Korean Food

Ok last post today I promise.

Update: Tomorrow I leave Katy for Waco for my sister's wedding which is on Saturday. I'm super excited and also kind of nervous because I have to make a maid of honor toast at the rehearsal dinner. Anyway.

This month I had Korean food three times; first in Waco with my sister and her fiance, second in Katy with two of my favorite guy friends and third with my brothers and younger sister and best friend here in Katy at the same place.

I've discovered that I am so in love with kimchi I could eat it for the rest of my life... I'm a huge fan of kimbap...and deji gogi is my favorite meal. I have yet to try kimchi friend rice and galbi which I really want to try but there's always next time. :)

I think I'm going to try and find a Korean place in Austin to frequent because I just love the food!

Can't wait until one day I get to visit Korea myself!

Sadness

I got personal again so please do not read if you are one to judge.

Eating Habits

don't read if you're judgmental thx

Girl Stuff

Normally, I'm against all of that superficial crap like getting your hair done or getting a facial, etc because I think it is dehumanizing as a woman and when I do it demoralizes me.

However, yesterday I went to a salon with my mother to get a pedicure and our eyebrows waxed for my sister's wedding.  I have never had my eyebrows done so it was a new and very scary experience for me. Afterward, I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked so different. It was almost radical the way I had changed. The sad thing is, he only person who is going to notice this change is me. No one else is going to notice the subtle difference in my eyebrow shape or size. No one else is going to notice that my toes are cutely painted.

So it made me wonder why did I even do it?

But I think I finally understand.

It doesn't matter who notices, as long as you feel beautiful. I don't need someone's approval. The fact that I feel pretty and have spoiled myself after a long week of self loathing and depression is all I need. Now, I can continue this week feeling better about my physical appearance, which gives me more confidence.

I know a lot of people chastise women for all the beautifying things we do, and many guys say they don't care if you don't look perfect and that they like girls' "natural faces" but that isn't why we do it. I'm not trying to impress anyone but myself. And guys do notice that something is different, they just can't make out what. And this is what is so perfect about it. These little changes have such a huge difference for my mental health, and the subtle changes are what catch people's eyes.

Anyway I don't know why I wrote this or what the point is but I'm just saying that sometimes one needs to make themselves feel beautiful because if you can't love yourself then no one will.

Love

To me, love is a choice.
Sure, you don't choose who you have feelings for but you choose how you react to them. If you react to them by shutting them away, trying your best to forget about them, then you aren't choosing love. It's simple. Feelings, crushes, etc are natural, but love is not a feeling. Love isn't something you hide away and disguise with friendship, feelings are what you hide away and disguise with friendship. Love isn't something that just goes away or changes unless you let it. You can't love someone without your consent, without trying to love them and understand them. It takes emotional and mental absorption and engagement. This is why I despise hearing the words "I love you." If you love me, show me. Don't tell me. Words mean nothing when you don't know what it means to love. When you tell me you love me, I should already know. You don't need to confess your love for it to be real, and you shouldn't have to feel like saying "I love you" is a huge step in a relationship. Love is a huge step in a relationship, but not the words "I love you."

Right now, in my life, I am choosing not to love. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I do. My heart flutters and I get nervous and there is a person who I feel like I could love if I let myself. But I'm just pushing past this and prioritizing other things. That doesn't mean I can't love, or am incapable of loving, but just that right now, I don't need love in my life. There are more important things to me. Maybe later in my lifetime I'll be looking for a romantic relationship, and will choose love then. But for right now, I'm not emotionally ready to truly love someone. So I choose not to.

damn you, depression

oops i got personal

Feelingss

I hate when old repressed feelings come back and you can't get rid of them and just sit there wallowing in your self regret and remorse and it just really fucking sucks knowing that you've screwed things up in the past and there's no chance now but you still can't stop thinking about those feelings you have and it's confusing and annoying and confusing as fuck and sooo confusssinngggg and I just don't really know where I'm going with this all I really do know is that I messed up again and I'm sorry but I don't know how to say sorry and I don't know how to express myself in the right way unless! I'm just overthinking everything once again which is probably what I'm doing

so i guess i'm just going to shut up and suck it up
its probably nothing
im probably overreacting
i am probably wrong again
so

goodnight xoxo

Balance

I don't know whether to be one of those people who constantly puts themselves out there for their own betterment or to be modest and try to get somewhere on my own.

