Saturday, December 28, 2013

Everyone gives up on me or uses me to their advantage

People offend /me/ and then /theyre/ the ones who stay mad

They tell me they care and then when it comes to something thats important to me they judge me for it or think they have the right to give me their opinion about it, ignorantly

People expect me to respect their time but never consider the fact that I give up my own time for them while they protect their own

I always think maybe this person is the one that actually gives a fuck

And then they disappoint me

Attention

I think my problem is that I desperately want attention but I generally am not "attention-seeking." I like to think I am a good listener, but sometimes I wish people would be the same for me. I always feel guilty for talking about myself, and I honestly care more about my friends' situations as well but I think it's caused my friends to take advantage of that. Even if they offend me I let it slide, laugh it off, but I always worry soo much about making sure I don't offend them. I just wish that other people would consider me before they said things so easily.

It's like, I'll be talking to a friend, and somehow, a conversation about my life or something that happened to me flips around quickly to be a conversation about the other person, and  a very long one. It's like, something dramatic happens to me and I want to tell someone and they make it about them. This sounds pretentious but it's actually really true..I feel like with almost every situation I have, my friends will turn it around and say things like "At least it's not as bad as my situation blah blah" or "Oh that reminds me of my situation blah blah" and then I end up giving feedback about their life.

It's really caused me to not talk about myself whatsoever with people which isn't really healthy but I can't stand being ignored like that I just find it kind of rude...
But the problem is then people I talk to don't even /consider/ the fact that things happen to me and think my life is simple and easy and that really really bothers me because it isn't, at all, and I have problems just like them I just don't /talk/ about them all the time.

So yeah, I know I'm incredibly selfish and rude but the thing is I do care about what my friends are saying, it's not that at all..it's just that I don't feel like anyone really thinks of me, wonders how I am doing, asks about my life...

I'm so easily walked over and it bothers me soo much but I let it happen...


Sunday, December 22, 2013

Blogging

I read through a couple of my posts and I can easily see how I would seem like a completely depressing person and who knows maybe I am but I like to think im just realistic

But anyway yeah I am actually pretty optimistic because I think blogging gets out all the negative energy and such so in every day life im not as dramatic.

Anyway I just watched btob's sik sense season 2 ep 4 and 5 again and ahhh changsubs the cutest I swear
Not going to elaborate bc ill never stop if I do but he really is the sweetest thing.

They sang rising sun and damn that song is so good even today like wow still jamming to tht tbh

My cat is sleeping on my feet and I am sleeping on the couch in the living room bc every other place to sleep is taken bc of my huge ass family...

Its not very comfortable but I can deal.

Good night! Probably going to do a song rec tomorrow.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Emotions


Damn idk

Whenever I havent seen someone in awhile and they just seem to want to talk about themselves im not sure if I should just let them and not mention anything about me and just wait for them to ask, or if I should butt in and say things that ive been up to as well...
But like even if they do ask I feel awkward because honestly its annoying to listen to someone go on and on and on about themselves because I feel unimportant you know so at the same time I dont want to start talking and stuff and make them feel the same way...I also dont want them to feel bad for talking so much because I actually do care I just feel like they don't you know
So most of the time I give short responses and talk abt things that dont have to be explained thoroughly so I dont feel like.im being selfish and talking about myself too much but then people might think i dont trust them or that I dont want to tell them ehat ive been up to which isnt the case...and sometimes they ask me to elaborate and I feel bad if I dont bc they might actually care but then if I do I feel bad for taking their time with a useless story so idk
Its always so awkward
But like if they dont ask then I feel awkward for not bringing stuff up that they may care about but just not think to ask about....but then again what if they dont care...and its always awk later on when people are like omg why didnt yoy tell me and im like well you only talk bout yourself.....but its like I could jsut talk abt me you know
Like am I supposed to talk about myself. ...I feel like itd be annoying to people...

This post makes no sense

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Just a Couple Thoughts

I have a lot that I could vent right now but I am trying my best to stay positive atm so instead I'm going to write it all out and delete it.

...

There. Gone.

I was just having some negative and hurtful thoughts and I really hate that I think things like that sometimes, because I like to think that I have the potential to be a good person, but sometimes certain things happen that bring the worst out of me. Now I feel a bit refreshed having typed it all up and deleting it.

Cassey Ho, on her blog, addressed some of her followers having a problem with the way her thigh gap looks, and she said she doesn't care because she loves her legs.

I think it was a great reminder for me that it's more important to make yourself happy before pleasing others. Because I have definitely been lacking in this area, I think now more than ever it is important for me to focus on my own happiness and well being. I've neglected it long enough, and I'm tired of other people trying to change me or make me do things that I'm not comfortable with.

So yeah.

Just had to type this up because it was bothering me.


Sunday, December 15, 2013

Choices


2013 Christmas Kpop Songs

My personal favorite 2013 Christmas songs

Did SM release a Christmas song yet? idk. if they did or do I'll add it later. I hope I don't miss anything but for 2013, these are my personal favorites:


1. Cube United: Christmas Song
Oh my goooodddd this is just perfect and I swear it's not because I'm Cube biased (its bc im changsub biased tbh no jk i promise) ok it's just such a good song and Junhyung and Ilhoon's raps are so good sobs this song is so fun and spirited and just perfect okay I sing it all the time and my younger sister gets so annoyed but it's just a really really good Christmas song ok!!!


2. Jelly Christmas 2013: Winter Propose
Ok I might be biased again because of VIXX but this song is really addicting. They all have such great voices and I can't get enough of it. I love listening to songs like this one and it feels so happy and sweet and Taekwoon's voice is so sweet omg.


3. Starship Planet: Snow Candy
I might be biased.....again.......because I love Boyfriend, love K.Will and love Sistar but this song is adorable anyway and I love their family ^^


4. Jonghyun & Juniel: Love Falls
They go sooo well together. What a Christmasy song I love it. I think the whole world is starting to really ship them ahaha. The lyrics of this song are so cute too omg idk sobs.


5. Boyfriend: Pinky Santa
Another adorable Japanese Boyfriend song sobs I love them so much. This was released kind of early but it's just so adorable I want to cry. I don't know why there is a giant bunny in the music video and I also don't understand who decided to style Jeongmin's hair like that because it's always perfect but in this video it just looks so funny ugh but that's not the poinT the point is that this is a really cute Christmas song!!


6. BESTie: Jjang Christmas
Bestie have great vocals and are very cute! This song is such a good holiday one~ It was just released earlier today I think buuut it's nice!


7. 2Bic: Lonely Christmas
They always sound beautiful so this song is no exception and I also find the music video incredibly adorable. I could probably listen to their voices all day long~


8. Mystic Holiday 2013: Christmas Wishes
Lim Kim's voice is mesmerizing and this song is really cute and very Christmasy haha idk how else to describe it.


9. Shin Bora: Frozen
Bora has such a beautiful voice & this song is really touching and beautiful and I love it. To be honest I just listened to this song earlier today but it's a really nice song~


10. EXO: Miracles in December
They have good voices and this is a pretty ballad song just not really what I would choose to listen to with holiday spirit lol still a good one. I think I just hear it too often because everyone is just so EXO biased.


