Things I've realized about myself

This morning I realized I really didn't have anything to do today besides study and do homework, so I thought I would go find a nice place to sit and read on campus to do this. However, campus was a lot quieter than usual and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. Nonetheless I found a spot and tried to study and didn't really get a lot done because I was distracted by all the little things going on around me. I guess because things were for the most part kind of quiet, any movement or noise called my attention.

Anyway there was this huge tree that had been kind of dug up (?). Basically they cut a hole around it so you could see deeper into the tree than just the part coming up from the ground. I'm not sure why or how they did this or even who did this but it was kind of interesting to me because I didn't know that tree trunks extended so far deeper into the earth; I kind of assumed their roots were right below the surface or something but this tree's trunk was a lot longer and I wondered how far exactly it went into the earth before it became roots. Lately I've been assuming everything is metaphorical so I was thinking about it and it's kind of funny how sometimes things are a lot 'deeper' than we make them; problems are a lot worse than we think, there's a lot more to some people than we assume, things are not always as they seem I guess.

Anyway so this got me thinking about myself and what kind of a person I am on the outside, as opposed to what's "hidden underneath." I think on the outside I appear to be very vulnerable, gullible and kind of just a shy,  not very friendly person. But there's a lot more to me than that. I think even I have begun to think of myself as being this kind of person so much so that I have forgotten the true person I am.

I'm not vulnerable, rather, I try to accept the good in people and I try my hardest to make sure that I am not making someone uncomfortable or angry. I do my best to get on people's good sides. Is that me being vulnerable? I'm not sure. But I'm beginning to think that it doesn't matter. Why do I need to give a name to a certain aspect of myself? Maybe instead of "gullible" I am just a person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe instead of me being someone who is "cynical" I am a person who tries to accept reality for what it is instead of getting my hopes up and finding disappointment?

It's kind of ironic that today, Lee Changsub tweeted a song recommendation, Tasha's "Black Happiness" because a lyric in that song goes, "You gotta be strong, you gotta hold on and love yourself." The whole song is talking about being ashamed of her skin color, or just being ashamed of who you are and her resolution is that you just have to "be strong and love yourself." I think that, along with my observation of the tree has made me realize that instead of profiling certain aspects of yourself and ignoring the truth behind them, instead of focusing on the aspects of yourself that other people can see and ignoring the aspects of yourself that really truly define you, we should be focusing on the aspects of ourselves that make us who we are, and make us a person that we can love. Because they say if you can't love yourself, no one will.

This kind of just proves how the little things that Changsub does have big impacts on my life and the way I view life itself, and also that nature is sometimes most honest.

Anyway, those are just things that have been floating through my head today so I thought I would write them down.

If you are reading this, listen to Tasha's song and LIVE IT!

My Problem

I think people think that I'm selfish and don't really care about others but tbh my problem is that I think about how other people will feel or what they will think too often.

I'm not trying to make myself sound like a really good person or whatever, honestly I think it is a flaw of mine but I can't help it.

Even with the little things that happen, I think about how everyone else will feel as a result of something I'm doing and will probably change it if I think it will make someone feel uncomfortable or sad or upset or something. I change my mind about things often, and think to logically through situations which puts me in even worse ones.

Especially with relationships.

So for example this morning my grandpa asked how my boyfriend was and well, I don't have a boyfriend but part of me wanted to just go along with it so he wouldn't be embarrassed. Obviously that's not a good idea because then that would make me 1. a liar and 2. have to explain myself later resulting in further embarrassment for him.

Or with a guy, he might ask to give him a chance and I might be interested but I don't really want a long term relationship so I say sure and then I change my mind and I really don't want to be with him but instead of telling him that I'll lie and say "oh, it's not good timing" or "well it just isn't working" or I'll distance myself until he thinks I'm a total bitch and then gets mad at me so we break up or something like that because I don't want to be mean enough and say "I don't like you," or "I'm over you" or "I gave you a chance but I don't want to go further" or something like that which all sound so natural but I just cannot bring myself to say that so I concoct these huge excuses and lies that make me feel terrible and take forever to explain and the person ends up feeling just as hurt as they would've before except maybe even worse because then they think it's something they've done wrong but NO! I just have no idea what the fuck I am doing in my life and I didn't understand my feelings when I said "Sure let's go out"!!! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! This has happened at least four times and I am just ready to find someone I am 100% sure about. I mean I know relationships take work but sometimes it isn't worth it and I kind of just want to live for myself first but somehow I always find myself saying "ok let's try it" even though I KNOW I'm going to end it because I don't relaly want a relationshiP and OMFG I AM RAMBLING ON I'm sorry I'm done talking about my stupid boy problems anywAY

Things like that happen all the fucking time and I'm really trying to be better about them but it's hard.

