Everyone gives up on me or uses me to their advantage
People offend /me/ and then /theyre/ the ones who stay mad
They tell me they care and then when it comes to something thats important to me they judge me for it or think they have the right to give me their opinion about it, ignorantly
People expect me to respect their time but never consider the fact that I give up my own time for them while they protect their own
I always think maybe this person is the one that actually gives a fuck
I think my problem is that I desperately want attention but I generally am not "attention-seeking." I like to think I am a good listener, but sometimes I wish people would be the same for me. I always feel guilty for talking about myself, and I honestly care more about my friends' situations as well but I think it's caused my friends to take advantage of that. Even if they offend me I let it slide, laugh it off, but I always worry soo much about making sure I don't offend them. I just wish that other people would consider me before they said things so easily.
It's like, I'll be talking to a friend, and somehow, a conversation about my life or something that happened to me flips around quickly to be a conversation about the other person, and a very long one. It's like, something dramatic happens to me and I want to tell someone and they make it about them. This sounds pretentious but it's actually really true..I feel like with almost every situation I have, my friends will turn it around and say things like "At least it's not as bad as my situation blah blah" or "Oh that reminds me of my situation blah blah" and then I end up giving feedback about their life.
It's really caused me to not talk about myself whatsoever with people which isn't really healthy but I can't stand being ignored like that I just find it kind of rude...
But the problem is then people I talk to don't even /consider/ the fact that things happen to me and think my life is simple and easy and that really really bothers me because it isn't, at all, and I have problems just like them I just don't /talk/ about them all the time.
So yeah, I know I'm incredibly selfish and rude but the thing is I do care about what my friends are saying, it's not that at all..it's just that I don't feel like anyone really thinks of me, wonders how I am doing, asks about my life...
I'm so easily walked over and it bothers me soo much but I let it happen...
I read through a couple of my posts and I can easily see how I would seem like a completely depressing person and who knows maybe I am but I like to think im just realistic
But anyway yeah I am actually pretty optimistic because I think blogging gets out all the negative energy and such so in every day life im not as dramatic.
Anyway I just watched btob's sik sense season 2 ep 4 and 5 again and ahhh changsubs the cutest I swear
Not going to elaborate bc ill never stop if I do but he really is the sweetest thing.
They sang rising sun and damn that song is so good even today like wow still jamming to tht tbh
My cat is sleeping on my feet and I am sleeping on the couch in the living room bc every other place to sleep is taken bc of my huge ass family...
Its not very comfortable but I can deal.
Good night! Probably going to do a song rec tomorrow.
Whenever I havent seen someone in awhile and they just seem to want to talk about themselves im not sure if I should just let them and not mention anything about me and just wait for them to ask, or if I should butt in and say things that ive been up to as well...
But like even if they do ask I feel awkward because honestly its annoying to listen to someone go on and on and on about themselves because I feel unimportant you know so at the same time I dont want to start talking and stuff and make them feel the same way...I also dont want them to feel bad for talking so much because I actually do care I just feel like they don't you know
So most of the time I give short responses and talk abt things that dont have to be explained thoroughly so I dont feel like.im being selfish and talking about myself too much but then people might think i dont trust them or that I dont want to tell them ehat ive been up to which isnt the case...and sometimes they ask me to elaborate and I feel bad if I dont bc they might actually care but then if I do I feel bad for taking their time with a useless story so idk
Its always so awkward
But like if they dont ask then I feel awkward for not bringing stuff up that they may care about but just not think to ask about....but then again what if they dont care...and its always awk later on when people are like omg why didnt yoy tell me and im like well you only talk bout yourself.....but its like I could jsut talk abt me you know
Like am I supposed to talk about myself. ...I feel like itd be annoying to people...
I have a lot that I could vent right now but I am trying my best to stay positive atm so instead I'm going to write it all out and delete it.
...
There. Gone.
I was just having some negative and hurtful thoughts and I really hate that I think things like that sometimes, because I like to think that I have the potential to be a good person, but sometimes certain things happen that bring the worst out of me. Now I feel a bit refreshed having typed it all up and deleting it.
Cassey Ho, on her blog, addressed some of her followers having a problem with the way her thigh gap looks, and she said she doesn't care because she loves her legs.
I think it was a great reminder for me that it's more important to make yourself happy before pleasing others. Because I have definitely been lacking in this area, I think now more than ever it is important for me to focus on my own happiness and well being. I've neglected it long enough, and I'm tired of other people trying to change me or make me do things that I'm not comfortable with.
So yeah.
Just had to type this up because it was bothering me.
