~

Honestly sometimes I think I'm just destined to be chubby

I don't even like food that much
I like eating healthy and exercising tbh

But like
I'm so much chubbier now than I was a month ago and it sucks so much
like dammnn I need to start working out regularly again and not eating out
but then friends are like yo lets go eat and im like uhhh ok
and then like im about to go bake cookies for an event but like
you gotta try the ones you make ya know
damn it haha

131120 Music Rec

I haven't done one of these in awhile sooo~

1. Imagine Dragons - Every Night

"Searching to find myself, but all I find is you. I can hardly stand myself. So what am I to you?" Love this line! Wonderful song on a wonderful album.

2. Jade Valerie & Brian Joo - Don't Tell Me I'm Wrong

One of my all time favorite songs. I love their combination of voices and I feel the lyrics are easy to connect with.

3. VIXX - Only U

Of course I have to include a VIXX song... This was released the day before I saw them and since then I've been listening to it nonstop it's a really, really great song and the video is aesthetically wonderful. VIXX definitely fits any concept they're given haha.

4. Jaejoong - 빛

Currently my favorite song, especially to listen to on my way to class. I especially love the rock feel and I feel like it suits Jaejoong extremely well. This whole album is amazing!

5. Untouchable - Only You

Huge fan of Untouchable & especially this song! Lately it's been one of my favorites to listen to before I go to sleep. Very sweet and beautiful~