Alone Again

I think night time is the worst....I start to feel useless and annoying and lonely all at once when it gets dark and I'm left alone with my laptop and my messy room..

My friends contact me but
it's not like they really want to talk to me

I kind of miss the days where people would rush to text me when something good happened in their life...at least then I could be excited for them even if I'm not currently excited for myself about anything.

Oh well anyways back to watching kdramas or doing something completely unproductive.

Goodbye for now~

June 9th.

Today, I graduate.

It's unbelievable, but I cannot wait. I'm tired of my bad reputation and getting away from these self righteous high school kids is going to be the best feeling ever.

I sound unsentimental but I'm really looking forward to starting new.

Hanna

Lies

Finding out that someone lied to you multiple times is one of the most pitiful feelings I have ever experienced.
Why did I believe them?
How were they able to fool me?
Am I that dumb?

Looking back, I should have done something when I suspected that they were lies. But I didn't because I had no proof. I wonder how things would be different if I confronted people for their lies.

They'd probably cover up their lies.

But honestly, I can never trust this person again... They lied about something that I feel very strongly about and I cannot believe that I was foolish and naive enough to believe them.

But how pathetic is lying anyway? Are you so insecure that you have to be fake about yourself to feel accepted? Just tell me straight up and even if it's something I disagree with, I'll respect you more for disagreeing with me than for lying to me so you look good. How dumb.

Anyway, the truth comes out eventually and it's nice to know that there are still a few people who are genuine with me. I'm just going to be on my guard in the future.

Hanna

ramblings about things

I just want to read books and find someone to talk to about them and discuss and argue and learn and test each other and broaden my knowledge of the world...

Then I want to write beautiful things and have someone read them and criticize and help me improve and add their own wisdom to what I write so I can become more open minded...

And then I want to read others' writings and talk about what they love and try to appreciate what is important to them and have them lecture me on life and show me in detail the things they obsess about and why they do and me not understand it but just feeel their love for it and continue to learn...

And then I want to go places with someone and discuss things that are happening in the world and debate and observe things as they happen and study and take photos and just live in the world as it is...


I don't want to go to the movies, or play video games, or go bowling... I just want to talk.

I'm tired of these immature friendships where all we can find to do is talk about the other people around us and the silly drama that goes on in our daily lives that doesn't have any meaning at all in the world so we replace decent, worthwhile conversation with "fun"...

As Eleanor Roosevelt would say, "great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." I want to have a great mind.

Hanna

Today is June 1st, 2013...

...and I am thoroughly worried about my summer.

First of all, being a teenager, the summer is meant to be a time of long nights, days out with friends, excitement, and all that good stuff, which has never really been a super important part of my life but a social life is definitely a necessity. However, where I live, any type of 'hang out' must include spending money. Even if it's just that $4 spent on a smoothie whenever you hang out, that crap adds up after a while. And I can't just say no when friends ask me to do something with them, because one: that'd be rude, and two: I genuinely want to hang out with them. Even if I want to go to, say, the pool, I have to bother my parents enough to let me take a car, and then there's the money for gas. And after you swim all day, it's a given that you go somewhere to eat. So again, money.

There's always the option of getting a job, but that cuts down your summer tremendously, and makes you unavailable to hang out most of the time. Even if I manage to land a job, the money I earn is probably going to be saved for college expenses, since school starts up again in September.

Speaking of which, that brings up another point.
This is my last summer in Katy before I move on to college...so it's a given that I spend as much of it as I can with my high school friends. Right???

But then, being one of those self conscious, low self-esteem individuals, I also want to spend as much time as possible working on my weight and self image. This means more time working out...and even less time for friends or working a job. And then, of course, there's the dieting....which makes hanging out kind of hard because one: there's nothing to do here except eat (I'm serious) and two: being with friends around food is very, very tempting.

Then there are all the goals that everyone sets for themselves at the beginning of summer that never get accomplished and you forget about until the end of summer when it's pretty much too late... For example, this summer I really want to dedicate a couple hours a day to reading books and studying language. Coupled with the time I want to spend teaching myself dances and learning piano, that leaves little time for all the other crap I've previously talked about.

So...as great as it is to finally be in summer season, and have long days to do what I please...I am going to have to seriously prioritize and manage my money.
This brings me to the point of this post... (I promise it wasn't to state blatantly obvious facts about summer)... which is that I have created this blog to keep track of my goals. I am determined to make a change this summer and even if it requires social networking, it's going to happen.

I don't feel like proofreading so sorry for mistakes.

Hanna

P.S. new sports bras and coral nail polish. Totally worth the buy.