Sick or Something

This morning I woke up with the worst throat ache and feeling very exhausted...but being behind in school at the moment I went out to study and realized I really didn't feel well...everything outside is so bright and my head feels all spinny so I bought some soup and preventative medicine along with some throat pills and cough drops and I am hoping that if I drink some tea and eat soup and take this medicine I will not catch a cold for real...I can feel it starting to happen so I'm worried that I am too late but we'll see.

Anyway, I did make another blog for kpop related stuff which is hannadulset.blogspot.com
i know, i'm so clever right~

Anndd on top of that today doesn't seem so interesting aside from homework and whatnot I don't know what I'll be doing but yeah ok bye

Mornings

I am a firm believer in non-stressful mornings, and taking a small portion of the beginning of your day to eat and take your time getting ready before starting a busy day; I value my mornings so much that I would rather get up half an hour earlier than needed to have this down time to drink coffee and have a decent breakfast and not be rushing out the door than sleep that extra bit. It makes my day easier to handle and more enjoyable and keeps me awake and happy.

I definitely agree with the statement that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but only because taking the time to feed yourself and make sure you are prepared for the day is incredibly important to me. The days I wake up late I feel guilty and fatigued and usually unhappy for the rest of the day.

It didn't used to be like this but now I see the importance of this "me" time of mine to my life.

Anyway, I am going to vent here because I am selfish and want pity but no one around me will give me that if I vent to them so yeah, I'm a baby and would like, for just once, for someone to sympathize with me but whatever I have a blog so I can just complain on here for a bit and get it all out, hopefully so that I don't feel like shit the rest of the day.

This morning I woke up late and wasn't able to shower, which is fine for me if I have time to do other things but I literally did not have this time at all and I just kind of rushed to get ready and didn't eat enough and the worst part is that I didn't have coffee at all. This sounds so petty but my entire day is messed up if I don't have morning coffee, because I get headaches and I stay extremely tired all day and it's just not fun.

Anyway so I went to class but I didn't check the weather because I was in a hurry so I was soooo cold outside and had no idea I would've needed a jacket and I should've just brought one but how the hell was I supposed to know..the other day it was sooo warm so I didn't expect it to take a full 180 turn and be cold again...Anyway I kinda ran to class and literally could not stay awake in my first two classes. On top of that, I guess because I was already kind of feeling awkward being the only one in the streets without warmth it felt like people were staring at me which probably wasn't true but it seemed like it.

So yeah, then I went to get something to eat because I knew I needed coffee and a snack to get through the next class so I went to a bagel place and of course there were no seats inside so I had to sit outside and was again, cold as hell...and the coffee wasn't that good ugh but I felt better and went back inside to go to class and there were seats...I was like wtf right when I'm leaving people get up OK.

ANYway, the thing that bothers me is that the reason I was so tired this morning to sleep in is that I didn't go to sleep until like 3 last night and once I fell asleep I didn't stay asleep like I just didn't sleep well and it might have been because I woke up late YESTERDAY on account of I stayed up late the night before on my phone / playing games with the roomie. So I'm like...fuck...all of this because I was irresponsible?

I really think that lifestyle is a daily process, like you can't mess up or it screws more than you want up. I try really hard to be disciplined in this but sometimes I just can't help it or like, my roommate goes to sleep at like 4 am on the daily so I feel bad if she wants to do something but I'm being lame and going to sleep you know? But like at the same time I don't wanna be tired as shit all the time...

And like, sometimes it isn't on account of my being irresponsible..like the other day my roommate was playing music really loud? so I couldn't sleep, or kept waking up because of it and I feel bad like she should be able to do what she wants but I had to sleep so idk like am i right to be angry about that? or not..i have no clue tbh.

But yeah so I'm in a terrible mood right now and really don't want to go to my MIS class because that means I have to like...talk to people and be all social and stuff and ugh I'm not in the mood to do anything but sleep and watch shows and stuff but I have homework and a test Friday and I really want to be a good student this semester but I feel like no on is on my side; I don't have friends in my classes yet, still, and I don't know people in my major who I can study with so I'm literally alone with my motivation to study and some days, like today, I don't feel like I can inspire myself enough to study.

ANyway i will shut up now thank u for listening blog

I'm annoying lol

BYE

140127 Life Update

Delay in Updates

So...I desperately want to post things on here but due to an unfortunate incident regarding my laptop I am unable to for the time being...I have a lot of music recs and rants and stuff to talk about but it will have to wait a couple more days until I get my laptop back! It is too difficult to post via mobile because I like to format things.
Anyway, idk who actually misses my posts but only a few morr days and I will be back.