Did SM release a Christmas song yet? idk. if they did or do I'll add it later. I hope I don't miss anything but for 2013, these are my personal favorites:
1. Cube United: Christmas Song
Oh my goooodddd this is just perfect and I swear it's not because I'm Cube biased (its bc im changsub biased tbh no jk i promise) ok it's just such a good song and Junhyung and Ilhoon's raps are so good sobs this song is so fun and spirited and just perfect okay I sing it all the time and my younger sister gets so annoyed but it's just a really really good Christmas song ok!!!
2. Jelly Christmas 2013: Winter Propose
Ok I might be biased again because of VIXX but this song is really addicting. They all have such great voices and I can't get enough of it. I love listening to songs like this one and it feels so happy and sweet and Taekwoon's voice is so sweet omg.
3. Starship Planet: Snow Candy
I might be biased.....again.......because I love Boyfriend, love K.Will and love Sistar but this song is adorable anyway and I love their family ^^
4. Jonghyun & Juniel: Love Falls
They go sooo well together. What a Christmasy song I love it. I think the whole world is starting to really ship them ahaha. The lyrics of this song are so cute too omg idk sobs.
5. Boyfriend: Pinky Santa
Another adorable Japanese Boyfriend song sobs I love them so much. This was released kind of early but it's just so adorable I want to cry. I don't know why there is a giant bunny in the music video and I also don't understand who decided to style Jeongmin's hair like that because it's always perfect but in this video it just looks so funny ugh but that's not the poinT the point is that this is a really cute Christmas song!!
6. BESTie: Jjang Christmas
Bestie have great vocals and are very cute! This song is such a good holiday one~ It was just released earlier today I think buuut it's nice!
7. 2Bic: Lonely Christmas
They always sound beautiful so this song is no exception and I also find the music video incredibly adorable. I could probably listen to their voices all day long~
8. Mystic Holiday 2013: Christmas Wishes
Lim Kim's voice is mesmerizing and this song is really cute and very Christmasy haha idk how else to describe it.
9. Shin Bora: Frozen
Bora has such a beautiful voice & this song is really touching and beautiful and I love it. To be honest I just listened to this song earlier today but it's a really nice song~
10. EXO: Miracles in December
They have good voices and this is a pretty ballad song just not really what I would choose to listen to with holiday spirit lol still a good one. I think I just hear it too often because everyone is just so EXO biased.
11. Crayon Pop: Lonely Christmas
When...will...they...take...off...the...goddamn helmits... Idk I'm just over Crayon Pop's silliness to be honest. I thought it was clever and unique at first but now I'm just tired of it. This song is like, exactly like all their other songs and it doesn't even sound Christmasy idk it bothers me but yeah that's why it's last.
So yeah I feel like I forgot something but hopefully I didn't because there are ten on this list how fucking cool is that right [edit: added BESTie's song] but anyway i really don't know how to rank songs in terms of 'favorites' but I did my best. Kpop Christmas songs are my favorite thing ever so YEA I'm going to probably make a "Top 10 All Time Favorite Kpop Christmas Songs" post later but I'm lazy so this is good for now plus I've been posting a lot of music recs lately oopS
Something that bothers me a lot is when people assume that I "only" listen to kpop, or that I only listen to Korean music when that isn't the case at all...I like to think I am pretty open minded when it comes to music, and so far there isn't a music genre that I have disliked completely. Of the different types and styles of music I have come across in my lifetime, there is not one that I haven't found at least a couple songs that I like. Sooo this post is dedicated to sharing a couple non-Korean songs that I have recently come to favor. Of course, these aren't my favorite non-Korean songs nor are they the /only/ non-Korean songs that I listen to but these are just some recent finds.
1. Taylor Swift - Enchanted
Ok, this one isn't actually a recent find but I still love it... I used to really hate Taylor Swift but it was kind of a guilty pleasure of mine to listen to this album of hers (Fearless) and this one was one of my favorites. I think a lot of people give her shit because she's not a teenager anymore but all of her songs are kind of about that immature first love sort of thing or fairytale-like romances that aren't exactly realistic...but honestly I like that aspect of her music because it's what we all want anyway, and sometimes hearing a song about innocence is a refreshing break from the regular music we hear that seem to be getting more and more vulgar by the day.
2. Faydee ft Lazy J - Laugh Until You Cry
This is a Romanian pop song that I found recently and I absolutely love it. I usually don't like pop songs but this one is so catchy and fun. I really like the singer's voice..anyway nothing much to say about this song except that it's really fun to sing along to ahah.
3. Sunrise Inc - Mysterious Girl
Okay so I found this one and the previous one because of the 4minute song "Volume Up" which has the same saxaphone melody at the beginning as this song but I think I actually like this song better...Anyway I like this song because it's really chill and fun to listen to and idk I just really like ittttt.
