Marry Him If You Dare Ending Thoughts

[SPOILER ALERT]

Stressed af

My grades are going to be terrible...
I'm sooo stressed and I'm so alone...everyone else has people to study with but my friends aren't in any of my classes....I'm just....I want to cry....

Food

For some reason every time I eat meat, or like a real meal instead of just snacks and things my stomach starts getting churny and it flips and does weird things and it feels like I need to throw up or something like that and it makes noises and stuff and it's gross and I feel embarrassed because it's literally after every time I eat and I don't understand why...it's been like this for like a couple years and I used to think it was just because I was having anxiety issues but even like, in the comfort of my dorm I'm just like..I feel disgusting after eating....I know I should eat but when I do it's like discomfort for hours and I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything so I feel like I shouldn't and ugH it's frustrating and idek why this is like a paragraph it was supposed to be one sentence goodbye

Angry Hanna

This summer I have spent a majority of my time taking care of my younger siblings or staying home because my family wants me to. My parents even gave me a 10:00 curfew and I have been good about it since.

I love my family and don't get me wrong I'm glad that I have the privilege to see them and spend time with them but to be honest I'm tired of the mental, physical and emotional toll it takes on me.

"When do you move in?" "Have you paid your tuition?" "When is your rent due?" "Have they given you a room yet?" "Hanna can you play with me?" "Hanna let's watch an anime tonight" "Hanna, can I sleep in your room tonight?" "Hanna can you drive me here?" "Hanna can you buy me a candy?" "Where is this?" "Where is that?" "Can you help me find something?" "Have you seen the cat?" "Where are the programs?" "Where do I sit?" "What do I do with this?" "Where should I put this?" "Are you excited for school?" "I'll leave this to you since I don't know what to do about it" "I'm so glad you're here to take care of this"

Right now, all I want is a break. I want to go get coffee with a friend and not think about all this stuff but noooo, I have to be the responsible one while my parents go on a nice vacation together. This means I have to take care of my younger siblings yet again.

I just did this two weeks ago in Kansas for ten days.

Then I did this when we came home and my parents worked for a while.

And then for my sister's wedding, I handled like eight people asking me where the god damn programs were and I'm just really tired.

I don't know everything and I don't have to take care of everything. I don't want to and I am not responsible enough to do it.

I'm sorry I'm not interested in hearing about your life right now, or answering all your curiosities about mine but please let me relax. I haven't had an opportunity to have fun for myself all summer.

I think maybe I deserve it? 

insecure

It's so hard to be happy with who I am.
I know everyone has imperfections but to me, other people's imperfections make them beautiful...while my own...make me undesirable.
When I see pictures of myself, I cringe...and can almost feel the disgust I'm sure other people feel.

I wish I had confidence in who I am,
but I'm sure that won't happen unless I become skinnier, more beautiful, and more fashionable.

Ha.

Hanna