Blogging

I read through a couple of my posts and I can easily see how I would seem like a completely depressing person and who knows maybe I am but I like to think im just realistic

But anyway yeah I am actually pretty optimistic because I think blogging gets out all the negative energy and such so in every day life im not as dramatic.

Anyway I just watched btob's sik sense season 2 ep 4 and 5 again and ahhh changsubs the cutest I swear
Not going to elaborate bc ill never stop if I do but he really is the sweetest thing.

They sang rising sun and damn that song is so good even today like wow still jamming to tht tbh

My cat is sleeping on my feet and I am sleeping on the couch in the living room bc every other place to sleep is taken bc of my huge ass family...

Its not very comfortable but I can deal.

Good night! Probably going to do a song rec tomorrow.

Life Update Sort of

finished finals

arrived in KTX last night

Don't want to talk about finals to anyone don't want to talk about my semester don't want to 'catch up' with people tbh but at the same time i do want to hang out but whatever we'll see how this all goes

kinda feeling lazy

what a fucking surprise

peace

Finals

To be honest today I don't even feel like a human being...
I haven't brushed my hair all day, and instead threw it into a very messy bun that would have fallen out a couple times were it not for the saving grace of a couple bobby pins I found laying around, I've been eating gold fish and drinking Starbucks Double Shot energy drinks and Arizona tea, I'm not wearing any makeup and have begin to break out, and sure I showered but changed right back into my pajamas and have been sitting at my desk studying for the entire day.
Yet, I don't feel like I have gotten anything done...like, I don't feel any more prepared than I did twelve hours ago, which is the most sad part.

Alright, study break over. Peace.

Stressed af

My grades are going to be terrible...
I'm sooo stressed and I'm so alone...everyone else has people to study with but my friends aren't in any of my classes....I'm just....I want to cry....

Image v Self Image

I absolutely hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight.
Do you honestly think I want to lose weight because I care what you think of my body? Hell no, it's because I want to feel comfortable with my own body. I honestly find it completely rude when other people think they can judge your decisions on what to eat, how much to eat, what diet you're on, how often you work out, how you workout, etc because all of those things involve personal decisions and making yourself feel good and it has nothing to do with other people. Don't judge me because I'm uncomfortable with my body, you have no right. I don't give a shit if every person in the whole goddamn world thinks I'm attractive, if I want to lose weight I'm going to do it.
There's nothing wrong with self-improvement and setting goals and such when related to food and exercise gives you something to feel accomplished about. Lately, I have been missing this sense of accomplishment that I used to have through other things. So why the hell can't I want to work out? It isn't because I'm conforming to society's judgment of beautiful, nor is it because I want to impress other people. I want to get fit and see progress and complete daily goals and weekly goals and monthly goals and feel proud of myself for them. I want to show myself that I can do it, so I can be confident in myself and comfortable with my body, regardless of what it looks like. Even if I look the same to other people, the fact that I put in effort and time into taking care of myself makes me look better to ME.
So fuck all those people who think they're doing you a favor by telling you that you're pretty anyway and don't need to work out. They make me feel guilty for wanting to, and that's pretty fucking messed up. I shouldn't have to feel judged for my decision to work out or not. No one has that right except me.

Morning Thoughts

Good morning
I have two tests today so while I want desperately to take a shower and paint my nails and go to my last KUSA meeting and sleep I'm up, studying and will be for today's entirety. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm even in school but it's ok
I ordered a GRANDE Chai tea latte, not a tall in a bigger cup but i guess that's just capitalism for you??
Uhh I want to post a November favorites buuut no time??
I also want to gif Changsub but that'll also have to wait...
uuuh I want a bagel
Anyway music is very relaxing~~~ I recommend Demons by Imagine Dragons ~

Thanksgiving

Uh quick Thanksgiving update...
I ate a lot and really need to start working out again because I've been unhappy with this body for like, years now but my ~issues~ keep coming back and idk that's just an excuse tbh I'm actually just really lazy but anyway!

My sister is having a baby boy and she is going to name him Alexander, Xander for short. I kind of wanted this name for my own child but that isn't happening any time soon so it's fine. Meanwhile I follow Third Wave Xander on Instagram so it's kinda funny but anyway

her husband and his brother are also here and for the last two nights I have slept on the floor of my younger sister's room which isn't so bad until the morning when my back kind of hurts but it's fine. I might sleep on the chair today or maybe the sofa but the cats use the sofa to sleep and I don't want to disrupt them.