11. Crayon Pop: Lonely Christmas
When...will...they...take...off...the...goddamn helmits... Idk I'm just over Crayon Pop's silliness to be honest. I thought it was clever and unique at first but now I'm just tired of it. This song is like, exactly like all their other songs and it doesn't even sound Christmasy idk it bothers me but yeah that's why it's last.

So yeah I feel like I forgot something but hopefully I didn't because there are ten on this list how fucking cool is that right [edit: added BESTie's song] but anyway i really don't know how to rank songs in terms of 'favorites' but I did my best. Kpop Christmas songs are my favorite thing ever so YEA I'm going to probably make a "Top 10 All Time Favorite Kpop Christmas Songs" post later but I'm lazy so this is good for now plus I've been posting a lot of music recs lately oopS

l8r

A Couple Non-Korean Songs

Something that bothers me a lot is when people assume that I "only" listen to kpop, or that I only listen to Korean music when that isn't the case at all...I like to think I am pretty open minded when it comes to music, and so far there isn't a music genre that I have disliked completely. Of the different types and styles of music I have come across in my lifetime, there is not one that I haven't found at least a couple songs that I like. Sooo this post is dedicated to sharing a couple non-Korean songs that I have recently come to favor. Of course, these aren't my favorite non-Korean songs nor are they the /only/ non-Korean songs that I listen to but these are just some recent finds.


1. Taylor Swift - Enchanted
Ok, this one isn't actually a recent find but I still love it... I used to really hate Taylor Swift but it was kind of a guilty pleasure of mine to listen to this album of hers (Fearless) and this one was one of my favorites. I think a lot of people give her shit because she's not a teenager anymore but all of her songs are kind of about that immature first love sort of thing or fairytale-like romances that aren't exactly realistic...but honestly I like that aspect of her music because it's what we all want anyway, and sometimes hearing a song about innocence is a refreshing break from the regular music we hear that seem to be getting more and more vulgar by the day.


2. Faydee ft Lazy J - Laugh Until You Cry
This is a Romanian pop song that I found recently and I absolutely love it. I usually don't like pop songs but this one is so catchy and fun. I really like the singer's voice..anyway nothing much to say about this song except that it's really fun to sing along to ahah.


3. Sunrise Inc - Mysterious Girl
Okay so I found this one and the previous one because of the 4minute song "Volume Up" which has the same saxaphone melody at the beginning as this song but I think I actually like this song better...Anyway I like this song because it's really chill and fun to listen to and idk I just really like ittttt.


4. Aaron Smith - Dancin' (Krono Remix)
I think I discovered this on someone's 8tracks playlist and I really liked the sound; it's very chill and I think it might actually be a popular song originally? I'm not actually sure to be honest because I'm not really pop-culture knowledgeable but anyway I like this remix because it's relaxing and not distracting while studying.


5. Imagine Dragons - Demons
Ok, I'm cheating a little because I talk about this album a lot but I just looove this song. I listen to it like, every day literally. I feel like the lyrics are something that I can kind of connect to and I just really love Imagine Dragons' sound in general. They're coming to Austin in February and I'm considering buying tickets but ugh money. Anyway, great great great song! Personal fave.

Anyway there are just a couple of the songs I've been listening to in the past week that are not Korean...I'm always open to new music no matter the genre or language and I actually rather enjoy discovering new music that I didn't know about before so yeah I don't fear things that are different and I really wish people would stop judging me based on the fact that I listen to a lot of Korean music. I wish there weren't so many music stereotypes...people should be able to listen to whatever they want without being called "emo" or "preppy" or "a hick" you know? It just bothers me that for something that has sooo much variety, people are surprised that you can favor songs that aren't necessarily the same genre.

Also lately I have been keen to listening to a lot of ballads, and I really really want to find some good vocalists with great ballad songs where they really belt it you know but I haven't found many so far. Maybe I'll make a post about ballad songs but idk I'm not very knowledgeable about them either so I might sound ignorant.

Hopefully this post doesn't make me sound ignorant...though I'm not really always up to date with the current pop culture trends I think sometimes discovering music on your own is more special...

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Life Update Sort of

finished finals
arrived in KTX last night

Don't want to talk about finals to anyone don't want to talk about my semester don't want to 'catch up' with people tbh but at the same time i do want to hang out but whatever we'll see how this all goes

kinda feeling lazy
what a fucking surprise

peace

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Finals

To be honest today I don't even feel like a human being...
I haven't brushed my hair all day, and instead threw it into a very messy bun that would have fallen out a couple times were it not for the saving grace of a couple bobby pins I found laying around, I've been eating gold fish and drinking Starbucks Double Shot energy drinks and Arizona tea, I'm not wearing any makeup and have begin to break out, and sure I showered but changed right back into my pajamas and have been sitting at my desk studying for the entire day.
Yet, I don't feel like I have gotten anything done...like, I don't feel any more prepared than I did twelve hours ago, which is the most sad part.

Alright, study break over. Peace.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

School

Can I just like, drop out or something...this isn't fun...

Friday, December 6, 2013

Marry Him If You Dare Ending Thoughts

[SPOILER ALERT]

Song Rec Week of Dec 1

omgomgomg I love the songs I'm about to recommend sooo much.


Shinhwa: 그래
I loooove Shinhwa's album The Classic Vol. 11 but especially this song~ They have such powerful vocals I could literally listen to this all day.


Jaejoong: One Kiss
I'm kind of obsessed with Jaejoong right now and ugh this song I just love it. I love the rock feel and the way his voice sounds and how fucking like, powerful his voice is like he just belts it and it's wonderful. Such a unique song and soooo beautiful. I've literally been singing "Why didn't come my wayyyy" to my roommate all week and she probably hates it but oh well hehe


NELL - Boy - X
I've been listening to this all week oh my god it's just one of my favorite Nell songs..so beautiful with really heartbreakingly beautiful lyrics as well...Nell is always amazing but lately this one has been my favorite. I could listen to it in any mood ^^


VIXX's First Win 131206


I'm just....so...happy..right now...VIXX deserves this so much and they have worked so hard for us and this is just so precious...
N at the beginning: "Our Starlights have waited a long time, right? For making you wait we are very sorry....Thank you so much...." This made me tear up... they really care about their fans...
I wanted to see Leo's face because he is probably crying like crazy but of course he hid himself ;; EXO is so cute hugging them and whatnot and wow Ravi crying is so touching I'm just going to break down right now because this is the best thing that has happened to me this week TT I'm so proud of them...I really hope they continue to have successes like this...they deserve it..look how happy they are and surprised they are and wow ; ;
I just want to hug Leo he's such a baby T T

It's things like this that make me want to continue to support the artists and groups that I love because I know how hard they work and I know that when this kind of success happens they are proud and thankful and it means the world to them. I hope I can help them know that they deserve this kind of award.

빅스 사랑합니다!!!!

It's even trending on Twitter:

Trend it! #저주인형

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Stressed af

My grades are going to be terrible...
I'm sooo stressed and I'm so alone...everyone else has people to study with but my friends aren't in any of my classes....I'm just....I want to cry....

The Future

Sitting at Einstein Bros. Bagels and drinking a vanilla latte thinking about a lot of things all at once~
I have another test tomorrow and I'm almost at the point of giving up on everything but I know I won't because I'm too proud, and also too chicken...