4. Aaron Smith - Dancin' (Krono Remix)
I think I discovered this on someone's 8tracks playlist and I really liked the sound; it's very chill and I think it might actually be a popular song originally? I'm not actually sure to be honest because I'm not really pop-culture knowledgeable but anyway I like this remix because it's relaxing and not distracting while studying.
5. Imagine Dragons - Demons
Ok, I'm cheating a little because I talk about this album a lot but I just looove this song. I listen to it like, every day literally. I feel like the lyrics are something that I can kind of connect to and I just really love Imagine Dragons' sound in general. They're coming to Austin in February and I'm considering buying tickets but ugh money. Anyway, great great great song! Personal fave.
Anyway there are just a couple of the songs I've been listening to in the past week that are not Korean...I'm always open to new music no matter the genre or language and I actually rather enjoy discovering new music that I didn't know about before so yeah I don't fear things that are different and I really wish people would stop judging me based on the fact that I listen to a lot of Korean music. I wish there weren't so many music stereotypes...people should be able to listen to whatever they want without being called "emo" or "preppy" or "a hick" you know? It just bothers me that for something that has sooo much variety, people are surprised that you can favor songs that aren't necessarily the same genre.
Also lately I have been keen to listening to a lot of ballads, and I really really want to find some good vocalists with great ballad songs where they really belt it you know but I haven't found many so far. Maybe I'll make a post about ballad songs but idk I'm not very knowledgeable about them either so I might sound ignorant.
Hopefully this post doesn't make me sound ignorant...though I'm not really always up to date with the current pop culture trends I think sometimes discovering music on your own is more special...
Don't want to talk about finals to anyone don't want to talk about my semester don't want to 'catch up' with people tbh but at the same time i do want to hang out but whatever we'll see how this all goes
To be honest today I don't even feel like a human being...
I haven't brushed my hair all day, and instead threw it into a very messy bun that would have fallen out a couple times were it not for the saving grace of a couple bobby pins I found laying around, I've been eating gold fish and drinking Starbucks Double Shot energy drinks and Arizona tea, I'm not wearing any makeup and have begin to break out, and sure I showered but changed right back into my pajamas and have been sitting at my desk studying for the entire day.
Yet, I don't feel like I have gotten anything done...like, I don't feel any more prepared than I did twelve hours ago, which is the most sad part.
omgomgomg I love the songs I'm about to recommend sooo much.
Shinhwa: 그래
I loooove Shinhwa's album The Classic Vol. 11 but especially this song~ They have such powerful vocals I could literally listen to this all day.
Jaejoong: One Kiss
I'm kind of obsessed with Jaejoong right now and ugh this song I just love it. I love the rock feel and the way his voice sounds and how fucking like, powerful his voice is like he just belts it and it's wonderful. Such a unique song and soooo beautiful. I've literally been singing "Why didn't come my wayyyy" to my roommate all week and she probably hates it but oh well hehe
NELL - Boy - X
I've been listening to this all week oh my god it's just one of my favorite Nell songs..so beautiful with really heartbreakingly beautiful lyrics as well...Nell is always amazing but lately this one has been my favorite. I could listen to it in any mood ^^
I'm just....so...happy..right now...VIXX deserves this so much and they have worked so hard for us and this is just so precious...
N at the beginning: "Our Starlights have waited a long time, right? For making you wait we are very sorry....Thank you so much...." This made me tear up... they really care about their fans...
I wanted to see Leo's face because he is probably crying like crazy but of course he hid himself ;; EXO is so cute hugging them and whatnot and wow Ravi crying is so touching I'm just going to break down right now because this is the best thing that has happened to me this week TT I'm so proud of them...I really hope they continue to have successes like this...they deserve it..look how happy they are and surprised they are and wow ; ;
I just want to hug Leo he's such a baby T T
It's things like this that make me want to continue to support the artists and groups that I love because I know how hard they work and I know that when this kind of success happens they are proud and thankful and it means the world to them. I hope I can help them know that they deserve this kind of award.
My grades are going to be terrible...
I'm sooo stressed and I'm so alone...everyone else has people to study with but my friends aren't in any of my classes....I'm just....I want to cry....
Sitting at
Einstein Bros. Bagels and drinking a vanilla latte thinking about a lot of
things all at once~
I have
another test tomorrow and I'm almost at the point of giving up on everything
but I know I won't because I'm too proud, and also too chicken...
