My Problem

I think people think that I'm selfish and don't really care about others but tbh my problem is that I think about how other people will feel or what they will think too often.

I'm not trying to make myself sound like a really good person or whatever, honestly I think it is a flaw of mine but I can't help it.

Even with the little things that happen, I think about how everyone else will feel as a result of something I'm doing and will probably change it if I think it will make someone feel uncomfortable or sad or upset or something. I change my mind about things often, and think to logically through situations which puts me in even worse ones.

Especially with relationships.

So for example this morning my grandpa asked how my boyfriend was and well, I don't have a boyfriend but part of me wanted to just go along with it so he wouldn't be embarrassed. Obviously that's not a good idea because then that would make me 1. a liar and 2. have to explain myself later resulting in further embarrassment for him.

Or with a guy, he might ask to give him a chance and I might be interested but I don't really want a long term relationship so I say sure and then I change my mind and I really don't want to be with him but instead of telling him that I'll lie and say "oh, it's not good timing" or "well it just isn't working" or I'll distance myself until he thinks I'm a total bitch and then gets mad at me so we break up or something like that because I don't want to be mean enough and say "I don't like you," or "I'm over you" or "I gave you a chance but I don't want to go further" or something like that which all sound so natural but I just cannot bring myself to say that so I concoct these huge excuses and lies that make me feel terrible and take forever to explain and the person ends up feeling just as hurt as they would've before except maybe even worse because then they think it's something they've done wrong but NO! I just have no idea what the fuck I am doing in my life and I didn't understand my feelings when I said "Sure let's go out"!!! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! This has happened at least four times and I am just ready to find someone I am 100% sure about. I mean I know relationships take work but sometimes it isn't worth it and I kind of just want to live for myself first but somehow I always find myself saying "ok let's try it" even though I KNOW I'm going to end it because I don't relaly want a relationshiP and OMFG I AM RAMBLING ON I'm sorry I'm done talking about my stupid boy problems anywAY

Things like that happen all the fucking time and I'm really trying to be better about them but it's hard.

Often, if I have a decision to make I don't think about what will make me happier but I think about who will be affected by both ends of the decision. If I do one thing, it's going to make these people upset or make them see me as a terrible person but on the other hand if I do the other option then these other people will hate me.

So sometimes I try to negotiate it, but that always ends up falling apart on me and I end up with both sides hating me for whatever reasons they have.

It sucks.

It even happens when it isn't me. If my brother says something offensive to someone else I feel the need to apologize and try to fix the situation somehow but then that might result in embarrassing him in some way or making him mad at me. I'm really bad at making the right choice. Or any choice.

This trip that I'm on right now...I don't have to be here. I could have had someone take me home so I could be with my friends and in the comfort of my own time but I thought it would be rude to leave my younger siblings with my grandparents and also it could offend them if I don't come. So here I am, going to the zoo and the old folks church because I'm trying to be respectful to my family.

It's like my entire life is spent in this complacency with my choices and I'm trying really hard to accept my situations and just deal with them. I can't think of the last time that I did something that went the way I wanted. But instead of putting my opinion out there or trying to make what I want happen, I suck it up and deal with the way things run. I don't know if it has contributed to my unhappiness or happiness but regardless, I don't think it's healthy.

I guess to sum up I'm the type of person who, when someone at the diner gets my order wrong, will just take what they give me, and even though it /was/ their mistake, I won't say anything because I don't want them to feel bad or have to do more work. Even if it means eating and paying for something that I hate terribly.

I'm way too aware of other people that I can't truly be MYSELF because I feel like I might offend someone. I want so badly to just be me and say what I want and do what I want and be the way I want to be but something is stopping me.

I really need to start making decisions based on what I truly WANT. For ME.

But I can't help considering all the people around me and how they will view me because of my choices.

Hanna's Life Tip #1

When you're unbearably hungry, do not eat fast food or unhealthy snack food. You will overeat and then feel like shit afterward.

You'll feel better if you take the time to cook yourself a healthy and nicely sized meal, one that doesn't fill you to the brim but satisfies your hunger.

Where in the world am I?

At the moment, I am in Kansas visiting my grandparents...and let me tell you, things are different over here.

It makes me kind of nervous to be here because I am constantly afraid that I will be judged by saying certain things or doing certain things that may be disapproved of. Thankfully, my laptop is kind of a saving grace and my comfort.

I haven't been home in a week, and I quite enjoy being gone; for the first time in years I have literally not wanted to go back. And I don't. Why? I'm not really sure. It might be that I am starting to develop an ability to make any place my home. I think you can really make anywhere feel like home or at least comfortable if you try to, and put some effort to making yourself belong.

So, while I am here I decided I will respect my grandparents' lifestyle, though much slower paced and a lot more traditional than my own, and I am going to do my best to make myself feel at home. I know they care for me a lot and I am really happy to be getting away from all the stressful things waiting for me back in Texas.