I think about how in a lot of dramas, the girl's life is so hard but she still maintains good grades and a couple part time jobs and I wonder why the hell I can't do the same thing but then I realize it's because while I'm watching dramas other people are going out and getting shit done...

So I think, from now on I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to be one of those people and not spend money carelessly or on myself and I'm going to work out every day and I'm going to work and be social and get good grades and it's going to be wonderful...

But I don't...
Why don't I?

I think if you truly want something bad enough you'll go for it, right? I mean, I sit here and think about how badly I want something but I don't do anything about it. So does that mean I don't want it badly enough? Idk.

I think about how easy it would be to just...take my money and buy a plane ticket to anywhere....spend a few nights there...be alone..on my own...like I could do that you know? I'm 18...I'm allowed to do that...I don't even have to tell anyone. 
I am pretty sure I could efficiently make up a lie and just go do something outrageous on my own and no one would even know. But I won't.

But why? It sounds fun, it'd be an experience, a challenge...but I can probably say 100% that I won't do that. But I don't know why.

Like, I feel trapped by some...subconscious desire to be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend....despite the fact that I tell myself all the time to be spontaneous and focus on the things that I want to get out of life and not the things that other people expect of me, or the things that I know...

Honestly I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I have a dream like the next person but I know it's unattainable.....is that why I am not driven to do anything with myself?

I feel like I have become lazy in almost every aspect of my life...without inspiration or motivation...purely because of the fact that I deem things impossible from the start. Maybe that's why I don't do anything about the things that I want in life...it's not that I don't want them badly enough but it's because I don't have the faith in myself to accomplish them.

I want to impress myself, and show myself what I am capable of but I feel like there isn't much opportunity for this...HOW can I do this? How can I become the go-getter person that I used to be again?

I've been searching for years for the right inspiration..the right thing to really jump start myself back into my old way of thinking...but I just...haven't...found it....

And now I feel like it's too late....
I know that I'm the one hindering myself from accomplishing great things yet, I sit here and blame it on circumstance..convince myself that I'll do good things later....and remain unhappy...

How much longer will I continue to do this to myself...
Also, I hate Christmas music.

Image v Self Image

I absolutely hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight.
Do you honestly think I want to lose weight because I care what you think of my body? Hell no, it's because I want to feel comfortable with my own body. I honestly find it completely rude when other people think they can judge your decisions on what to eat, how much to eat, what diet you're on, how often you work out, how you workout, etc because all of those things involve personal decisions and making yourself feel good and it has nothing to do with other people. Don't judge me because I'm uncomfortable with my body, you have no right. I don't give a shit if every person in the whole goddamn world thinks I'm attractive, if I want to lose weight I'm going to do it.
There's nothing wrong with self-improvement and setting goals and such when related to food and exercise gives you something to feel accomplished about. Lately, I have been missing this sense of accomplishment that I used to have through other things. So why the hell can't I want to work out? It isn't because I'm conforming to society's judgment of beautiful, nor is it because I want to impress other people. I want to get fit and see progress and complete daily goals and weekly goals and monthly goals and feel proud of myself for them. I want to show myself that I can do it, so I can be confident in myself and comfortable with my body, regardless of what it looks like. Even if I look the same to other people, the fact that I put in effort and time into taking care of myself makes me look better to ME.
So fuck all those people who think they're doing you a favor by telling you that you're pretty anyway and don't need to work out. They make me feel guilty for wanting to, and that's pretty fucking messed up. I shouldn't have to feel judged for my decision to work out or not. No one has that right except me.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Morning Thoughts

Good morning
I have two tests today so while I want desperately to take a shower and paint my nails and go to my last KUSA meeting and sleep I'm up, studying and will be for today's entirety. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm even in school but it's ok
I ordered a GRANDE Chai tea latte, not a tall in a bigger cup but i guess that's just capitalism for you??
Uhh I want to post a November favorites buuut no time??
I also want to gif Changsub but that'll also have to wait...
uuuh I want a bagel
Anyway music is very relaxing~~~ I recommend Demons by Imagine Dragons ~

Monday, December 2, 2013

Personality Traits

Sometimes the aspects of other people that you swear will never be attributed to your own personality are the exact aspects of yourself that you choose to ignore, using others' demonstration of them as an excuse to ignore them in yourself. The sad thing is that everyone recognizes that this is true, yet still chooses to ignore the fact that it is true for themselves. We see it in other people; that boy over there swears he will never be like his father but is acting in the same way, that girl chastises others for their judgmental nature but is exactly the same herself....but for some reason accepting it in our own life is difficult. What I'm wondering is...are these traits inevitable or are they things we have control over...and if we have control to what extent is this control.......

idk, just thoughts

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Heirs Episode 1 & 2 Thoughts

I finally caved in and started to watch Heirs and despite all the bad things I have heard about it I rather like it so far? It's easy to watch and for a Romantic comedy it isn't that bad...I like the characters & I don't feel like it's rushed or anything so far but then again I've only watched two episodes. We'll see. I"m looking forward to a lot of cheesy greasy shit because I've stopped watching RomComs & the ones I do aren't really cheesy and I miss it! Anyway, it sort of bothers me that Lee Minho is 36 and playing an 18 year old but whatever he does a good job I guess. High school romances kind of bother me but this one seems to be okay~
Krystal is annoying as hell though...I cannot stand her acting AT ALL but I'll try and make it through it.
Uh..the whole way they convey Americans really pisses me off though...the thugs...the druggie....the fat men chasing them....the girl who works at a breakfast bar and fights with her abusive boyfriend...the men who ask to buy her body...like.......I understand stereotypes so it's not like I'm surprised but it's just a little offensive.
Anyway I know I'm late to the party because everyone is finishing Heirs and I am just starting but just give me a couple days and I'll be caught up ahaha.

Marry Him If You Dare Thoughts

[ NO SPOILERS ]

So I started watching Marry Him If You Dare last week and have caught up since and to be honest the drama is just sort of confusing...not in the sense that the plot is hard to follow because it really isn't but more that they don't really develop the romance between the characters very well and they just kind of jump into it so it's hard for me to decide which man is the better choice. I feel like in most dramas it takes a couple episodes to really develop the relationships between characters but in this one it was like...twenty minutes...and you're supposed to believe that they're in love...like whaat? Regardless the drama is really cute but so far it has been kind of disappointing for reasons I will clarify below~ But I like the whole concept; it's a common question: If you could go back in time and change your actions would you? but it's not overdone.

[ SPOILERS ]


Thanksgiving

Uh quick Thanksgiving update...
I ate a lot and really need to start working out again because I've been unhappy with this body for like, years now but my ~issues~ keep coming back and idk that's just an excuse tbh I'm actually just really lazy but anyway!

My sister is having a baby boy and she is going to name him Alexander, Xander for short. I kind of wanted this name for my own child but that isn't happening any time soon so it's fine. Meanwhile I follow Third Wave Xander on Instagram so it's kinda funny but anyway

her husband and his brother are also here and for the last two nights I have slept on the floor of my younger sister's room which isn't so bad until the morning when my back kind of hurts but it's fine. I might sleep on the chair today or maybe the sofa but the cats use the sofa to sleep and I don't want to disrupt them.

Anyway I went black Friday shopping and got yoga pants but I really want some boots but they were all sold out wahhh. Hopefully I'll find some cheap ones soon.