Because tbh I really hate attention whores and people who use everyone else so that they can achieve what they want. I really hate it when people constantly post pictures of themselves and are super friendly with everyone else just so that people will like them and to get their name out there...

but at the same time if i sit here and am modest about what i can do and don't put myself out there then it's going to be really freaking hard to get somewhere in life and I have no idea how I'm going to make connections and build friendships and whatnot.

I guess it's about balance, but I really don't even know how to find that.

I mean let's say I advertise myself on every social media possible and get a whole bunch of people to follow me and compliment me and whatever the hell they want. Does this mean I am genuinely good at what I do or am I just good at attracting people?

This is what I'm confused about.

I have a deep respect for people who make it on their own but then again I have to wonder how much more successful they'd be if they had advertised themselves more. At the same time it makes them more genuine to be self-made.

So I guess right now I'm in that stage where I really don't know what kind of persona to put on and whether or not I should use the internet to build relationships and gain 'followers' and whatnot or whatever.

Ugh. This is very difficult for me to understand.

Coward

I'm such a coward.

I want so badly to confront someone for their lies but I'm afraid of the outcome.
I have ideas and goals but I'm too afraid to pursue them in case it's a waste of time.
I'm even too afraid to text people I want to talk to and apologize to people I'm sorry to.

Why am I like this :c

thoughts on thoughts?

I thought I made myself really good at not feeling anything but for some reason it hasn't been working?
ahahha cool..

I guess I'm human.
Dammit.

oops

Sometimes I make no sense and I sound so freaking stupid and it's kind of frustrating so I just tell myself that I tried so it's okay

Some Guy

So this person making all these glass art pieces was this guy, probably mid-20s with long shaggy blonde hair, sunglasses sitting on the top of his head, cargo shorts and a dirty t-shirt and some strange glove-type thing on his hand to protect himself from the heat.

When I walked in, this guy's I'm supposing wife or girlfriend was sitting there, dressed in some uniform for work or something, watching him, smiling what seemed like proudly. When she caught his attention she asked where the keys were and he kind of pointed somewhere and shouted at her over the noise and then sat back down and continued working, and then she left.

I thought what a terrible relationship but actually it's pretty cool; this guy is doing what he loves and the person he loves can appreciate it. They don't have to always be together but they can still be happy. I might be over analyzing and she mightve been his sister or something but I'm just guessing....this sounds so stupid but anyway

 I was watching him intently because I was trying to figure out why someone would spend so much time working on these little things instead of going out and working a real job or something...but I guess I realized that it probably doesn't matter to him. He's doing what he's good at...what he's learned how to do and worked probably long hours to perfect.

Now that I'm reading this it doesn't sound so interesting...but I guess the point is that watching this guy work made me appreciate art a lot more. Any form of art, really. Writing, drawing, anything really...it's all so...genuine. Like, no person can see a piece of art the same way the artist does. They don't know what it took, they can never know, and never appreciate it the same way. I always try to interpret artworks and understand why they made it the way they did but that isn't the point. The point is that there was something that inspired them to make it a certain way and they don't need anyone else's approval. It is so much themselves that it doesn't matter what other people say about it or think it means because they know what it means to them.

I think that is something that people nowadays lack; an outlet where we can just be ourselves and not worry about what others are saying about it. I think people really need something, anything that they can just put themselves into, like a sport or an art form of some kind or a musical instrument...as long as there's something. I think that is one of the few ways people can feel comfortable with who they are.

So I guess that's the main thing that impressed me about this person I saw...he really didn't pay attention to all the people watching him work, nor did he seem affected by it. He had, in his mind, an idea of what he wanted to do, and he did it. I wish more people thought like that. Maybe then, the world wouldn't be so focused on the mainstream, and more focused on the true beauty of life and art and hard work..

Glass

Okay so I'm finally getting around to this. I don't know exactly why but I found this guy extremely interesting- not attractive or interesting like ooh i'd date him but just..interesting i guess so ok here goes

So while in Kansas visiting my grandparents we stopped by a glass blowing place outside of town. It was small, but filled with colorful glass in strange shapes and sizes. For example I saw a couple fish, some hearts, tall statues...etc. What was interesting to me was that when you first walk in, all you see are all these pieces of glass and you're like "oh that's pretty" but that's it. That's all I was thinking. "We came all the way out here to see this shit?" you know, something like that.