Often, if I have a decision to make I don't think about what will make me happier but I think about who will be affected by both ends of the decision. If I do one thing, it's going to make these people upset or make them see me as a terrible person but on the other hand if I do the other option then these other people will hate me.

So sometimes I try to negotiate it, but that always ends up falling apart on me and I end up with both sides hating me for whatever reasons they have.

It sucks.

It even happens when it isn't me. If my brother says something offensive to someone else I feel the need to apologize and try to fix the situation somehow but then that might result in embarrassing him in some way or making him mad at me. I'm really bad at making the right choice. Or any choice.

This trip that I'm on right now...I don't have to be here. I could have had someone take me home so I could be with my friends and in the comfort of my own time but I thought it would be rude to leave my younger siblings with my grandparents and also it could offend them if I don't come. So here I am, going to the zoo and the old folks church because I'm trying to be respectful to my family.

It's like my entire life is spent in this complacency with my choices and I'm trying really hard to accept my situations and just deal with them. I can't think of the last time that I did something that went the way I wanted. But instead of putting my opinion out there or trying to make what I want happen, I suck it up and deal with the way things run. I don't know if it has contributed to my unhappiness or happiness but regardless, I don't think it's healthy.

I guess to sum up I'm the type of person who, when someone at the diner gets my order wrong, will just take what they give me, and even though it /was/ their mistake, I won't say anything because I don't want them to feel bad or have to do more work. Even if it means eating and paying for something that I hate terribly.

I'm way too aware of other people that I can't truly be MYSELF because I feel like I might offend someone. I want so badly to just be me and say what I want and do what I want and be the way I want to be but something is stopping me.

I really need to start making decisions based on what I truly WANT. For ME.

But I can't help considering all the people around me and how they will view me because of my choices.

Best Advice I've Heard

Quick Update: Registering for classes made me realize how important it is to be prepared and have back up plans beforehand if things don't go your way. Now I'm in Waco, TX with my sister and so far it's been very relaxing, mainly because it isn't nearly as busy here.

Anyway, I met a friend during Orientation and we were talking, and I wondered why it was so easy for her to befriend people and be humble about it. "How are you so likeable?" I asked.

This is what she answered:

Once you realize that no one is perfect, you can be a friend to anyone.


Pondering this made me realize that I, myself, have suffered from judging people by the little things about them that I disagree with. They might be people I could become close friends with, but if there's one thing that I don't like, I call it a "deal-breaker" and don't even attempt at a relationship.
Now that I think about it this is a terrible excuse to not become friends with someone and I think it may be the reason that I have a hard time being close to people.

Once we accept that people are different and everyone has their quirks and mistakes, we can literally accept anyone as a friend.

Okay last thing. So at Orientation they asked us to like, stand up for which statements we agreed with or related to and they read a list of statements and one of them was "Are you homophobic."
No one stood up. Not meaning no one was a homophobe...but rather no one admitted to it.

It's interesting that the things that are hardest for us to admit are things that may offend other people. Sure, everyone is entitled to an opinion but when that opinion disagrees with someone else's lifestyle, it becomes "controversial."

Honestly, I don't know how I feel about this. Shouldn't we be comfortable enough in our opinions to be able to admit to them? Why do we have to hide our opinions because it may disagree with someone else's?
I'm not saying I am homophobic nor that I am not, but the fact that no one admitted to it, yet people admitted to self-harm, being ashamed of their body, etc, was really interesting.

People admit their insecurities about themselves, but not about other people? Maybe this is exactly why we judge people so much. We aren't even comfortable enough in our own opinions to accept other peoples'.

Shopping

Honestly, I don't have shitty style, but every time I see cute clothes or can pick out a cute outfit it wouldn't look good on ME. This is probably because I'm short and stout and on the chubbier side but it's really depressing because honestly, I DO have good style and I can find cute clothes all the time but I just can't wear them.

On top of it, I feel self conscious trying on cute clothes because I feel as if I'll be judged...why is THAT girl trying to wear THAT? You know..stuff like that..
Then i feel self conscious WEARING cute clothes because if I wear shorts I feel like I'll be chastised for it but then again what else are you going to wear in 100 degree weather I mean really.

Shopping, for a girl, SHOULD be fun right?
But it just isn't.