I think
about how in a lot of dramas, the girl's life is so hard but she still
maintains good grades and a couple part time jobs and I wonder why the hell I
can't do the same thing but then I realize it's because while I'm watching
dramas other people are going out and getting shit done...
So I think,
from now on I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to be one of those people
and not spend money carelessly or on myself and I'm going to work out every day
and I'm going to work and be social and get good grades and it's going to be
wonderful...
But I
don't...
Why don't I?
I think if
you truly want something bad enough you'll go for it, right? I mean, I sit here
and think about how badly I want something but I don't do anything about it. So
does that mean I don't want it badly enough? Idk.
I think
about how easy it would be to just...take my money and buy a plane ticket to
anywhere....spend a few nights there...be alone..on my own...like I could do
that you know? I'm 18...I'm allowed to do that...I don't even have to tell
anyone. I am pretty sure I could efficiently make up a lie and just go do
something outrageous on my own and no one would even know. But I won't.
But why? It
sounds fun, it'd be an experience, a challenge...but I can probably say 100%
that I won't do that. But I don't know why.
Like, I feel
trapped by some...subconscious desire to be the perfect daughter, perfect
student, perfect friend....despite the fact that I tell myself all the time to
be spontaneous and focus on the things that I want to get out of life and not
the things that other people expect of me, or the things that I know...
Honestly I
don't even know what I want to do with my life. I have a dream like the next
person but I know it's unattainable.....is that why I am not driven to do
anything with myself?
I feel like
I have become lazy in almost every aspect of my life...without inspiration or
motivation...purely because of the fact that I deem things impossible from the
start. Maybe that's why I don't do anything about the things that I want in
life...it's not that I don't want them badly enough but it's because I don't
have the faith in myself to accomplish them.
I want to
impress myself, and show myself what I am capable of but I feel like there
isn't much opportunity for this...HOW can I do this? How can I become the
go-getter person that I used to be again?
I've been
searching for years for the right inspiration..the right thing to really jump
start myself back into my old way of thinking...but I just...haven't...found
it....
And now I
feel like it's too late....
I know that
I'm the one hindering myself from accomplishing great things yet, I sit here
and blame it on circumstance..convince myself that I'll do good things
later....and remain unhappy...
How much
longer will I continue to do this to myself...
I absolutely hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight.
Do you honestly think I want to lose weight because I care what you think of my body? Hell no, it's because I want to feel comfortable with my own body. I honestly find it completely rude when other people think they can judge your decisions on what to eat, how much to eat, what diet you're on, how often you work out, how you workout, etc because all of those things involve personal decisions and making yourself feel good and it has nothing to do with other people. Don't judge me because I'm uncomfortable with my body, you have no right. I don't give a shit if every person in the whole goddamn world thinks I'm attractive, if I want to lose weight I'm going to do it.
There's nothing wrong with self-improvement and setting goals and such when related to food and exercise gives you something to feel accomplished about. Lately, I have been missing this sense of accomplishment that I used to have through other things. So why the hell can't I want to work out? It isn't because I'm conforming to society's judgment of beautiful, nor is it because I want to impress other people. I want to get fit and see progress and complete daily goals and weekly goals and monthly goals and feel proud of myself for them. I want to show myself that I can do it, so I can be confident in myself and comfortable with my body, regardless of what it looks like. Even if I look the same to other people, the fact that I put in effort and time into taking care of myself makes me look better to ME.
So fuck all those people who think they're doing you a favor by telling you that you're pretty anyway and don't need to work out. They make me feel guilty for wanting to, and that's pretty fucking messed up. I shouldn't have to feel judged for my decision to work out or not. No one has that right except me.
Good morning
I have two tests today so while I want desperately to take a shower and paint my nails and go to my last KUSA meeting and sleep I'm up, studying and will be for today's entirety. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm even in school but it's ok
I ordered a GRANDE Chai tea latte, not a tall in a bigger cup but i guess that's just capitalism for you??
Uhh I want to post a November favorites buuut no time??
I also want to gif Changsub but that'll also have to wait...
uuuh I want a bagel
Anyway music is very relaxing~~~ I recommend Demons by Imagine Dragons ~
Sometimes the aspects of other people that you swear will never be attributed to your own personality are the exact aspects of yourself that you choose to ignore, using others' demonstration of them as an excuse to ignore them in yourself. The sad thing is that everyone recognizes that this is true, yet still chooses to ignore the fact that it is true for themselves. We see it in other people; that boy over there swears he will never be like his father but is acting in the same way, that girl chastises others for their judgmental nature but is exactly the same herself....but for some reason accepting it in our own life is difficult. What I'm wondering is...are these traits inevitable or are they things we have control over...and if we have control to what extent is this control.......