Being back here is weird because, particularly in this room, I spent so much time upset or sick or bothered in the past few years here and it seems strange that the world has moved on since then.

But yeah, Thanksgiving was good food was yummy and family is nice.

Good night. (jk its like 2 but im gna watch more kdramas)

Friday, November 29, 2013

Late Night Thoughts

I've realized that no matter what you say or do, people are going to believe what they want.
Regardless of whether or not your words are true or have merit, people are going to use them against you.
They'll even go as far as to make up evidence, convince their friends and other people that they are right as justification for holding that belief (there's power in numbers i guess), or indirectly insult people just as excuses for being rude, stubborn, jealous, narrow-minded or for ignoring their own problems and focusing on other people.

But in life, that's not going to get you anywhere. If you waste your time focusing on what you don't like about other people, you are ignoring yourself, ignoring opportunity for your own improvement. It may be easier to put other people down in the moment but in the end it gets you nowhere. They're still going to do what they do and you can talk about it all you want but most likely that isn't going to change.

In my own life I have realized this later than I should, and now when I see it in others it hurts knowing that they may end up like me. I've experienced both ends of this, like most people do, and I think a lot of people stubbornly refuse to accept the fact that they are wrong.

Today I was thinking about how far I have come since high school and despite my many, many mistakes, I feel proud knowing I made my way through it all. Yet, still, even until now, there are things that continue to bother me, haunt me, and have made me close my heart off to things I know I should accept.
I will say, however, that certain decisions that I have made have been the best choice I could have made, I just should have done them sooner.

It surprises me how other people can stay the same...here I am...feeling like I have changed so much...but maybe I haven't at all. Maybe I am the same...because when I look at others, nothing is different. I'm just glad I am not the one they are hurting anymore.

I'm glad I avoided any serious harm though...I never made decisions that put me in dangerous positions and for that I am proud. It feels good knowing that i have stood up for myself and recognized that I was not mature enough for some things before doing them. Even though I was pressured for months, and criticized on both ends, and even though a lot of times I was vague about what I wanted, I never did anything that went against my morals, and isn't that something to be proud of?

What I'm wondering is, does that make me more immature than others? Or more mature for realizing that I was immature?

OOOOh life does not make sense at times.

I think I am just the type of person who instead of trying to make a situation better just endures it...I always think to myself, "just endure for this much longer and you can rest" instead of thinking of how to make that time easier for myself. I think this is a blessing and a curse...


Anyway...last thought...I know this has just been all over the place but yeah ok
I was told that all my tweets are me hating life and...it kind of made me sad...I don't want people to see that side of me; even though I am hurting I don't want people to pity me. It bothers me when other people look down on me or 'recognize' my depression...that's something I want to keep to myself. I know tweeting about it may seem like a call for attention but I didn't know any other way to cleanse without venting to people which I try to avoid at all costs. This is one reason I made this blog and also one reason I deleted my twitter.
I hope people in the future will see me as a happy person, and recognize that, like everyone, I have been through a lot, but I am still strong. The last thing I want to be seen as is weak.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Those Days


131125 Music Rec

idk I just like writing down songs I like when I think of them & hear them after a while you know


1. Bigbang - Top of the World
This used to be my all time favorite song until certain situations changed that buuut anyway this is still one of my favorite Bigbang songs...I especially love how fucking high Daesung can take his voice and still sound beautiful so yeah this is a really impressive and catchy song and it is very dear to my heart.


2. HITT - I'll Always Love You
When HITT debuted I fell in love with them and was extremely upset to find out that they broke up but this song is really pretty and adorable. Their cover of "Just the Way You Are" is also amazing buuut this is actually their song so yeah. Anyway I absolutely love this song because it's sweet & pretty & they have great vocals ^^

3. Matchbox Twenty - How Far We've Come
In junior high/early high school I really liked this song because it always came on during my gymnastics practices and would remind me that I need to go far in life to prove that living is worth it. I still really like this song because of the message it has, and also because it is so nostalgic for me.


4. LED Apple - With the Wind
This is a relatively new song but it's beautiful; Hanbyul's voice is irresistible & he shows off his vocals really well here. Not much else to say except I really like this song.


5. APeace - One
Talk about great vocals & harmonization...I love this song because it's beautiful and makes me feel peaceful. It came on shuffle the other day and I freaked out & felt all warm and fuzzy inside so I had to include it. Beautiful song. I wish APeace was given more attention. I love a lot of their songs but this one especially.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Dreams

Lately, my dreams have been extremely vivid and require extreme psychological investment and honestly I feel like they are taking a huge emotional toll on me. I wake up either crying or gasping or even it's to the point where I feel /bad/ for waking up like I feel like I've wronged the people in my dream by ending it if that makes any sense.

The other week I had a really terrible dream and while I don't really remember it now, the entire day I felt like I wasn't there...like everything felt so foreign and weird and it was like I wasn't even alive or moving or doing things at all it was the strangest thing.

I know I have strange sleep habits and have been known to talk in my sleep but it's getting kind of scary for me because sometimes I can't remember if things happened in a dream or in real life and I hate it soo much like I know that is kind of normal and happens to a lot of people but damn! I dream almost every night and they are always vivid and long and involve life changing decisions and I wake up feeling emotionally drained and I haven't even started the day.

I don't know if it is my lack of excitement in my life lately or what but something is causing me to have some pretty scary fucking dreams and it's freaking me out.


On another note, as for like "life dreams" and goals and shit, I'm kind of not exactly sure what mine are like...
Everyone has dreams that they know are unattainable and no matter how much you say "anything is possible" there are some things that just aren't going to happen with the resources you have but like
What is more important?
Like I have several 'dream jobs' or things I would love to do before I get too old to do them..like there are plenty of experiences I want to have before I graduate college and plenty of things I want to do but like, I know for a fact I can't do them so should I chase after the impossible or should I like, just stick with what I know I can do?

Honestly I hate studying and I really dislike school and if I were to have it my way I would drop out and get a job and save money to travel and shit but like that's just ridiculous.
And like /duh/ everyone dreams of going to Korea and studying abroad and shit but like how reasonable is it for me to assume that that is possible for me??? It probably won't happen....

Like idk I just feel like I'm not really going anywhere in life or doing anything that I really truly want to but at the same time I should be thankful just for the fact that I'm in a really good school and that I'm passing and shit but it's like that kind of stuff I honestly have lost interest in and I just want /other/ things for myself but that is selfish you know? IDK

I'm confused about a lot of things and it annoys me that I don't know who I am or what I want.

ohhh wellllll.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Life Update !!

This week has been a little strange but nonetheless kind of fun since I kept myself busy. I just worry about my diet; I haven't really had a real meal in a while so maybe tomorrow I will reverse that. We'll see. Anyway, Tuesday VIXX released their video and I was kind of freaking out about it all day and then I had a KUSA meeting where we watched Speedy Scandal which was a really funny adorable movie and I liked it and now I finally know where this gif came from laughs.

Wednesday I went to a friend's place to bake and it was kind of a fail; we used a pot instead of a bowl and then aluminum foil instead of a cookie sheet...Anyway the cookies didn't turn out that great but oh well. Then I went to a jazz concert for my friend because he couldn't go and it was for a grade or something so anyway I sat through that which was interesting and it made me slightly miss doing music but at the same time I feel like I made the right decision by giving it up, you know?