Then as you walk further into the store, there's a door that leads outside and out back is where all of this is made. On the day I went, they were letting visitors go out and watch the people make these glass art pieces. I wasn't particularly excited about this but I went anyway and kind of stood there and watched and at first they weren't doing much but I just kind of kept watching.

I realize this is kind of a tangent from what I meant to talk about but this was also interesting to me. They start out with this small piece of I guess glass that they put in the furnace and shape for a couple minutes, then they start adding to it. So this ball of glass keeps getting bigger and bigger until the person (yeah the guy) can barely hold it. So then there are two or three people propping this giant piece of hot glass on this kind of metal contraption while they hammer colorful sand to it and add more glass. So now it has all this color and it's starting to look pretty but the shape is just..round.

Then they keep adding to it and shaping it and then they begin to slowly change its shape, little by little until it's the shape they want. What was interesting to me was that the fish, the bowl, etc that I saw earlier started from this small piece of hot glass in a little garage with shitty country music playing in the background. It's hot, it's tiring and a lot of work but all we see is this pretty little glass accessory for our desk at home. We don't see all the hours that went into it, and we never will.

So it made me think about life, because let's face it I do that way too fkn often, and I started to think that with most things, the "finished product" is all that people pay attention to. Even in our lives, no one cares how much money you spent on an education or how long it took to get a degree, or the numerous sleepless nights spend studying for a final, or even the hard work you put into a relationship or something you're passionate about. People only care about what degree you earned, what job you're at, what you've supposedly "accomplished" in your life. But I think the real accomplishment is being able to say "Look at all I went through. I'm proud of it." and that is what amazed me so much about these glass blowers.

And then, if you think about it, it's like a perfect metaphor to our lives. We start out as a child, small and uninfluenced, and little by little we keep adding on experiences and interactions until we are shaped and formed into who we are. Everyone is going to see us on the outside but no one sees the internal changes that happen constantly throughout our lives.

Art is one of those things that to me is so under-appreciated, but means so much.

the dude

I totally have to describe this guy i saw today buut im tired so i hope i dont forget to do it later but this is a reminder for me ok bye

(he was interesting thts all))

so

I really hate myself.
I see my name and I hate it. I hate what comes with it.
I want to change.
I am trying to change.

...I can't wait to change...

Self Evaluating

I always thought that having a lot of followers on twitter or tumblr or whatever would be great but you know what it sucks.

It makes me want to delete my tumblr. It makes me want to deactivate my twitter.

Actually, twitter itself just makes me so mad.

I see posts from other people and assume theyre about me and then I get angry and say things I don't mean and they get angry and it's this endless fight for no reason really.

I'm tired of it and I want to just delete everything.

Yeah, I know I've done wrong things and I know I've made mistakes and believe me I am paying for them right now. I really am. You don't need to tell me for me to know. I know and I'm just trying to move on and past them but it's really fucking hard when people keep bringing them up.

I am TRYING. Very much. I just want to let things go and this is my way of doing it. Once I get over it I'll be fine but if you keep chastising me for every little thing I say then that's never going to happen.

PLEASE, give me peace. I beg you.

when i go home..

I'm going home Tuesday and I just don't know how things are going to be...

I feel like part of my world has already fallen apart and in no time the rest of it is going to follow and I don't know how I'm going to handle all that.

Maybe it's good timing because I'll be leaving in August to start a new life in a new big city with new...everything really but until then I fear my life is going to be just a big laughable joke...

Hell, I don't even know who I am friends with anymore..

I have an idea of some people who I think genuinely appreciate me and my existence but I still doubt even them..

I just don't kn ow anything anymore.
I don't know what 'home' is anymore.
I am nothing and no one, even to myself.
I don't know myself, I don't know how to be myself, I don't even know what I love anymore.

And right now I want to hug someone, and to cry, but I can't, because I don't know how to even let myself do that.

Live for Yourself.

