My Problem

I think people think that I'm selfish and don't really care about others but tbh my problem is that I think about how other people will feel or what they will think too often.

I'm not trying to make myself sound like a really good person or whatever, honestly I think it is a flaw of mine but I can't help it.

Even with the little things that happen, I think about how everyone else will feel as a result of something I'm doing and will probably change it if I think it will make someone feel uncomfortable or sad or upset or something. I change my mind about things often, and think to logically through situations which puts me in even worse ones.

Especially with relationships.

So for example this morning my grandpa asked how my boyfriend was and well, I don't have a boyfriend but part of me wanted to just go along with it so he wouldn't be embarrassed. Obviously that's not a good idea because then that would make me 1. a liar and 2. have to explain myself later resulting in further embarrassment for him.

Or with a guy, he might ask to give him a chance and I might be interested but I don't really want a long term relationship so I say sure and then I change my mind and I really don't want to be with him but instead of telling him that I'll lie and say "oh, it's not good timing" or "well it just isn't working" or I'll distance myself until he thinks I'm a total bitch and then gets mad at me so we break up or something like that because I don't want to be mean enough and say "I don't like you," or "I'm over you" or "I gave you a chance but I don't want to go further" or something like that which all sound so natural but I just cannot bring myself to say that so I concoct these huge excuses and lies that make me feel terrible and take forever to explain and the person ends up feeling just as hurt as they would've before except maybe even worse because then they think it's something they've done wrong but NO! I just have no idea what the fuck I am doing in my life and I didn't understand my feelings when I said "Sure let's go out"!!! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! This has happened at least four times and I am just ready to find someone I am 100% sure about. I mean I know relationships take work but sometimes it isn't worth it and I kind of just want to live for myself first but somehow I always find myself saying "ok let's try it" even though I KNOW I'm going to end it because I don't relaly want a relationshiP and OMFG I AM RAMBLING ON I'm sorry I'm done talking about my stupid boy problems anywAY

Things like that happen all the fucking time and I'm really trying to be better about them but it's hard.

Often, if I have a decision to make I don't think about what will make me happier but I think about who will be affected by both ends of the decision. If I do one thing, it's going to make these people upset or make them see me as a terrible person but on the other hand if I do the other option then these other people will hate me.

So sometimes I try to negotiate it, but that always ends up falling apart on me and I end up with both sides hating me for whatever reasons they have.

It sucks.

It even happens when it isn't me. If my brother says something offensive to someone else I feel the need to apologize and try to fix the situation somehow but then that might result in embarrassing him in some way or making him mad at me. I'm really bad at making the right choice. Or any choice.

This trip that I'm on right now...I don't have to be here. I could have had someone take me home so I could be with my friends and in the comfort of my own time but I thought it would be rude to leave my younger siblings with my grandparents and also it could offend them if I don't come. So here I am, going to the zoo and the old folks church because I'm trying to be respectful to my family.

It's like my entire life is spent in this complacency with my choices and I'm trying really hard to accept my situations and just deal with them. I can't think of the last time that I did something that went the way I wanted. But instead of putting my opinion out there or trying to make what I want happen, I suck it up and deal with the way things run. I don't know if it has contributed to my unhappiness or happiness but regardless, I don't think it's healthy.

I guess to sum up I'm the type of person who, when someone at the diner gets my order wrong, will just take what they give me, and even though it /was/ their mistake, I won't say anything because I don't want them to feel bad or have to do more work. Even if it means eating and paying for something that I hate terribly.

I'm way too aware of other people that I can't truly be MYSELF because I feel like I might offend someone. I want so badly to just be me and say what I want and do what I want and be the way I want to be but something is stopping me.

I really need to start making decisions based on what I truly WANT. For ME.

But I can't help considering all the people around me and how they will view me because of my choices.