Thursday a girl in my class and I fangirlled a lot about VIXX and kpop and shit and it was nice..it's kinda funny how all of the friends that I make are because of kpop ^^ At first I felt really lame because of that but a friend of mine told me that people make friends because of similar interests and there is nothing wrong with that so I'm just going to own it and be proud of that aspect of me. Thennnn, I hung out with a friend and then studied for my Microeconomics midterm which was today, so I bought two Monsters (oops) and stayed up really late studying then woke up early to study again so I'm kind of tired.

It was SO COLD today like literally I was freezing my fucking ass off and I forgot an umbrella so I had to go to class all wet because it was raining and literally I was dripping wet onto my paper. So I made a point to go home and get an umbrella before my midterm and it was just a really bad test and I didn't even finish and I'm REALLY upset with myself about it but I'm trying not to think about it.

Anyway so then me and my friend decided to go catch a movie so we caught a bus that had a transfer except the bus we needed to transfer on was like...30 minutes late so we basically stood in the freezing rain for an hour waiting for it which was unpleasant. I felt really bad because this lady and her 2 year old child were waiting for us and not really wrapped in warm clothing and then they missed the bus when it finally came T T

Anyway we made our way to the mall and had some pretzels and then watched Thor which was pretty much good all because of Loki (criessss fangirllinggggg). Then we headed back and on the bus back this man was talking to us about super heroes and it was actually a super interesting experience because I was thinking about it and like, people are not scary at all I don't know why people get the notion that living in a big city needs to be scary and shit like all the people I see on the bus are really friendly and shit and I'm sure there are bad people too but like, why should I just assume that everyone is going to try to rob me or something like there's nothing wrong with being friendly and careful at the same time you know?

Like this guy was legit talking passionately and I mean /passionately/ about super heroes and his opinions and whatnot and like he pulled out a fucking copy of Iron Man from his backpack and I was like why does he keep that in there but like it was really funny and like I was having a normal human conversation with this stranger old man and it wasn't scary at all like he's just a person you know?

The more I experience people here in Austin the less afraid I am of people I mean there have been a few instances where I really was frightened but for the most part people are generally accepting and leave you alone even if they're initially kind of freaky.

The only time I've legit been scared was when some man downtown followed me around asking me if I wanted some of his cigarette like he legit followed us across the street and stuff and I was really freaked out but other than that I think I've handled the stranger thing pretty well like I talk to people and am respectful and I think that's a lot better than assuming theyre bad people and judging them.......

Idk like lately I've just been really angry when people judge people based on the way they live or act like I don't think anyone has the right to judge people because you don't know what they've gone through or what kind of situation they are in so what gives you the right to judge them like idk.

Lately it has been kind of a goal of mine to just smile at people I see even if they intimidate me because tbh I just find people really interesting like everyone is so /different/ it's crazy idK but yeah sometimes I smile at people and they look at me funny T T But then for some reason I get really embarrassed around people I know and look away so I'm confused why is it easier with strangers than other people ahahaha ok im rambling on

ANYway so now I am in my dorm and I might watch the MAMAs oorrr I might watch a drama or who knows what

That is all for now goodbye ~~~

Currently listening to: Mr. Mr. - Do You Feel Me


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Pitiful

Sometimes I make myself out to be a really pitiful person instead of being strong or whatever in front of people even though in reality I am a lot more hardheaded and I don't actually pity myself like

I guess sometimes I just want people to feel sorry for me even though I don't really have a reason?

But like, at the same time it's like...
I don't need people to pity me, I'm totally fine handling my problems and shit on my own

So idk why I do it but instead of like, voicing my anger or whatever about things I turn it around and make it less about the things causing me pain and more about /me/ causing painful things to happen.

idk if any of that makes sense but it does to me/

Chubby Chubby~

Honestly sometimes I think I'm just destined to be chubby

I don't even like food that much
I like eating healthy and exercising tbh

But like
I'm so much chubbier now than I was a month ago and it sucks so much
like dammnn I need to start working out regularly again and not eating out
but then friends are like yo lets go eat and im like uhhh ok
and then like im about to go bake cookies for an event but like
you gotta try the ones you make ya know
damn it haha

131120 Music Rec

I haven't done one of these in awhile sooo~


1. Imagine Dragons - Every Night

"Searching to find myself, but all I find is you. I can hardly stand myself. So what am I to you?" Love this line! Wonderful song on a wonderful album.


2. Jade Valerie & Brian Joo - Don't Tell Me I'm Wrong

One of my all time favorite songs. I love their combination of voices and I feel the lyrics are easy to connect with.


3. VIXX - Only U

Of course I have to include a VIXX song... This was released the day before I saw them and since then I've been listening to it nonstop it's a really, really great song and the video is aesthetically wonderful. VIXX definitely fits any concept they're given haha.


4. Jaejoong - 

Currently my favorite song, especially to listen to on my way to class. I especially love the rock feel and I feel like it suits Jaejoong extremely well. This whole album is amazing!


5. Untouchable - Only You

Huge fan of Untouchable & especially this song! Lately it's been one of my favorites to listen to before I go to sleep. Very sweet and beautiful~

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Self? Or...

I started writing about a fictional character and then after awhile I kind of realized I was writing about myself and it scared the shit out of me

I guess it's kind of silly like
I know my flaws and I'm well aware of the fact that I think too logically and that I'm ridiculously prideful and somewhat judgmental but instead of admitting it to myself and changing it I transferred the guilt I feel about these things to a fictional character

But that makes it even more hilarious like
here I am admitting these things and like I /know/ that they're true and all yet I still continue to convince myself that I'm just strong-willed or independent and I'm probably going to continue to do that when I close out of this tab and it's just so weird like how can it be so simple to understand and embrace these things but so difficult to get over them...

Like I guess I convince myself that these are just aspects of my personality that don't need to be changed but do they? Like I should probably be less selfish and jealous all the time but instead of practicing that I just let it go with the excuse that it's just how I am but like is it? Or am I just convincing myself that that's who I am when in reality I'm just being stubborn even about that like oh my goodness I don't even know what I'm doing!

It's like kind of trippy

Do I really have cynical views towards love and romantic relationships or am I just a romantic hiding behind the cynicism????
Is it really that difficult for me to think emotionally or do I just force myself to think logically to ignore the fact that I am far too emotional about things??
Am I really shy and awkward or do I just use that as an excuse not to show the world how opinionated and outspoken I am about things????
Do I really care about school more than most things or do I use school as an excuse not to care about other things???
Am I just afraid of my personality? Or am I so comfortable with my personality that I don't feel like I need other people to see it???
Do I try too hard and pretend oblivion because I want people to accept me and agree with me or is it because I'm too afraid to speak my mind and be disagreed with???
Are my opinions so strong that I feel the need to argue against other people or is it that my opinions are so weak that I'll just argue against anything?

Like damn! I don't even knnooowww lol
i hope no one I know reads this because oops..awk...