Anyway I went black Friday shopping and got yoga pants but I really want some boots but they were all sold out wahhh. Hopefully I'll find some cheap ones soon.

Being back here is weird because, particularly in this room, I spent so much time upset or sick or bothered in the past few years here and it seems strange that the world has moved on since then.

But yeah, Thanksgiving was good food was yummy and family is nice.

Good night. (jk its like 2 but im gna watch more kdramas)

Dreams

Lately, my dreams have been extremely vivid and require extreme psychological investment and honestly I feel like they are taking a huge emotional toll on me. I wake up either crying or gasping or even it's to the point where I feel /bad/ for waking up like I feel like I've wronged the people in my dream by ending it if that makes any sense.

The other week I had a really terrible dream and while I don't really remember it now, the entire day I felt like I wasn't there...like everything felt so foreign and weird and it was like I wasn't even alive or moving or doing things at all it was the strangest thing.

I know I have strange sleep habits and have been known to talk in my sleep but it's getting kind of scary for me because sometimes I can't remember if things happened in a dream or in real life and I hate it soo much like I know that is kind of normal and happens to a lot of people but damn! I dream almost every night and they are always vivid and long and involve life changing decisions and I wake up feeling emotionally drained and I haven't even started the day.

I don't know if it is my lack of excitement in my life lately or what but something is causing me to have some pretty scary fucking dreams and it's freaking me out.


On another note, as for like "life dreams" and goals and shit, I'm kind of not exactly sure what mine are like...
Everyone has dreams that they know are unattainable and no matter how much you say "anything is possible" there are some things that just aren't going to happen with the resources you have but like
What is more important?
Like I have several 'dream jobs' or things I would love to do before I get too old to do them..like there are plenty of experiences I want to have before I graduate college and plenty of things I want to do but like, I know for a fact I can't do them so should I chase after the impossible or should I like, just stick with what I know I can do?

Honestly I hate studying and I really dislike school and if I were to have it my way I would drop out and get a job and save money to travel and shit but like that's just ridiculous.
And like /duh/ everyone dreams of going to Korea and studying abroad and shit but like how reasonable is it for me to assume that that is possible for me??? It probably won't happen....

Like idk I just feel like I'm not really going anywhere in life or doing anything that I really truly want to but at the same time I should be thankful just for the fact that I'm in a really good school and that I'm passing and shit but it's like that kind of stuff I honestly have lost interest in and I just want /other/ things for myself but that is selfish you know? IDK

I'm confused about a lot of things and it annoys me that I don't know who I am or what I want.

ohhh wellllll.

Life Update !!

This week has been a little strange but nonetheless kind of fun since I kept myself busy. I just worry about my diet; I haven't really had a real meal in a while so maybe tomorrow I will reverse that. We'll see. Anyway, Tuesday VIXX released their video and I was kind of freaking out about it all day and then I had a KUSA meeting where we watched Speedy Scandal which was a really funny adorable movie and I liked it and now I finally know where this gif came from laughs.

Wednesday I went to a friend's place to bake and it was kind of a fail; we used a pot instead of a bowl and then aluminum foil instead of a cookie sheet...Anyway the cookies didn't turn out that great but oh well. Then I went to a jazz concert for my friend because he couldn't go and it was for a grade or something so anyway I sat through that which was interesting and it made me slightly miss doing music but at the same time I feel like I made the right decision by giving it up, you know?

Thursday a girl in my class and I fangirlled a lot about VIXX and kpop and shit and it was nice..it's kinda funny how all of the friends that I make are because of kpop ^^ At first I felt really lame because of that but a friend of mine told me that people make friends because of similar interests and there is nothing wrong with that so I'm just going to own it and be proud of that aspect of me. Thennnn, I hung out with a friend and then studied for my Microeconomics midterm which was today, so I bought two Monsters (oops) and stayed up really late studying then woke up early to study again so I'm kind of tired.

It was SO COLD today like literally I was freezing my fucking ass off and I forgot an umbrella so I had to go to class all wet because it was raining and literally I was dripping wet onto my paper. So I made a point to go home and get an umbrella before my midterm and it was just a really bad test and I didn't even finish and I'm REALLY upset with myself about it but I'm trying not to think about it.