Lately I've had a lot of wisdom shared with me and I've learned a lot about life and loving people and being a respectful human being and it's made me have really complex thoughts that I don't even know if I quite understand.

I'm becoming more opinionated but I can't tell if these opinions are born from ignorance or if they're sound...so I don't know if I should share them or keep them to myself to avoid any possible embarrassment...and even if these opinions are 'sound' well...what does that even mean?

So they're acceptable by society...so what?

I don't need the acceptance of society or my friends and peers to be "right" or "wrong" do I? What's saying they are "right" and "wrong" anyway?

In the end, it's not them who will determine what was right and wrong, what was good and bad, what opinions were 'sound' and what thoughts were revolutionary.
I'm not a super religious person but I have my beliefs about what determines all of this, but who is saying that I'm right about even that? Science can explain many things but there is no way of testing and experimenting to find out what thoughts and opinions are morally correct, or what religion or belief is the truth. Really there is no way for any one human to know what exactly is "right" and what is the "truth" about anything. So why do we spend our lives trying to please other human beings?

Through typing all of this I'm kind of realizing the importance of living for yourself. No matter what you do, someone is going to disagree. Someone is going to disapprove. So instead of living to please others, or do what you think society wants you to, or what society thinks is 'right', do what /you/ think is right. Do what allows you to accomplish what you want to accomplish. Make your own goals and accomplish them. Exceed them. Go beyond your own limits, not those set upon you by people who won't matter in the grand scheme of your life. Ignore the people that tell you that you are doing something wrong. Make your own mistakes and learn from them.

Hanna's Life Tip #2

"Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode"

Don't do it. Because you will tell yourself 'one more episode won't hurt...' all night long and you will not sleep at all.

Nothing is worth sacrificing sleep.

Hidden Messages

It always makes me laugh when I'm having conversations with people and they start telling a completely irrelevant story that might very faintly relate to the topic of conversation but is mainly just a /seemingly/ random story they're telling but in actuality there is one minute detail from this story that they want me to know so they're just using this as a chance to let me know without straight up telling me.

I find it extremely frustrating.

If you have something you want me to know, tell me straight up. Don't try to hide it behind your pointless story that I don't have the time to listen to.

Because I'm not stupid; I know why you're telling me this and now you have lost some respect.

Imperfections

Honestly, I believe it is our imperfections that make us perfect. They make us unique.

When we feel discouraged, vulnerable, insecure, afraid, upset, or when our guard is down, I think that is when we are most ourselves.

Chuck & Blair

I always say I won't get married but if my relationship is like Chuck & Blair then it's a possibility lmao

That sounds shallow buuuut I love their relationship.
Too bad it's a fucking TV show and stuff like that never happens in real life.

I wonder if real romance exists.

My Problem

I think people think that I'm selfish and don't really care about others but tbh my problem is that I think about how other people will feel or what they will think too often.

I'm not trying to make myself sound like a really good person or whatever, honestly I think it is a flaw of mine but I can't help it.

Even with the little things that happen, I think about how everyone else will feel as a result of something I'm doing and will probably change it if I think it will make someone feel uncomfortable or sad or upset or something. I change my mind about things often, and think to logically through situations which puts me in even worse ones.

Especially with relationships.

So for example this morning my grandpa asked how my boyfriend was and well, I don't have a boyfriend but part of me wanted to just go along with it so he wouldn't be embarrassed. Obviously that's not a good idea because then that would make me 1. a liar and 2. have to explain myself later resulting in further embarrassment for him.

Or with a guy, he might ask to give him a chance and I might be interested but I don't really want a long term relationship so I say sure and then I change my mind and I really don't want to be with him but instead of telling him that I'll lie and say "oh, it's not good timing" or "well it just isn't working" or I'll distance myself until he thinks I'm a total bitch and then gets mad at me so we break up or something like that because I don't want to be mean enough and say "I don't like you," or "I'm over you" or "I gave you a chance but I don't want to go further" or something like that which all sound so natural but I just cannot bring myself to say that so I concoct these huge excuses and lies that make me feel terrible and take forever to explain and the person ends up feeling just as hurt as they would've before except maybe even worse because then they think it's something they've done wrong but NO! I just have no idea what the fuck I am doing in my life and I didn't understand my feelings when I said "Sure let's go out"!!! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! This has happened at least four times and I am just ready to find someone I am 100% sure about. I mean I know relationships take work but sometimes it isn't worth it and I kind of just want to live for myself first but somehow I always find myself saying "ok let's try it" even though I KNOW I'm going to end it because I don't relaly want a relationshiP and OMFG I AM RAMBLING ON I'm sorry I'm done talking about my stupid boy problems anywAY

Things like that happen all the fucking time and I'm really trying to be better about them but it's hard.