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Funny

I'm insanely good at hiding things from people it scares me

Winter Dream Tea Latte

Oh my GOD I just have to like talk about this because it's perfect but today I was really craving a Chai Tea Latte and I didn't want Starbucks because their drinks are never really all that great and they're expensive as shit so I went to The Coffee Bean and there was this drink called the Winter Dream Tea Latte on the menu so I asked the lady what it was and she let me smell it and it smelled delicious and also she said it was a Chai plus some wintery flavors so I thought why not right so I bought it and it was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted plus it's really fucking cold outside so like the hot tea was perfect and ohmygoodness I want another one but I'll go some other day but anyway thought I would share that the Winter Dream Tea Latte is probably the best thing ever so yeah goodbye

Monday, November 11, 2013

Bragging

Lately I haven't really been doing as well as I want to in school and it's been extremely disappointing and depressing but today I received my test score for my first microeconomics midterm and I did a lot better than the average. I was kind of worried because I didn't study as well for this exam than the initial exam but I didn't do that much worse!
The first test I made 27/30 and this one I did 25/30 so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for understanding the material. It's the one class I feel comfortable in so I thought I would just brag a bit ^^ I hate an A hehe yay.

Next semester I am finally moving on from the "basic" requirements of all university students and on to the lower level Business courses and I am sooo excited to finnaalllly be taking classes about things I like ^^ No more science, no more Calculus, no more history save one art history class I'm taking to fulfill a core requirement but oh my god then I am done and moving on to better things.

I think you know you're in the right major when you're excited about your schedule.

My roommate is taking like 5 science courses and that sounds terrible to me but she's like uber excited. That's what I love about college, the fact that there's something for everyone and everyone can finally pursue the things that they love and are good at. I'm hoping that from here on out I will be doing things that I like to do.

I am considering joining a gymnastics club here; I know it's been forever since I did any sort of athletic club but I want to sooo badly. I'm hoping there is a tumbling class or something and I'm going to seek one out for next semester.

Also, I decided I am going to try and join a whole bunch of cultural groups next semester, because if I am going to be a good, successful businessperson I want to be open minded and try and understand different cultures other than my own and Korean culture. Lately I have been drawn to Japanese culture and I considered taking Japanese but they aren't offering it this semester and that's a lot of hours that I would rather fill with other more relevant classes anyway but anyway the point is that I want to try and expand my repertoire of knowledge of other cultures.

Also, I am considering International Business as my major and though I'm not completely sure I think this will be the route I take. I might double major and do something else too but I haven't decided.

A friend told me I would make a good lawyer because I have good reasoning skills and am logical ((cough unemotional cough)) and I thought that was kind of funny. It's true in a way but I would never consider law just because I don't feel like the system is really all that fair. Who am I to judge...

Ok, that wraps up my life post.

If you're reading this, don't be defeated from yourself!

- H M J

Life

Imagine waking up every morning with notifications on your phone, looking in the mirror and seeing a pretty face and skinny body, opening your closet and finding beautiful, cute clothing, getting calls from people who want to talk to you, going to a job you enjoy where you are doing what you love and doing it well, being recognized by people for your talents, being able to be yourself and choose what kind of person you want people to see you as, being proud of your individuality, accepting your flaws, going out to nice places to eat, not having to worry about money, not being bored, having places to be at night, having people to take photos with and not worrying about what angle the camera is at because you're happy with how you look at any angle, having stories to tell, fun things to do, people to meet, places to go, people to fall in love with you, people to fall in love with...being happy...

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Food

For some reason every time I eat meat, or like a real meal instead of just snacks and things my stomach starts getting churny and it flips and does weird things and it feels like I need to throw up or something like that and it makes noises and stuff and it's gross and I feel embarrassed because it's literally after every time I eat and I don't understand why...it's been like this for like a couple years and I used to think it was just because I was having anxiety issues but even like, in the comfort of my dorm I'm just like..I feel disgusting after eating....I know I should eat but when I do it's like discomfort for hours and I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything so I feel like I shouldn't and ugH it's frustrating and idek why this is like a paragraph it was supposed to be one sentence goodbye

Saturday, November 9, 2013

VIXX Milky Way Galaxy Showcase in Dallas, TX Fan Account

Today was beyond amazing and omg I really hope I don't forget any important details I'm still kind of processing the whole thing but I'll try before I forget things alTHOUGH IDK HOW I COULD EVER FORGET THIS NIGHT OH MY GOd

Ok so. We got to the venue about 2 and a half hours before it started which was like, an hour before the doors opened and there were already a lot of people there...I saw fyeah-vixx and withvixx and they were giving out cute little banners to hold up after VIXX introduced themselves in the concert and balloons to hold up during Starlight. We kind of waited around and admired everyone's clothing (literally everything was kpop related) and saw some impressive fan arts and it was really adorable because so many people had gifts and art and were wearing VIXX related clothing and one girl was wearing a ROVIX dress and I thought that was adorable oh my goodness.

Then I found some friends from UT and said hello and then it started getting closer to the time when the doors opened so I was kind of freaking out and trying to contain myself but just thinking about the fact that I was literally standing outside the building that VIXX were in was just insane I couldn't take it. I went down and found replayreplayshop and picked up my order and put it on and oh my god it is comfortable and cute i LOVE it.

Anyway by then it was getting dark and the doors were LITERALLY about to open we were counting down minutes and everyone was kind of pressed against the doors and stuff and crowding around them... then this lady came out with a camera and started videotaping so naturally we all kind of started chanting and flashing our banners and stuff and the thing was this lady was literally two feet away from me there was one other person between us oh my goodness and then the lady was like "Do you know VIXX TV?" and she pointed to the camera and we all cheered because we realized that she was filming for VIXX TV and so we did what she told us to and it was a loud crazy glob of fangirls and she videotaped us chanting for VIXX and if it weren't for some tall girl in front of me i would have been in the front row.

I really hope they include this in VIXX TV even for just a second because that would mean the world to me. Anyway, after she left a man came out and told us to get into two lines which was impossible...I was squished and uncomfortable for a couple seconds and then finally he opened the doors and let people in.

I was literally one of the first people in the venue so I rushed to the merchandise table and bought VIXX folders and a lightstick and recieved a free poster. Then I found a giant VIXX poster and took some selcas with VIXX's faces and stuff which was fun because I knew that I wasn't going to get to take a picture with VIXX so this was fine. I especially like the one of me and Ravi because wow bias.

Then, finally, they opened the doors to the actually stadium thing and let us in and I was surprised at how small it was; it wasn't that it was unbearably small it was just a lot smaller than I expected...which also meant my seats were way closer than I thought. Literally, I could see perfectly! I was in the second row of the second section but the first row remained empty the whole time so I had a great view of the stage without anyone blocking it in front of me (aka perfect seat).

I talked to a couple people and was surprised at how many recent fans there were...I felt like I was the only one who loved them since debut...I know that isn't true but it was weird to talk to people who have only liked them for a couple months and seemed like just as good a fan as me. I saw some fanboys and a couple of them were talking about how they  felt out of place hahaha. But whatever anyway they posted on the screen that photos weren't allowed and I heard that they really crack down on this so it made me kind of sad and then the guy announced that if you did take photos you would be asked to leave so I didn't want to risk it. I should've taken like just one just for me but oh well T T

When the show finally started it was such a tease...they would change the screen and we would go crazy but they wouldn't come out and I was like oh my god when is this going to start but finally the lights went down and you could see shadows entering the stage and naturally I was screaming my lungs out.