Since I spent today on the road I did a lot of thinking and whatnot like most humans do but my thoughts were so jumbled and annoying that I'm just going to try to let them go. I will say, however that me and my Dad are very, very, alike.

we are all hypocrites

Ok I know I've been posting a lot today but I'm kinda bored atm

So I always say "We are all hypocrites" because I think that there is no one human being who has never done something or said something hypocritical in their lifetime.

Buuut I just realized why that is even more true.

People often call out others for doing things that they find annoying or rude or just plain stupid, and then later realize that they do the exact same thing.
For example, I hate when people subtweet me on twitter, but then I realized I do it too.
That makes me a hypocrite right?

Well, is that really a bad thing?
Now that I've realized that I've been doing the same thing, and chastising people for it, I'm either going to a. stop subtweeting or b. stop bothering other people for subtweeting.

So, in a sense, being a hypocrite has taught me to change my ways, thus making me less judgmental of others. It's also made me realize that even though I hate hypocrites, I myself am one, making me EVEN MORE hypocritical. Wow. hypocriception.....

ANYway, so in a weird messed up way, all this hypocrisy exists in the world because people don't realize their own hypocrisy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think that every single person is a hypocrite, but realizing what hypocrisy you are committing is a part of maturing and learning, both things that are completely healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that being hypocritical about things is something everyone should do, but I find the concept of "hypocrites" very ironic. And, I think that hypocrisy, like all bad things, is something that we can learn from and grow past.

We all are so quick to call other people hypocrites, but don't take the time to look at our own lives and consider what WE are doing wrong. Doesn't that make us even worse?

June Faves!

Like I said I'm just sharing these because I want to look back on  it later on so here goes!

Albums

1. The Cab: Symphony Soldier
2. Neon Trees: Habits
3. EXO - XOXO
4. Beenzino: 24:26

Songs

1. BTS- No More Dream
2. The Cab: Angel With A Shotgun
3. Henry: Trap
4. The Quiett: Tomorrow

Tutorials / Youtube

1. BubzBeauty: Faux Bob
2. cutepolish: Floral Doodle
3. chelsimadonna
4. Nigahiga (as always)

Dramas / Shows

1. Law & Order: SVU
2. Nail Shop Paris
3. I Hear Your Voice

Food / Drink
1. Lychee Milk Tea
2. Fuze Drinks

That's all that I can think of for now...no beauty products this time because I haven't bought any new ones *sad day* but I did go shopping at Plato's Closet and got a lot of jeans and whatnot for only $10 total so I felt good about that.
Other than that~
That's all. haha.

Best Advice I've Heard

Quick Update: Registering for classes made me realize how important it is to be prepared and have back up plans beforehand if things don't go your way. Now I'm in Waco, TX with my sister and so far it's been very relaxing, mainly because it isn't nearly as busy here.

Anyway, I met a friend during Orientation and we were talking, and I wondered why it was so easy for her to befriend people and be humble about it. "How are you so likeable?" I asked.

This is what she answered:

Once you realize that no one is perfect, you can be a friend to anyone.


Pondering this made me realize that I, myself, have suffered from judging people by the little things about them that I disagree with. They might be people I could become close friends with, but if there's one thing that I don't like, I call it a "deal-breaker" and don't even attempt at a relationship.
Now that I think about it this is a terrible excuse to not become friends with someone and I think it may be the reason that I have a hard time being close to people.

Once we accept that people are different and everyone has their quirks and mistakes, we can literally accept anyone as a friend.

Okay last thing. So at Orientation they asked us to like, stand up for which statements we agreed with or related to and they read a list of statements and one of them was "Are you homophobic."
No one stood up. Not meaning no one was a homophobe...but rather no one admitted to it.

It's interesting that the things that are hardest for us to admit are things that may offend other people. Sure, everyone is entitled to an opinion but when that opinion disagrees with someone else's lifestyle, it becomes "controversial."

Honestly, I don't know how I feel about this. Shouldn't we be comfortable enough in our opinions to be able to admit to them? Why do we have to hide our opinions because it may disagree with someone else's?
I'm not saying I am homophobic nor that I am not, but the fact that no one admitted to it, yet people admitted to self-harm, being ashamed of their body, etc, was really interesting.

People admit their insecurities about themselves, but not about other people? Maybe this is exactly why we judge people so much. We aren't even comfortable enough in our own opinions to accept other peoples'.

Orientation, Day 1

If there is one thing that I have learned today, it is that making friends is not so easy.
I feel awkward talking to people I don't know and asking them generic questions about themselves. I feel like you can't become friends that way. There has to be some other sort of uniting factor or shared interest so you can have deeper conversations.
Honestly, I'm not liking this whole concept very much, because I am being forced to make friends with a roommate who I do not really care for, and a couple of people stuck in a group with me. It's like forced friendship. Not gonna happen for me.
Then again I'm probably just being bitter and cynical again like usual and need to suck it up and go meet people.

Doesn't help that I had less than an hour of sleep last night and only just now ate for the first time today. It's 5pm, btw.

Hungry and sleepy me is not a very happy me.