Anyway so then me and my friend decided to go catch a movie so we caught a bus that had a transfer except the bus we needed to transfer on was like...30 minutes late so we basically stood in the freezing rain for an hour waiting for it which was unpleasant. I felt really bad because this lady and her 2 year old child were waiting for us and not really wrapped in warm clothing and then they missed the bus when it finally came T T

Anyway we made our way to the mall and had some pretzels and then watched Thor which was pretty much good all because of Loki (criessss fangirllinggggg). Then we headed back and on the bus back this man was talking to us about super heroes and it was actually a super interesting experience because I was thinking about it and like, people are not scary at all I don't know why people get the notion that living in a big city needs to be scary and shit like all the people I see on the bus are really friendly and shit and I'm sure there are bad people too but like, why should I just assume that everyone is going to try to rob me or something like there's nothing wrong with being friendly and careful at the same time you know?

Like this guy was legit talking passionately and I mean /passionately/ about super heroes and his opinions and whatnot and like he pulled out a fucking copy of Iron Man from his backpack and I was like why does he keep that in there but like it was really funny and like I was having a normal human conversation with this stranger old man and it wasn't scary at all like he's just a person you know?

The more I experience people here in Austin the less afraid I am of people I mean there have been a few instances where I really was frightened but for the most part people are generally accepting and leave you alone even if they're initially kind of freaky.

The only time I've legit been scared was when some man downtown followed me around asking me if I wanted some of his cigarette like he legit followed us across the street and stuff and I was really freaked out but other than that I think I've handled the stranger thing pretty well like I talk to people and am respectful and I think that's a lot better than assuming theyre bad people and judging them.......

Idk like lately I've just been really angry when people judge people based on the way they live or act like I don't think anyone has the right to judge people because you don't know what they've gone through or what kind of situation they are in so what gives you the right to judge them like idk.

Lately it has been kind of a goal of mine to just smile at people I see even if they intimidate me because tbh I just find people really interesting like everyone is so /different/ it's crazy idK but yeah sometimes I smile at people and they look at me funny T T But then for some reason I get really embarrassed around people I know and look away so I'm confused why is it easier with strangers than other people ahahaha ok im rambling on

ANYway so now I am in my dorm and I might watch the MAMAs oorrr I might watch a drama or who knows what

That is all for now goodbye ~~~

Currently listening to: Mr. Mr. - Do You Feel Me

Bragging

Lately I haven't really been doing as well as I want to in school and it's been extremely disappointing and depressing but today I received my test score for my first microeconomics midterm and I did a lot better than the average. I was kind of worried because I didn't study as well for this exam than the initial exam but I didn't do that much worse!

The first test I made 27/30 and this one I did 25/30 so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for understanding the material. It's the one class I feel comfortable in so I thought I would just brag a bit ^^ I hate an A hehe yay.

Next semester I am finally moving on from the "basic" requirements of all university students and on to the lower level Business courses and I am sooo excited to finnaalllly be taking classes about things I like ^^ No more science, no more Calculus, no more history save one art history class I'm taking to fulfill a core requirement but oh my god then I am done and moving on to better things.

I think you know you're in the right major when you're excited about your schedule.

My roommate is taking like 5 science courses and that sounds terrible to me but she's like uber excited. That's what I love about college, the fact that there's something for everyone and everyone can finally pursue the things that they love and are good at. I'm hoping that from here on out I will be doing things that I like to do.

I am considering joining a gymnastics club here; I know it's been forever since I did any sort of athletic club but I want to sooo badly. I'm hoping there is a tumbling class or something and I'm going to seek one out for next semester.

Also, I decided I am going to try and join a whole bunch of cultural groups next semester, because if I am going to be a good, successful businessperson I want to be open minded and try and understand different cultures other than my own and Korean culture. Lately I have been drawn to Japanese culture and I considered taking Japanese but they aren't offering it this semester and that's a lot of hours that I would rather fill with other more relevant classes anyway but anyway the point is that I want to try and expand my repertoire of knowledge of other cultures.

Also, I am considering International Business as my major and though I'm not completely sure I think this will be the route I take. I might double major and do something else too but I haven't decided.

A friend told me I would make a good lawyer because I have good reasoning skills and am logical ((cough unemotional cough)) and I thought that was kind of funny. It's true in a way but I would never consider law just because I don't feel like the system is really all that fair. Who am I to judge...

Ok, that wraps up my life post.

If you're reading this, don't be defeated from yourself!

- H M J

Wow

I am beyond lonely lately.
I'm really feeling the effects of my awkward personality thing I got going on...
making friends is hard as fuck and no one seems to like me
sooooooo time to just not give a shitt!!