Often, if I have a decision to make I don't think about what will make me happier but I think about who will be affected by both ends of the decision. If I do one thing, it's going to make these people upset or make them see me as a terrible person but on the other hand if I do the other option then these other people will hate me.

So sometimes I try to negotiate it, but that always ends up falling apart on me and I end up with both sides hating me for whatever reasons they have.

It sucks.

It even happens when it isn't me. If my brother says something offensive to someone else I feel the need to apologize and try to fix the situation somehow but then that might result in embarrassing him in some way or making him mad at me. I'm really bad at making the right choice. Or any choice.

This trip that I'm on right now...I don't have to be here. I could have had someone take me home so I could be with my friends and in the comfort of my own time but I thought it would be rude to leave my younger siblings with my grandparents and also it could offend them if I don't come. So here I am, going to the zoo and the old folks church because I'm trying to be respectful to my family.

It's like my entire life is spent in this complacency with my choices and I'm trying really hard to accept my situations and just deal with them. I can't think of the last time that I did something that went the way I wanted. But instead of putting my opinion out there or trying to make what I want happen, I suck it up and deal with the way things run. I don't know if it has contributed to my unhappiness or happiness but regardless, I don't think it's healthy.

I guess to sum up I'm the type of person who, when someone at the diner gets my order wrong, will just take what they give me, and even though it /was/ their mistake, I won't say anything because I don't want them to feel bad or have to do more work. Even if it means eating and paying for something that I hate terribly.

I'm way too aware of other people that I can't truly be MYSELF because I feel like I might offend someone. I want so badly to just be me and say what I want and do what I want and be the way I want to be but something is stopping me.

I really need to start making decisions based on what I truly WANT. For ME.

But I can't help considering all the people around me and how they will view me because of my choices.

Hanna's Life Tip #1

When you're unbearably hungry, do not eat fast food or unhealthy snack food. You will overeat and then feel like shit afterward.

You'll feel better if you take the time to cook yourself a healthy and nicely sized meal, one that doesn't fill you to the brim but satisfies your hunger.

Where in the world am I?

At the moment, I am in Kansas visiting my grandparents...and let me tell you, things are different over here.

It makes me kind of nervous to be here because I am constantly afraid that I will be judged by saying certain things or doing certain things that may be disapproved of. Thankfully, my laptop is kind of a saving grace and my comfort.

I haven't been home in a week, and I quite enjoy being gone; for the first time in years I have literally not wanted to go back. And I don't. Why? I'm not really sure. It might be that I am starting to develop an ability to make any place my home. I think you can really make anywhere feel like home or at least comfortable if you try to, and put some effort to making yourself belong.

So, while I am here I decided I will respect my grandparents' lifestyle, though much slower paced and a lot more traditional than my own, and I am going to do my best to make myself feel at home. I know they care for me a lot and I am really happy to be getting away from all the stressful things waiting for me back in Texas.

Since I spent today on the road I did a lot of thinking and whatnot like most humans do but my thoughts were so jumbled and annoying that I'm just going to try to let them go. I will say, however that me and my Dad are very, very, alike.

we are all hypocrites

Ok I know I've been posting a lot today but I'm kinda bored atm

So I always say "We are all hypocrites" because I think that there is no one human being who has never done something or said something hypocritical in their lifetime.

Buuut I just realized why that is even more true.

People often call out others for doing things that they find annoying or rude or just plain stupid, and then later realize that they do the exact same thing.
For example, I hate when people subtweet me on twitter, but then I realized I do it too.
That makes me a hypocrite right?

Well, is that really a bad thing?
Now that I've realized that I've been doing the same thing, and chastising people for it, I'm either going to a. stop subtweeting or b. stop bothering other people for subtweeting.