Then they performed On & On and when the music started my heart was pounding and I was kind of shaking and it was an amazing performance to be honest I started crying, it was just....they were so real. All of the members were there...in front of me...human...and it was just such a powerful experience I was shaking and screaming and laughing and crying and it was wonderful. I really honestly could not believe it was happening. At that moment I thought, "It's worth it. The years I have dedicated to fandom are worth it." Ravi's rap was perfect and their dance was amazing and powerful and it was unbelievable how good they are. Like seeing them all in flesh and stuff is sooo neat...just like...the way that they move and their dance it was a million times more impressive than it is on my computer screen i don't even know how to put it into words correctly.

They sang Light it Up next and wow Hyuk can really move his hips. I couldn't help but stare at him during this performance. That song is really good and it was awesome to see everyone waving their light sticks and singing along and I was really glad to see everyone so excited. I hope VIXX realized how many fans they have! Light it Up is such a good song and it was so fun like it was just this energized performance and it got us all excited and screaming like crazy.

When VIXX introduced themselves in English it was really cute and I was expecting Ken to do gross aegyo but he didn't he just introduced himself as main vocal Ken. We were supposed to sing happy birthday to Leo after his intro but there was no time!

Hakyeon introduced that Leo would be giving us a present, and Leo bowed 90 degrees and left the stage. I think N just kind of talked about the Milky Way Galaxy and asked us to name the showcase and stuff and was being really cute and talking to us and stuff and it was kind of annoying because Ravi was trying to tell us about his solo stage and the translator wasn't being very reliable but Ravi kept laughing when the translator didn't say anything and repeating himself until it was translated it was really fucking cute.

At this time they started talking about how it was like being in the United States and stuff and Hongbin was saying that they were in Fort Worth yesterday or something filming like they did in Sweden. At this point there was an old lady sitting in front of me and she turned around and said that they were in Fort Worth filming and she was their bus driver. She told us they dressed as Cowboys and then on stage Hongbin said, "Dallas Cowboys" or something and I screamed because I didn't hear all of what was being said on stage but combined with what she told me it was like ogsjdkfd; oh my god. And then she said, "Bet you wish you knew theyda been there huh?"

Duh.

So Leo's solo stage. He started out just playing piano and then he got up and walked around and stuff while singing and he was wearing all black (naturally) and that boy can sing wow. He really put a lot of soul into it and it was really great to see him doing a solo stage. After he was done he just kind of bowed and left and it was really cute to be honest.

Ravi's solo stage was PERFECT I cannot begin to explain how amazing his stage was. His shirt said "YO" on it and he was wearing a hat and his song was just so party-like and fun and the kind of song you jump up and down to and stuff and he rapped perfect and I really hope they put this song on their album oh my goodness. His dancing was flawless; he was doing some real hip hop moves and like oh my goodness he is just so cool. I couldn't believe he was there like literally I was screaming so much and nearly crying the girl next to me was like "Oh my god you're really freaking out!" I think at that moment I really knew he was for sure my bias LOL. Honestly I felt like i was going to collapse I could barely keep myself straight I was shaking and it was really fucking good. I was really getting down tbh and I just kind of let myself go which I think was the best feeling ever because Ravi was really into it and I was really into it and jumping and dancing and screaming and fist pumping and I felt really free. Ravi's performance was incredibly his style and also very impressive. He looked like he was having so much fun and it was perfect.

Hongbin and Hyukkie pulled a girl from the audience and serenaded her, doing a sort of skit where they were "fighting" over her and it was soooo good. They made use of technology and did cool things with the screen and stuff and Hongbin flashed his abs....Hyuk nearly grinded on the girl he was dancing sexy and came up to right next to her and did like a body roll, hip thrust thing and i was like wow if I were her I would be dead. Hongbin at one point threw confetti over her and at the end they held roses to her and asked her to pick one and she picked HongbiN???? WHY??? Ok just kidding I love Hongbean but like Hyuk was so perfect. His hair was flawless and his clothes oh my god they were both wearing really skinny jeans and Hyuk's skin is kind of tan actually? idk he just looked really good and when he smiled it was adorable. At one point the girl didn't know if she was supposed to get up or what and he kind of motioned for her to stay put and I was like aww he's cute. I kept thinking about how he is my age and it made it more real that he is actually a human being oh my goodness. Since he lost he threw candies at the audience but he's weak so he didn't throw far enough just kidding but I didn't catch one.

Ken's stage was perfect as well he was wearing black pants and black leather shorts over them which was adorable and a plaid red and black shirt and he was really fucking good. I love Ken but i don't feel like I really paid enough attention to this performance because I dont' remember it much....:c Honestly I don't remember much of Ken from the showcase so I feel bad because I really love Ken!
Last was Hakyeon's blindfold dance and WOW it was really good....that man is flexible....and he did the whole thing blindfolded I cannot believe it. He was so good and so sexy and it was just a really good dance I was impressed because usually I don't think of VIXX as very good dancers but he nailed it! I noticed he wasn't wearing shoes and like it really felt like he was a dancer LOL idk.

I think at this point was when they played a video about their journey...from children to today and it was touching and special and I was crying because VIXX has come so far and honestly they weren't very confident in themselves but they just work so hard... and then...oh my god....they sang Super Hero....I was literally just in shock at how perfect it was...that song is really close to my heart and I was singing every word with them and it was one of the best experiences of my life. Their outfits were adorable; Hyuk was wearing a ROVIX sweatshirt like me except his was red but i was like ohmygod we match hahaa and Ravi was dressed in some weird sweatpant/Tshirt with an old man drawn on it/sweatshirt around waist combination which was strange but so cute. I don't remember what the other members were wearing but they all looked cute together. Super Hero was the best performance of the night for me because it made me feel really special ^^

After that I /believe/ was when they brought a corkboard with sticky notes from fans on stage and members picked questions to read off. Hakyeon told us, "Firstly, sit down." and we all said, "Ye~!" it was cute.
At that time N kept wiping his forehead and underneath his eyes and at first I thought maybe he was crying but now I realize he was just really sweaty! Jaehwan said something to him and he said "Ye?" but I didn't make out what they were talking about but they appeared on screen talking to each other and it was kinda cute ^^

Then N kept telling Starlights to be quiet so they could start but we were trying to sing Leo happy birthday so finally he caught ona nd started singign too and Leo at first loked really confused but when he realized it he dropped his head down and got all embarrassed and was hiding his face so that we couldn't see that he was laughing and it was adorable. He was smiling sooo much but he was trying not to show it. It was adorable!

Then Hakyeon or Ravi or both ? i dont remember but one of them said something about Hyuk after we sang and the translator didn't repeat it so we were kind of unsure about what was going on but I think they were talking about Hyuk's birthday? I'm not sure. Ravi kept laughing because of the awkwardness because no one knew what they were talking about.

When Hongbin was picking notes from fans to read aloud Hakyeon kept going "Hmmm....." like he was rushing Hongbin and it was really funny. Hongbin took forever and all of his were like "VIXX I LOVE YOU" and he would answer "Me too I love you" and things like that and he was being really cute when he smiles he looks really asian and his eyes are really adorable. Hakyeon said, "Why does Hongbin english very well?" which was HILARIOUS. Hongbin replied, "English is fun." and at this moment there were a lot of English things going on that I didn't catch but yeah.

