It was the kind of sadness that has you unable to cry, or do anything save sit alone with your music louder than your thoughts, hoping it will stop you from thinking at all, or feeling. It was the kind of sadness that has you going through the motions of your daily routine without much thought, without effort or enthusiasm, but most severely without change. It was the kind of sadness that has you feeling dejected even when receiving compliments, and has you wondering what wrong you must have committed in your past life to become such the person you are now. It was the kind of sadness you thought only lost souls could feel, and you begin to wonder if you have somehow lost a part of your soul; a piece may have chipped off somewhere when something went wrong, maybe. It was the kind of sadness that reminds you of the sea, on a day where even the storms have left it alone, where there is nothing but the sound of pure nothingness as it softly brushes the shore. It was the kind of sadness where your eyes see things you aren't looking at, and your body moves without you asking. It was the kind of sadness where isolation is your closest companion, where you barely feel comfortable being around yourself, and where you can never be alone enough, because there is always the haunting feeling of your own disappointment hanging over you, mocking you, reminding you of your own mistakes and hypocrisy. It was the kind of sadness where sometimes, a voice in your head curses at you, louder and louder until all you hear for days is a string of chastising words all directed at you. It was the kind of sadness that made you feel dirty even after being washed, like you were the source of the filth. It was the kind of sadness that turned a blind eye to others' mistakes, but opened the other wider to see your own. It was the kind of sadness where empathy was misery; no matter how much you consider the happiness of those around you, you somehow only give them pain, unhappiness, no, sadness. It was the kind of sadness guilt clung to, and never left.
This sadness was the kind I felt for years, and the same sadness that I wore with a smile.
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