So, in a sense, being a hypocrite has taught me to change my ways, thus making me less judgmental of others. It's also made me realize that even though I hate hypocrites, I myself am one, making me EVEN MORE hypocritical. Wow. hypocriception.....

ANYway, so in a weird messed up way, all this hypocrisy exists in the world because people don't realize their own hypocrisy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think that every single person is a hypocrite, but realizing what hypocrisy you are committing is a part of maturing and learning, both things that are completely healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that being hypocritical about things is something everyone should do, but I find the concept of "hypocrites" very ironic. And, I think that hypocrisy, like all bad things, is something that we can learn from and grow past.

We all are so quick to call other people hypocrites, but don't take the time to look at our own lives and consider what WE are doing wrong. Doesn't that make us even worse?

June Faves!

Like I said I'm just sharing these because I want to look back on  it later on so here goes!

Albums

1. The Cab: Symphony Soldier
2. Neon Trees: Habits
3. EXO - XOXO
4. Beenzino: 24:26

Songs

1. BTS- No More Dream
2. The Cab: Angel With A Shotgun
3. Henry: Trap
4. The Quiett: Tomorrow

Tutorials / Youtube

1. BubzBeauty: Faux Bob
2. cutepolish: Floral Doodle
3. chelsimadonna
4. Nigahiga (as always)

Dramas / Shows

1. Law & Order: SVU
2. Nail Shop Paris
3. I Hear Your Voice

Food / Drink
1. Lychee Milk Tea
2. Fuze Drinks

That's all that I can think of for now...no beauty products this time because I haven't bought any new ones *sad day* but I did go shopping at Plato's Closet and got a lot of jeans and whatnot for only $10 total so I felt good about that.
Other than that~
That's all. haha.

Best Advice I've Heard

Quick Update: Registering for classes made me realize how important it is to be prepared and have back up plans beforehand if things don't go your way. Now I'm in Waco, TX with my sister and so far it's been very relaxing, mainly because it isn't nearly as busy here.

Anyway, I met a friend during Orientation and we were talking, and I wondered why it was so easy for her to befriend people and be humble about it. "How are you so likeable?" I asked.

This is what she answered:

Once you realize that no one is perfect, you can be a friend to anyone.


Pondering this made me realize that I, myself, have suffered from judging people by the little things about them that I disagree with. They might be people I could become close friends with, but if there's one thing that I don't like, I call it a "deal-breaker" and don't even attempt at a relationship.
Now that I think about it this is a terrible excuse to not become friends with someone and I think it may be the reason that I have a hard time being close to people.

Once we accept that people are different and everyone has their quirks and mistakes, we can literally accept anyone as a friend.

Okay last thing. So at Orientation they asked us to like, stand up for which statements we agreed with or related to and they read a list of statements and one of them was "Are you homophobic."
No one stood up. Not meaning no one was a homophobe...but rather no one admitted to it.

It's interesting that the things that are hardest for us to admit are things that may offend other people. Sure, everyone is entitled to an opinion but when that opinion disagrees with someone else's lifestyle, it becomes "controversial."

Honestly, I don't know how I feel about this. Shouldn't we be comfortable enough in our opinions to be able to admit to them? Why do we have to hide our opinions because it may disagree with someone else's?
I'm not saying I am homophobic nor that I am not, but the fact that no one admitted to it, yet people admitted to self-harm, being ashamed of their body, etc, was really interesting.

People admit their insecurities about themselves, but not about other people? Maybe this is exactly why we judge people so much. We aren't even comfortable enough in our own opinions to accept other peoples'.

Orientation, Day 1

If there is one thing that I have learned today, it is that making friends is not so easy.
I feel awkward talking to people I don't know and asking them generic questions about themselves. I feel like you can't become friends that way. There has to be some other sort of uniting factor or shared interest so you can have deeper conversations.
Honestly, I'm not liking this whole concept very much, because I am being forced to make friends with a roommate who I do not really care for, and a couple of people stuck in a group with me. It's like forced friendship. Not gonna happen for me.
Then again I'm probably just being bitter and cynical again like usual and need to suck it up and go meet people.

Doesn't help that I had less than an hour of sleep last night and only just now ate for the first time today. It's 5pm, btw.

Hungry and sleepy me is not a very happy me.