When Hyuk was picking N was doing the same thing except Jaehwan joined him and was making sounds of cars passing by like he likes to do and it was cute and funny. Hyuk picked a question that asked him to rap how he feels right now and he decided to rap battle with Ravi. I think Hongbin? told Ravi to stand but then everyone stood and they got embarrassed and told us to sit back down it was cute!

Ravi was like "just Korean " and kind of smiled and blushed and it was SO CUTE i think he was embarrassed but it was adorable. He kept smiling and laughing and blushing and I was like oh my dear god you're adorable. Ravi's freestyle rap was really good as usual..but Hyuk's response was hilarious. I didn't understand completely but he was kind of just saying random things at one point he said "If I was your boyfriend" and then "I'm not afraid" and it was just hilarious it had Ravi almost on the floor laughing which made it even better. He kind of just said lines to popular English songs in a row like he was rapping but it was just really funny!

Then Hakyeon said "Me now" or something along those lines and he picked some questions and one was "N, Will you marry me?" He read it out and then said, "And then....next... 'Ken, Hongbin, Hyuk, Leo, Ravi, hello!" Then he made a face like 'annoyed' that they left him out or something and it was hilarious because I actually thoguht that the person who wrote it left him out but then he was like "N, will you marry me? And Ken, Hongbin, Hyuk, Leo, Ravi." Originally he made it sound like two different sticky notes but it was all on one so it was funny... So N was like "No!"  and we all laughed. Then he said, "I'm still young," and then you could hear Jaehwan say, "I'm ready!" which was really funny and we all cheered lol.

After that, N said there was something we didn't ask but they would do anyway which was girl group dances...so they asked what kind of music there is in Dallas and played some girl groups songs and then they danced to I Got A  Boy and oh my GOD Leo was so awkward. I kept watching him because I knew he didn't do VIXX girls and I wanted to see how he did but he was lost and kept looking at Ravi for help and it was soo funny. N stopped and told Leo to do it right so they tried again and then N got mad again and spanked Ravi for some reason I didn't catch...and then they tried it again and I think N said, "One more time." and then that time he stopped again for some reason I don't remember...maybe it was something Ken did? idk. Anyway, then he was like "Ok one more time" and they did more of the song but they weren't very good at it save Hyuk who can really move his hips. I was dying he looked so good. The rest of them didn't seem to remember the dance or weren't trying very hard but Hyuk and I think Hongbin maybe were good at it. I thought Ken would be all over that shit but he didn't seem too into it ?

Then ROVIX came on screen and told VIXX they had a mission command to show us something never shown before so naturally they made Leo do kwiyomi. Leo covered his face the whole time and didn't really do it very well but the rest of VIXX was really into it and Leo was being really cute.

Then Ravi did kwiyomi and he was SO CUTE his face came on screen and I was dying he's so attractive. The best thing about Ravi tonight was the fact that he was just smiling...all the time.....

Oh one random note...there was a lot of booty showing tonight for some reason. Hongbin especially..ahaha and he doesn't even have a butt! During the I Got A Boy Jaehwan shook his butt and we went crazy lolol.
Anyway, after that ROVIX told them to  teach us choreo so N said, "Ravi teacher!" And Ravi stepped out and taught us one part of Rock Ur Body which is really easy (the "Rock your body body, rock your body body part with the arm rolls) and then he said, "It's easy right" and we said, "Yes!" so he said "Good students." in English!!!! WHICHW AS SO CUTE I SWEAR RAVI IS JUST ADORABLE. N told us to dance it when they sing it later.

Also, when N said "Ravi teacher" it made me think about his name "Ravi" like ok idk why but like I always have the urge to call him Rabi because it's a cuter version of Ravi and it's kind of how they pronounce it anyway..but yeah so Rabbi in Hebrew means teacher and I know they're pronounced differently but I was like OH MY GOD for a moment because it was cool but yeah idk? I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS COOL.
Next they said they had another gift for us which was the Starlight song and we all waved our balloons and I'm pretty sure they shined the light on us so that VIXX could see us waving our balloons in the air and stuff which was so sweet it was like a sea of yellow and it was touching. I really love the fact that all these Starlights were all together showing our love for VIXX ^^

I think next was Rock Your Body, which was really fun because we were all dancing with them and it is originally a fun song. It was cool to see the choreography so close; I never realized how awesome it is. It was really, really very neat! I was jumping around and having fun and singing along and it was really awesome to hear that song because it is one of my faves. They put a whole bunch of pacman like graphics on the screen which made it even better. We all danced the choreo Ravi taught us and you could see him smiling ^^ IT WAS AWESOME.

After that the stage went dark and they all said thank you so I was worried that it was over....they had to go change so they took awhile to come back so we were all kind of worried that it was done you know? Anyway everone was chanting "WE LOVE VIXX!" and "ENCORE!" and some people were stomping which I found rude but oh well. They came back on and performed Hyde but it was a remix Hyde and it was just SO COOL! Everyone was singing along and I was too and it was just a really good performance of Hyde. I'm not a fan of the eyeliner look on them so I was happy that it was just a nice performance idk. Hyde is such a good song and everyone was singing and it was just GREAT. After that I think they said some things but I don't remember what exactly it was that they said and then they announced that it was their final song... T T

They sang gr8u and it was perfect and amazing and Ravi's rap was great and at this point I was trying to soak up all the VIXX I could in so little time and it just went by so quickly and I didn't want it to be done and it was....and I was immediately sad to be honest..they walked off stage and Ravi went the wrong way (he was headed off stage down to the seats instead of backstage) and when he realized his mistake he laughed cutely and ran away and waved goodbye and idk he was just being so adorable tonight i cannot believe how cute he was. As they were leaving I couldn't help but think this may be the last time I ever see them....it might be the single time I ever see them..the only..time...so it made me really sad to see them disappear one by one behind the curtain.

The announcer then told us that under the seats there were wristbands for winners of a photo with VIXX and I was really mad because the girl LITERALLY right next to me got one. :c
I looked through other seats to find one but I didn't and a guy told me to leave so I had to T T sighs.

One thing I kept thinking throughout the concert was WOW these guys are REAL. They're human  beings. With Hyuk especially I kept looking at him thinking this guy is my age. It was really special to be able to experience something like that and I really hope that VIXX appreciates their USA fans. I had the time of my life and I am so thankful for the experience and I hope that I get the chance to do it again.
One thing that I hope happens if I ever go again is sitting by people I know..

I was worried that it would be scary and crazy and confusing when I got there but everyone was really nice and we were all just crazy fangirls so it was easy to talk to the people around me but like
I would rather spazz with people I know ya know
Anyway I'm still glad I got the chance to see VIXX

They're really, really beautiful people and I think they're just adorable and hilarious.
I definitely solidified the fact taht I am Ravi biased but Hyuk is still, as always, messing with me =3
It made me mad because I heard some girls talking about how they don't like Jaehwan and it sort of pissed me off the way they said they didn't like him because of his dumbness on screen? They said he is "bearable" now after seeing him in person because they know his dumbness is him joking but I think that's so rude to say...like that's just his personality he likes to be funny and weird and who are they to judge IDK. "Bearable" grr.

Ok so yeah this is one really long fan account so I apologize but yeah that's it!
ask me questions or talk to me about it: ask.fm/changstud !!!!