damn you, depression

oops i got personal

I haven't eaten all day which is nbd tbh but all I feel like having is coffee or tea and I know that's not healthy but if I could live off of those two things I would and I bought a coffee this morning and downed it in less than two minutes and I think that will last me all day ahaha

Maybe I'll lose some weight ahahahahah

It's another depressing day yay!

I hate being depressed but somehow it happens all the damn time.

Right now I feel like shutting myself in my room and crying or getting into the car and just driving far away until it gets dark and then driving home maybe after a coffee stop or s/t

I'm imagining myself getting in a car crash and it doesn't sound too bad tbh, at least I won't be here, in my room, bored and depressed like I always am.

It's disturbing how many times daily I think about this, how I wish something bad would happen to me so that I wouldn't have to come home but that's a terrible thought to have and I know I dont /actually/ want anything bad to happen but it'd be easier than dealing with this right now.

If I were to describe my mood it would be

regret disappointment annoyance sadness depression guilt

Thing is,

even if something good happens to me I'm still going to feel like this

because I'm going to misinterpret the good and think the world is playing tricks on me and no youre just being mocked hanna

People are nice to me but I think it must be a mistake theyre mistaking me for someone else

they don't want me around theyre just being nice

theyre lying to me

something like that

I can't tell you how many times I think this daily and it's upsetting

I feel like everyone is against me and I don't know  what to do to change it

There is something wrong with me

I literally am choking back tears and there's this huge lump in my throat and my stomach is growling but I can't force myself to eat

but

life goes on i guess