Update~

It's been awhile but I've been kind of busy lately.
Honestly what I have learned in the past few days is that being myself is a lot harder than I thought. Maybe it's because I don't really know who I am but I just don't know how to act around people I am meeting for the first time. I'm shy around them, like to the point of embarrassment and I say really dumb things and don't think but then when I'm around people for a couple more times I'm totally fine. I think that first impression is important when making friends, especially here, and I just don't have a good one.
I'm really hoping I can find a group of people to hang out with because right now I'm just alone and bored a lot of the time and I feel like I should go do things but the only things that people have invited me to have involved drinking. I just hope that people will want to be my friend despite the fact that I don't party and drink and whatnot.

Oh well whatever.

In other news I am starting to feel sick again and I really hope it isn't what it used to be because that was not fun. I'm starting to feel depressed again which means it's probably back but I really hope that isn't the case. I think I just need to distract myself because I don't want to go down the same road I did in high school because that was just a huge mess and I hated it. I wish things were easier. I just wish I was a personable person who would make friends easily but I'm not.

I guess I have to deal with that.

atm

I don't want to talk to anyone

I don't want to do my homework / study

I don't want to watch kdramas

I don't want to go anywhere

I don't want to sleep

I don't want to eat

I don't want to read or write

I don't want to tumblr

I don't want to twitter

I don't want to watch videos

I don't want to do anything

Even the things that sound fun to me usually sound boring and annoying right now.

Today is an annoying day

First of all I have nothing against Art History majors and I have nothing against people who like to take pride in what they love but there is a limit for God's sake.

Today in my Art Criticism class we were talking about the ethics of art and how an unethical piece of art is one that evokes an unethical response, and how it can portray something unethical but if what it says about this unethical thing is that it is wrong then the art itself is ethical. So, this one girl feels the need to show off her knowledge of art and starts talking about how one 'unethical' piece of art was still appreciated by her and how it was portraying something horrible but she still thought of it as a beautiful piece of artwork.
And it sounded all smart and all ~*~WOW IMPRESSIVE~*~ but like what she was arguing was that art can be appreciated despite being morally right, which wasn't even what we were talking about.
I was so annoyed because 1. Everyone was impressed with her despite her argument having nothing to do with the topic of discussion and 2. She is still going to think she's right because little assholes like me aren't mean enough to speak up and argue against it.

I guess in a sense I'm annoyed with myself because I tend to say what people want to hear and I'm tired of it? I want to just be able to say my opinion without worrying about offending people because people don't fucking worry about offending me like shiT TODAY I HAVE BEEN OFFENDED MANY TIMES IDK.

ANyway,

I'm just a stupid girl who knows nothing so whatevs. 

WHY

Why is it that when I am insulted, I don't get offended or mad at them but instead I feel like I am wrong for being that certain way that allows them to insult me.
Like, for example
Person A says something bad about people who like philosophy
I like philosophy
so instead of defending myself or defending philosophy to Person A and arguing against it
I feel bad for liking philosophy
so I stay quiet and hope that if they find out that I like philosophy that they won't feel bad for saying something mean.

It's like instead of feeling bad that I was insulted I feel bad because if they find out they insulted me they will feel bad.

I DONT KNOW ITS JUST CONFUSING

And it makes it hard for me to be a person with feelings and opinions

Party on the Plaza

This morning I was just casually walking to class when suddenly, on one of the main streets on campus, I notice hundreds of tents and booths and a huge swarm of people literally everywhere. Turns out today is that day where organizations give you free stuff to try and get you to join or whatever.

So I went to class and then went around to some of these booths and whatnot looking for something interesting to join and I came across a Korean club booth and at first I was wondering if this was a "Koreans only" kind of thing but I asked anyway and they seemed kind of happy that I asked and were like, "Of course not! You can join! Come to our meeting you get free Korean food!" and whatnot so I signed my name or whatever but turns out this meeting is during my online class so I'm going to have to let the class run while I'm at the meeting or something idk.

Then I was given free "Honest ade super fruit punch" juice/tea and it was amazzzinggg. Then I won a free large tshirt, a frisbee and a really nice waterbottle so I'm very pleased that I decided to look around even though it was craziness and like a million degrees outside!

I sweat so much I thought I was going to look kind of terrible for my next class but I just felt gross that was all.

Then in my next class I found a girl who I've sat by three times now so I think maybe I can try to be her friend! I'm shy and awkward about these things so I'm hoping she doesn't see this side of me yet haha.

Now I'm just kind of chilling in my dorm; I painted my nails which I haven't done in forever so it was nice I guess. And now I'm going to /maybe/ study but the thing about today is that I'm supposed to be excited and spazzing about BTOB's comeback stage but I haven't reached that point yet, like I don't know if I'm ready for them to come back because it requires a lot on my part and..idk.

Oh well anyway hopefully the rest of the day will be exciting!